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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
my mom.....

this is the day after christmas. yesterday was wonderful and we all had a great day of family bonding. no flare ups......just wonderful, i tell ya.

today.....my mother is on a rampage of trying to get rid of almost all her christmas gifts. grrrrrrr.............everyone bought her things that she could use....nothing stupid or crazy....nightgowns, chocolates, diffusers, some blouse/pants sets that she will wear on her alaska cruise. she needed some nice pants.....of course she doesn't really need them as she will continue to wear my deceased aunt's highwater slacks...that is all she needs. they are very nice looking but too short. we all tell her this....but.....nothing sinks in....grrrrr.........she was given some nightgowns from my dh's side of the family....they do not know she prefers pajamas. no problem we tell her we can return anything. we will get pjs instead. she already has 2 pairs and she doesn't need anymore. grrrrrr.......she got some chocolates....last night already she is bringing them in to me while i am on the computer to share....i said put them in your room for another time, she loves chocolate....i am sitting here with about 50 lbs. of chocolate....that is the last thing i want. she was mad that i didn't accept them. just a few minutes ago she brought her two gifts of reed difusers out to give to me, never mind that i also got one the very same. at the party yesterday she insisted on offering her grand daughter a necklace and earring set that my niece would never in a million years wear. she insists. it was old costume jewelry from her era with a choker of pearls and clip on earrings. i gave it to her cause she only wears clip ons and those are hard to come by. my niece said i wish she wouldn't keep doing that cause i have to accept these things so as not to hurt her feeling , but i don't want them so that puts me in an awkward situation.

why is she like this? she is even thinking of strangers to give the nightgowns to...........
 

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As my parents have become older "things" as gifts have become overwhelming to them. So for us we keep it simple. We get gift certificates so they can go when they feel well enough. My advice to you is accept her as she is because it's not her thats going to change. Getting upset will only hurt your health. The reason she does this is probably so deep rooted in her past that SHE doesn't even know why she acts this way.
 

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yes...One year my dad opened up a flannel shirt

and proceeded to say, "I will put them in my drawer until next year and see who needs a shirt next year". I bought him a set of book ends that had dear on them...I looked very hard to find them as he is very difficult to buy for.....he opened them and said, "I'll regift these next year...." My dh was mad, i just sat there with tears in my eyes and didn't say a word....Years past.....and he gained some etiquette but he could never ever say he never said it cause we have it on video......however he is now no longer here as he passed away a little over a year ago and i would love to hear him say he will regift it next year...
 
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I work with senior's in home health care and I agree, please don't be angry with her. Like another poster mentioned, they often get overwhelmed with "things" and they truly don't feel they need anything. Everyone should accept her feelings and gift certificates are the absolute best gifts to give. Does she have a favorite deli, bakery, restaurant or grocery store she likes to patronize? These are the gifts they often find useful. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
well i was more dissapointed than mad. she lived a very plain lifestyle cause of my father. she never really had anything. he was miserly to her and their home. he didn't feel they needed to ever replace anything.....after a while she just gave up. she wasn't going to beg for things from him. he was very controlling. of course, he spent frivilously on himself if he ever wanted anything. but that is another whole can of worms that i really didn't want to delve into. it is that we kids knew how it was and want to give her things that she never had. we want to give her so much more, but because of her stubborness we don't dare get her anything frivilous. she has calmed down now for a while.....lol
i love her and know that if that is all that is wrong, it isn't that bad, now is it? tha k you all for replying.
 

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You could do what my MIL does to my FIL. She will get him something new and hang in way back in his closet, then get rid of something. She does the same thing in his drawers. He can never figure out how he's getting these things, he thinks they've always been there. She does it slowly and slyly. LOL!

To hear him tell it he's not needed anything thing new in years and years. Just look at what good shape his clothing is in. LOL!
 
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I agree with the advice to accept her as is and let it go....sure, it's frustrating and disappointing, but someday she won't be here and you'll wish you had more time with her and things like this won't be important.
 

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i am older and i don't want objects either. while she is not handling this with tact and manners, next year i would give her restaurant or grocery store gift certificates.

an expectation is a pre-meditated resentment -- alcoholics anonymous
 

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Is she up to the suggestion that she creates a list of things that she would love to have or that she needs. If she's going on a cruise she still leading an exciting life so she definitely needs something. ask her in ummer so she doesn't suspect Christmas gift
 

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This is another reason we typically only give food as gifts anymore.

You could do what my MIL does to my FIL. She will get him something new and hang in way back in his closet, then get rid of something. She does the same thing in his drawers. He can never figure out how he's getting these things, he thinks they've always been there. She does it slowly and slyly. LOL!

To hear him tell it he's not needed anything thing new in years and years. Just look at what good shape his clothing is in. LOL!
I'd be pretty upset if my wife removed clothing from my closet. I'm glad it's working out for your in-laws.
 

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well i was more dissapointed than mad. she lived a very plain lifestyle cause of my father. she never really had anything. he was miserly to her and their home. he didn't feel they needed to ever replace anything.....after a while she just gave up. she wasn't going to beg for things from him. he was very controlling. of course, he spent frivilously on himself if he ever wanted anything. but that is another whole can of worms that i really didn't want to delve into. it is that we kids knew how it was and want to give her things that she never had. we want to give her so much more, but because of her stubborness we don't dare get her anything frivilous. she has calmed down now for a while.....lol
i love her and know that if that is all that is wrong, it isn't that bad, now is it? tha k you all for replying.

It sounds like both you and your mom have been the victim in this situation. After years and years of going without, she's probably just not used to accepting. It sounds like you and your siblings are trying to make up for her years of going without by giving to her whether or not she wants, so she's not the only one with baggage, right?

I agree with the others just try to accept her quirks and don't try to change her. If it bothers you that much, maybe you could give her things that can't be returned or regifted? If you take her on a nice trip, or to see a show or out to dinner, there's nothing tangible to pass along. :)
 
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I am only almost 37 and don't want or need things much anymore. I am all about the experiences. Sewing lessons from my mil and cooking lessons from my mom. It is the simple things in life that mean the most to some people. Maybe your mom did without for so long she has the mentality that she doesn't need new and can make due. It is hard for older people who have done without for so long to up and change. Grandmom was like that. Didn't want new stuff would give it away. Wouldn't even use the gift certificates we bought her. Found some when she passed and of course were expired. Best of luck and enjoy your mom while you can.
 
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