[patra]

Hi-

Im seven and a half months pregnant now.My psych took me off celexa three weeks ago-it causes a hyperpulminary condition in utero and can kill the baby-and I think Im losing my mind.I have anxiety attacks on a daily hourly basis and shouldn't take anything for them.I am bipolar as many of you know, and my other medication is not picking up where celexa has been dropped.Im not really looking for advice, just really need to vent a little.I hyperventalate into seizures.My lungs are so filled I can't breathe, from athsma which heightans my anxiety and I can't take asthma medicine because it triggers more anxiety.I took one xanax this week(yesterday) to take the edge off,and it brings me low into a depression.I cant keep doing this and am not sure how much longer I can go on.I try to meditate and do yoga,I burn sage which is a native american herb that relaxes the nervous system and also helps open your breathing passages.That and lavendar seem to be the only things that really help.I have tried to quit caffiene completely but that has only made matters worse, so I have one cup a day.I am having a breakdown.I can't go to the hospital again this year,last time I went they called child protective services because of thoughts I was having(suicidal/homicidal)and not for anything I have done,I dont even raise my voce to my child much less have ever hurt her.I feel like I must have done something terrible either in this life or another to have accumulated such Karma and suffering.( I am a Buddhist/spiritualist).I can't get a hold on myself and practice being mindful and meditation is so difficult right now.I feel like throwing things breaking things etc....I feel like my nerves are bunched so tight that something soon is going to break.At times I hate everyone around me.I am truly desparate.

Patty

 

[emily_hope]

Patty, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. (((HUGS)))!! You don't have much longer to go with your pregnancy, try to hang in there. I know it is hard when you are struggling to get through each day. Talk with someone you are close to and let everyone help you as much as they can with the day to day activities/chores that need to be done. Rest as much as possible. Try to focus on your blessings and good thoughts. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[FrugalWitch]

Don't know if this will help you but something that calms me is doing something that requires my concentration. Say like counting backwards by 3s from 300.
I guess it works by forcing a disruption to whatever non-productive mental crap my brain wants to fixate on. By doing the mental math for awhile I derail (at least temporarily) the other mess.
Wish I had more ideas for you.

FrugalWitch

 

[Katybird]

Patty, Hang in there honey. You are in my thoughts. :hugz:

 

[foxxyroxie]

Oh, Patty. I too am bipolar and I don't know what I would do without my meds. I know it's not easy and I can't say I've been where you are right now, but every time you feel yourself going into a panic/anxiety attack is you look down and rub your pudgy belly and say outloud, "I love you little one and I'm doing this for you." Maybe it might put into perspective a little bit why you're at where you're at.

I guess too, I wouldn't worry so much about totally giving up on everything. If you think caffeine makes you feel better, by all means indulge yourself. Don't go cold turkey on everything. After all it isn't as harmful for the baby as the meds are and right now the meds are not an option right now.

I'll close by saying if you ever want someone to chat with, to vent with, by all means, PM me. I check my mail every day and I will help you in whatever way I can. I also know that sometimes it makes you feel better just pounding on the keyboard keys and getting 'stuff' off your chest. In fact, even journaling might help....even writing letters to your unborn baby might help.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[JustJoy]

Patty {{HUGS}} Slow, deep breaths hon. As hard as it may seem, try and do your meditation. Also.... do you have any inspirational books around? You may not feel like reading them, but pick one up... it WILL help.... just a little advice from one Buddhist to another

 

[patra]

update

hello everyone-

I was in the hospital for a week in the psych ward because I was just losing control,and was afraid for my daughter to see me that way.They let me out on monday, didnt really do anything but keep me a week:I had some really good group therapy though and also have made contact with a wonderful therapist that was referred by the hospital social worker.I feel so adrift, I am up and down on an hourly basis, I really wish I had some kind of medication adjustment-I am on the minimum dosage of abilify(10 mgs)and an extremely low dosage of seroquel(which is only affective as a sleep aid)and then my thyroid medicine.I had been taken off celexa by my pdoc and thats when the bottem fell out.I understand they think this is whats best for the baby,but if I'm not ok, the baby wont be either.I really need that mood stabilizer, I think depakote would be the best medicine for me, that one I know isnt ok during pregnancy though.I am severely bipolar and without the medicine I am completely unstable.This isn't fair, Im doing the best that I can,Im trying not to lose it on my family.I get so angry at nothing and lash out I see myself doing it and can't stop myself.I dont ever want to go through this again,I love my children but after my son is born I had decided a few months ago( while I had some clarity and mental focus)that I would have a tubal ligation, and I still feel this is the best route for me.I am scheduling my c section ( Kira was an emergency C, so this one needs to be section as well.)for the second week in January,so I have about six weeks left that I just have to hang in there.While I am on the operating table they can easily do the ligation.to come to this decision has been difficult but mentally emotionally physically and even financially, I can't do this again.I sometimes feel I am so selfish,But when you look at it in the light that I cant function properly and am a danger to myself like this, it is more selfish if I were to keep tempting fate and become pregnant again after this.I love my kids and want to be a good mom to Kira and my unborn son.I really need for this time to come to a close so I can take care of myself again.This has been the absolutly worst couple of years personally with two very difficult pregnancies, my husband being injured and needing surgery then injuring himself again, he may have to go under the knife again soon,and I am afraid of losing him:my mom had shingles then a small stroke and is unwell.I cant do this anymore I can't be there for everyone when I can't take care of myself!I just want the whole world to go away.

Patty

 

[Michelle]

Oh Patty I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know that some may look at it as though you only have to hang in there for 6 more weeks, but I know from having just depression and not all the other issues you have, that one day can seem like an eternity.

Are you able to see the therapist regularly?

I don't think you are being selfish at all by deciding not to have any more children. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite.

I don't have any advice, but I want you to know that you're in my thoughts, and if there's anything I can do, please PM me. :hugz:

 

[Darlene]

Sending you a great big hug. I too think that deciding to have the ligation is the best thing you can do for your health and your families future. Take good care.:heartsm:

 

[AmyBoz]

I'll be thinking about you Patty and wishing you strength and clarity. Big hugs to you, and anxiously await your posts when you are holding your son and feeling better.

 

[patra]

you ladies are so wonderful!

I feel better reading these posts.I have done so much research into medication and other things and have decided that I am going to start taking fish oils again(found many studies on how good omega 3's are for mood stabilization!!)and fish forgive me for I am a vegetarian, but I hope their sacrifice will help me feel better, I have seen studies with pregnant bipolar patients feeling better after four weeks.

Hopefully this benign and catagory A class of supplement will bring some relief and I will feel better about taking the oils than the xanax that I rarely but with desparate times,take half of a .25 mg tab-I am rambling Im sorry.I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but tonight I feel a little better.I also started up my b vitamins again and it seems to be leveling out my mood a little,I dont feel as irritable and prone to rages as before.I also think that once I have the baby I will go on lamictal,(my doc had mentioned it once or twice in my care with him and it is only that I am pregnant that I dont insist on starting the treatment.)which should have an affect in one month.It has a very good antidepressant affect as well as being good for rapid cycling,I have printed out 15 pages of my research to show my psych.He has been insisting I take fish oils for years and I have been fighting it on my principals,but principals will not save me from myself, when I am staring at a bottle of pills with terrible intent.So I am feeling better just because I have found a "band aid" solution for the time being and hopefully this will make a difference.Thank you all so much for your kindness and support-

Patty

 

[foxxyroxie]

Again, Patty, my thoughts and good wishes are with you. Just remember that your family loves you and needs you and remember that you are stronger than you think you are. I can see it in your postings. Talk to your OB/GYN to see if they can up the C-section. Explain your situation and maybe there's something he/she can do.
Remember we are all here for you and feel free to PM me if you ever need a little support.

 

[happymommy]

(((Patty)))
I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers.