[qponfanatic]

Ok Ladies,
Here is the condensed version of what is going on. My MIL (whom I am very close to) is not getting along with her daughter's MIL. Both of these ladies love their children and grandchildren and want the best for them. They also are both the matriarchs of the family and tend to run the show. Now, I happen to know and love both of these strong and wonderful women (I consider the other MIL family also and she does the same with me). The problem is that these ladies are disagreeing on the living arrangements of my SIL and BIL and neice. They live with my MIL and the other MIL is not happy about it at all. The reason, the other MIL can see how this is hurting her son's sense of being a man and taking care of his family. My SIL does not want to move out of Mommy's house because that would mean that she would grow up and become responsible. She even admits that living with her parents is hurting her marriage, but having to live on a budget would "hurt" more. UGHHH!!!
My MIL cannot cut the apron strings and lets them continue to live there rent and expense free, even though it is hurting her financially and health wise. The other MIL can see this and is concerned about my MIL, her own son, my SIL and her granddaughter.
I get so upset when my MIL says something negative about the other MIL because I can honestly see why the other MIL feels like she does. Birthdays and holidays are becoming a real hassle with feelings hurt on both sides and it doesn't have to be this way!
It has gotten to the point where my MIL does not want any of us (extended family) to have anything to do with the other MIL. But you know something, I think that is childish and I will continue to maintain a loving friendship with them. MIL has seemed to forgetton that DH and I are the guardians of our niece if something ever happened to her parents and that we believe that our neice should know and spend time with both sides of the family (that is why we were chosen as her guardians, that and we love her to pieces).
This whole issue could be resolved if my SIL and BIL would just grow up and move out on their own. My SIL is 41 for goodness sakes! UGHHHHH!!! The whole situation just makes me ill and I'm tired of the complaining about SIL, BIL and the other inlaws from my own MIL. I don't even want to go and visit anymore because I am uncomfortable in their home now. SAD!

 

[ymay]

Wow, I am so sorry that you and others are caught in the middle of this.

My first response in reading your post.......The dh of the 41 yr. old who doesn't want to grow up, and live on a budget, and whose marriage is being affected, needs to stand up and make some changes.

It sounds like the women are doing the worrying, and the bickering.........yet he is sitting quietly by, and not changing things.

Could someone talk to the dh, and offer him support or encouragement to take the bull by the horns so to speak, so he can have a heart to heart with his wife about the effects of the living situation on their marriage?

You know, he does benefit from this arrangement as well...he is living there rent free, with no expenses! Perhaps, if he is really unhappy, someone could talk with him to develop a plan...set a date to move out.

It is interesting that his mother feels this is threatening his manhood.....by living off his MIL. Well, so is his not standing up for himself, and expressing his needs and desires to his wife.

Sorry if this comes across as blunt....but I am often suspect of situations where a number of family members are in a tizzy about a situation, and relationships are suffering....and the people in the center of it go about their business unaffected by the whole mess!

If the DH is really upset by this, and he has expressed this, then hopefully someone can help him to sit down and
1. figure out a way to express this to his wife
2. set some goals to how he and his wife can make the necessary changes to help their marriage
3. figure out when and or if this includes leaving the family home
4. using all the rent free/expense free money to work on a budget for them

Like I said, just my gut instinct and experience from watching similar family dynamics.

Good Luck!

 

[captclearance]

I think one solution would be for him to put away the rent and utility money every month in the bank... They should either give it to her Mother or put it away..... That way sil would not have anymore spending cash than she would have if in her own place....

 

[qponfanatic]

Thanks Ladies,
I agree with you that they should be putting money away and that my BIL should stand up to his wife. He's kind of immature himself and I do think that although he doesn't like living with my MIL and FIL, he sure likes the "perks" of not having to pay rent either. This couple wastes all their money going out to eat, buying new clothing, taking trips, jewelry, etc.. I don't think either one fo them want to "sacrifice" their lifestyle and grow up. This is my SIL's 3rd marriage and she has filed bankruptcy with each husband now. UGHHHH! It just irks me. BIL makes way more money than DH does and yet they waste it all.
I talked to my DH this morning and asked him if we could go away somewhere for Christmas this year since our plans with my parents fell through. I just don't want to spend another stressed out holiday with them even though I do love them all dearly. All we hear is complaining about the other inlaws or about BIL and SIL once they leave to go to the other inlaws for the rest of the day.
You know, it's a sick cycle, but my BIL and SIL get something out of it and so does my MIL. MIL gets attention when she complains, but she is also losing having time with the rest of the family that no longer wants to come and visit.

 

[pip]

Ugh. I would want to avoid the whole situation, too, but that is sometimes difficult to do with families! I, too, would try to find an alternative, peaceful holiday with my own family. Until all the parties involved really want to change the living arrangements, it's going to keep going. In the meantime, maybe some boundaries and space would help you feel sane!

 

[qponfanatic]

I agree about the boundries. Last summer I ended up at the lake near my parents having a major meltdown. We had just gone through a rough year of trying to keep my husband's whole side of the family together while SIL underwent treatment for cancer (she is fine now PTL!). I just cried and cried while my mother kept the boys with her so I could get it all out. My mom was great about giving me my space and also being very supportive of me. She's been in the same position many times herself and I have been the one to help her through. I'm really thankful that we will be going away to the lake her again at the end of June and staying there for a week. I need to peace, calm and just fun time away from all of this!
Thanks for listening and supporting me. Just knowing that someone else understands helps get me through all this. Being a part of my husband's family has been a rocky road from the beginning. There is always some kind of "drama" going on with them. Luckily my DH is very laid back and mellow and doesn't get ruffled easily by his family.:smball:

 

[ymay]

:angel: Hi, Debbie!

You know, I think you are a very wise woman to distance yourself from all of this. Your idea about Christmas sounds like a great one, hope your dh goes for it.

I have found that by not making myself available to constantly listening to bickering, or people droning on and complaining about situations they are unwilling to change, that it lessens.

They want my company, so somehow they realize if they keep up the complaining, then I politely find other things that need my attention! I just keep at it, until they get the message that I am no longer willing to support the negative emotions and behaviours. It honestly works!!!!

Reading more about the couple, it really is as I suspected. He seems just as irresponsible with money as she is, so they are both causing this situation to occur.

His mother seems to blame his wife, yet he is equally to blame for not changing the situation. Knowing more of the background, I definitely would make sure to distance myself from any discussion about this family situation.

No matter what people may say, and it sounds more like the mothers saying it, than the couple.....there are more REWARDS for them in this situation, than not...and so they are not willing to make the necessary changes.

The dh must have been aware of his wife's spending habits before he met her. Did he not consider how they would support themselves, or have a plan as to when they could move out of this "temporary" living arrangement.

Doesn't sound like it, because he gets the benefits of everyone coddling him, lots of "free money", and everyone else worrying about him and feeling bad for "poor" him.

Nothing will change until the MIL gets tired of supporting them, or one or both of the couple decide that things have to change.

So............given that, I would leave them all to sort it out, and keep doing what you are trying to do. Distance yourself from the complaining for a while, still see them, but if this topic comes up, change it.

If that does not work, tell them nicely what you have stated in your posts. You clearly identified it....the couple get rewards, the MIL gets the emotional rewards......strange bedfellows, but lots of people live in these strange situations!

Things won't change until the people directly involved in this situation want them to change, and you are more than willing to try to help in any way, should that situation arise, until then it is really none of your business. (Said with a nice pleasant tone and smile of course) LOL

Then you talk about the weather, or your wonderful neice, or your kids.......and relax!!!!

If they want to keep spinning on this same hamster wheel, and cycle of negativity, well then it is their choice. You don't have to join them for the ride!!!

Good Luck!!!

 

[qponfanatic]

~If they want to keep spinning on this same hamster wheel, and cycle of negativity, well then it is their choice. You don't have to join them for the ride!!!~


ymay, I love how you stated this! I'll have to remember that one! Thanks again for the good advice and support. I'm going to get ahold of my brother and see if he and his girlfriend would like to join us for an early Christmas celebration. We got together the weekend after Thanksgiving last year at a hotel that was about a 4 hour drive away for us and 2 hours for him (we met in the middle of the state) and had a great time!!! I even took a miniture christmas tree with us and we had an early Christmas with them. It was the first time we had been together in 3 years. Maybe we'll just go and see them and go snowboarding if there is any snow. My teenaged sons would love that!

 

[ymay]

:angel:

I was posting when you were posting earlier. Ugh...knowing more of the story makes me more convinced that you are doing the right thing, by distancing yourself from all of this. It sounds like this has been going on for a long time, and you truly have done more than your share of supporting!

It is great to help and support family through hard times, but sometimes continuing to listen to this again and again, is not beneficial to anyone!

My dh is the same as yours! One of the many reasons I love him, but it really does help in these situations, doesn't it.

He gives me the backbone that I am sometimes missing, when I run into situations like this. He doesn't get ruffled, he just goes with the broken record technique, and sets his boundaries and lets it go.

I too find that talking it out with others, (even on a Message Board..LOL), helps give me resolve to realize that I am not being unreasonable in my thinking, or feelings of wanting to distance myself from situations!

I am glad that you are going to see about making plans with your brother! It sounds like everyone will have a great time!

I hope you have a great time at the lake with your mom! It sounds like just the kind of break, that will do you the world of good right now! :smball:

 

[qponfanatic]

Debbie, I'm so sorry you are in the middle of these problems...I have no advice, but I just hope the tensions go down and that the whole situations chnages for the better. Try not to get too envolved. ((hugs)) Thinking and praying for you.:hugz:

 

[milach]

I have a friend who's in the same situation. She and her DH and DD all live with her parents. A little after they had gotten married, her DH was cheating on her, so my friend's parents can't stand him, and want them out understandably. They claim to be saving for a house, but he has a low paying job and he insists on living where they cannot afford to live. She doesn't care where they live, as long as it isn't in an apartment or mobil home in a park, which really is about all they can afford.

I used to keep my eyes open for houses in their price range, but there's always some reason why it isn't good enough for them. They want the $300,000 house on a $10.00 an hour job. But they can afford to send their dd to an $800/month preschool. Go figure.

I don't even look around in my area paper for them anymore... God can only help those who help themselves.