[arnie]

DH and I have been together for 15 yrs. We have been having some problems in my opinion, that resurface every now and then. He is in a state of denial in my mind in the sense that I think the main problem in our relationship is his alcohol addiction. He is a functioning alcoholic that he has maintained a steady job the entire time we have been together. I don’t think he can go more than 3 days without drinking. Beer is his usual vice, but I have also found my “special occasion” bottles of liquor empty.
He is not violent when drunk. But will carry on very deep conversations that sometimes turn into disagreements. I have asked him to go to counseling in the past- he refused. Two years ago, I basically told him he needed to choose between beer and me. When he refused to make a choice, I stayed with him anyway.

Our daughter DD19 (DH stepdaughter) has taken a vacation this week with her boyfriend of almost 2 years. While she has been gone, DH has told me that he feels uncomfortable in his own house around her. She has little interaction with him, and she does not interact at all with him when I am not there- according to him. I have spoken to her about his feelings in the past but she has not made any changes other than to say hi or bye to him when she leaves the house.

I tried to tell him that I honestly think she resents his drinking and that he can be an A##hole when he drinks. He doesn’t believe this is the reason she mistreats him. But I feel she resents his addiction and actually so do I.

I think he really became hurt and things intensified a few weeks ago when DD’s boyfriend’s dad was hospitalized for several weeks and several surgeries. DD spent a lot of time at the hospital because her boyfriend has no other family nearby to support him through the crisis. He says that she has spent more attention on the boyfriend’s dad than she has ever spent on him and he is hurt.

Last night he told me that when she comes home from her trip he is going to tell her to get out of our house. (She was planning on moving in 2 weeks anyway). He says that she hates him and he wants nothing more to do with her. He says that he wants her key to the house and that if she wants to see me, that I will need to make arrangements when he is not home. He will not pay for her wedding, nor wants any part of her life now or future.

My heart is breaking. I know that my daughter has daddy issues because she has never known her real father as we divorced when she was 2. My DH has raised her. I know she respects my DH, but she also knows he has a problem and that he doesn’t deal with it.

She really is a good kid. She obeys the house rules, and is a hardworker. I don’t think she deserves this hostility. For the record, my stepson22 (his son) is headed down the same path as DH. He just got a DUI 4 days ago. What a mess.

I feel like I am being made to choose between my husband and my child. I want to get away for a few days to clear my head. I have so much anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

I think I want a divorce. I love him but I don’t think he will ever change. He is destroying our family.

 

[zakity]

He is making you choose between him and her. And, a divorce might be in order to save yourself.

 

[craftypam]

He seems to want to blame your daughter for the problems in their relationship. Relationships are a 2 way street and I have never been around an alcoholic, but I'm sure that is some of the problem your daughter is having with him.
You do need to get away to help find a solution that you are happy with. No matter what you choose; remember you and your daughter deserve to be happy.

 

[onencgirl]

One thing a man should never do is come between a mother and her child. There would be no ultimatum in my book.

 

[goldeneyez]

I can feel your pain through the computer. I would hate to be in your shoes, but I think you need to take some time for yourself, maybe while your daughter is away and try to see what you want. My dad was an alcoholic, functioning, but when he was drinking excessively with his friends, her would get more standoffish. I hated it when he drank and it seemed like he wouldn't do anything to help himself. My maternal grandma was an alcoholic as well and she was just plain nasty when she drank. As children of alcoholics, we see things that others don't. Your daughter sounds like she is trying but what is your husband trying to help her? You said that you gave him an ultimatum before, maybe bring that back up.

Do you have someone you could stay with for a couple days or maybe a hotel? Maybe a couple days without you will change his mind as well and see what he's been putting you both through. AL-Anon might be able to help as well.

*hugs*
Stacy

 

[mh3rdwheel]

I agree that you should also get away for a few days to try and clear your mind. My first husband dale wanted me to choose between spending time with my family and him. I found the nerve to leave him after 10 years, it is hard.

 

[mndtrp]

Two years ago, I basically told him he needed to choose between beer and me. When he refused to make a choice, I stayed with him anyway.

Whatever else you choose to do, don't make empty threats. Either follow through, or don't make the ultimatum in the first place.

 

[nodmicks]

Big hugs! I would have to refuse flat out to chose between dh and my children. Have you two ever went to seek council ? Maybe a professional could get him to see the real issue.

 

[bonnotsm9]

I'm sorry.

My dad was a functioning alcoholic. He believed that since he never missed a day of work due to his drinking, it wasn't a problem. Every. single. night. he drank until he passed out. He was never violent but was surly, demeaning, and argumentative when drunk. He wouldn't remember what he'd said or done when drunk and it ruined his relationships with his children, which he blamed on them, not himself. My younger sister and I tried to get him to address his drinking problem, but to no avail. So, I gave up on him. When he died a few years ago I hadn't spoken to or seen him in over 15 years. Neither had my sisters.

I would focus on your dd and make sure she knows that his problems are not a reflection on her worth as a person. His problems are his and a result of his poor choices, no matter what he says.