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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am a wimp and am in need some advice. Over two years ago, an old friend was in dire financial straits, and I let him move in with me. I knew that the economy here was better than where he was. The agreement was that he had two months to find a job and become independent.
It took him two months longer than expected to find a job and start paying on the rent. During that time, I lost my "real" roommate, but he never paid half of the rent, only one-third. I also loaned him cash, especially when he didn't have a job. During this time the relationship became "more than friends" but never seemed to solidify into anything going anywhere. During the year and few months, I asked him to move out several times, but he claimed to not be able to find anything in his price range and not be able to pay me anymore than what he was.
I had a bit of a financial meltdown, ended up teaching at a MUCH better rate of pay than I was making at my office job. He moved out. (Yeah!) I found out that I wasn't going to be re-hired for the new year, I had some savings, and I found out that I would be able to get unemployment. I slashed my expenses by moving to a rat-trap apartment so that I could live on unemployment and restarted an old part-time job while I looked for work.
He lost his job and went on unemployment. I didn't get a job for Sept 2008, so I re-focused my emphasis (not HS anymore...elem), and volunteered at a small parochial school so I could be sure of my self in an elementary school. I also have subbed a LOT for this school, which looks good on my resume' but doesn't add to my finances that much because the amount is deducted from my unemployment. I have been out of "real" work for almost a year now, but because of the part-time work I have been doing (and the savings I had) I still have about one full month of my first "Six months of unemployment pot" left. There are extensions available...for three months and then a month and a half I think.
I am, however, pretty confident that I will have a teaching position before I get to any of that. The small parochial school would hire me if they had an extra position, but that probably won't be known until August and I am looking now.
Back to my old friend. He started making payments on the loan until he lost his job. Things have been intermittently friendly, but nothing more. I have been happy with that. I wouldn't even mind friendly all the time. But he recently started being more romantic. "But you are so huggable." We had a long relaxed conversation yesterday. I was trying to figure out if he was interested in anything long-term but he was hedging anytime we came to anything close to that. Finally on the way home, I realized the key to the whole change. His unemployment ends in August. He has run through his extensions. I will be (hopefully) making almost twice what I am now. I am hoping to move out of my rat-trap apartment (into something only slightly more expensive in another area of the state...or closer to my new job).
And he wants to be back with sugar-mommy. I won't have it. (he hasn't said that outright, but I can see it coming)
I have explained that I still have to pay off my credit cards, etc. I think I will also explain if he asks,that I will only give another loan if he pays off what he owes me (about $1400).
So, I am trying to think of ways to bolster my position. I will get a one-bedroom and am thinking of making the extra bed disappear so it won't be easy to use. I don't want to sacrafice my life though, in what I have on a regular basis..why shouldn't I have an extra bed without him coming around whining about how he can't afford rent and can't he use the extra bed??
Part of me thinks I am making this out to be more serious than what it is ...why shouldn't be willing to help out a friend that I have known over twenty years? I really don't want him to be homeless.
It seems to a habit with him though. His previous girlfriend of five years made him pay, I think, at least seven thousand dollars in CC. He also bought his car on her credit and name.
I am trying to brainstorm what he can do, if he doesn't have a place to stay. His father is in his eighties and lives about 600 miles away. His brother as well. I don't know the situation with the brother very well.
Am I crazy? I know that he doesn't have a ton of friends here, and I am willing to be his friend...but not his sugar mommy. Is it possible???
 

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He sounds like a total mooch to me. Is he even looking for a job? And maybe it's just me, but I find life too short to be wasting it with someone who is 'hedging' about a relationship.
 

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A firm 'NO, you can't move back in' is all you need to say to him. You don't need to explain yourself. If he is a true friend he will understand and if not, he wasn't a real friend to begin with so good riddance. He is a grown adult and needs to figure out how to make his own way. To me it sounds like he is just trying to use you. Be strong! Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings because if he is a mooch it won't hurt him, he won't care, he'll just go find another 'victim'. Good luck and remember we are all here for you.
 
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Cut all ties you have with him~*now*!!!
Then run away fast & never look back.

Move on with your life, get your one bedroom apartment or whatever size *you* want/need & forget about making concessions on his behalf.
It's time for him to learn to become a responsible adult, without your help.

Good Luck to you!:grouphug:
 
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If your friendship was all that important to him, would he continue to take advantage of you? Let's face it...as long as you're willing to be his sugar-mommy, he has no incentive to be independent. Or to respect you. It seems from your post that you already know in your heart what you want and what the answer is. Set your boundaries and stick to them!
 

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Okay I scrolled down fast as to not read the other responses to give you my unbiased opinion. Can you remain friends without you being his 'sugar mama' ... the answer IMO is NO - not at this time. Your too 'soft' to hurt his feelings and so you are not doing whats best for you - you are doing whats best for him. Being 'soft' isnt a bad thing, UNTIL you are being taken advantage of. IMO you should tell him straight up what is going on; however, I dont think your likely to do that. I have a hard time doing that as well sometimes. So you tell some white lies - in your best interest for your financial future. You tell him you are moving, you can no longer afford where you are paying the brunt of the bills and that you have a friend / family member that is finacially secure that is moving in to assist you in the short term. You tell him that you are sorry there is not room for him and that he needs to find a place by your moving date. You do this with knowing full well that you are moving into a new place on your own - he does not need to know that. You keep your extra bed - why should you change what you want!! You limit your contact with this guy for quite awhile - he will survive or find someone else to leach on. That's his business, his choice. You need to do whats best for you right now. You also do not lend him another penny!! You simply tell him (since you appear 'soft' to me) that you simply havent a penny to spare with all your other bills etc. You are not a bank - you do not lend him money and then tell him when he gets that paid off, you will lend him more. You are putting undue stress on yourself .. not only is he financially draining, it appears he is emotionally draining. Sorry if this sounds harsh, just seen this happen to people before & it's looking like it's becoming a cycle with this particular person. Best of luck & please really think of my advice.
 
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Get a paying roomate. I mean, if you have a paying roomate in the new place it will make it easier for you to save up that cushion you've just run through. Then just set up the agreement with the new roomate that neither of you invites anyone else to "couch surf".

You can then just say " no, that won't work this time, because the roomate and I agreed, but good luck... etc."

If you end up moving to a new area.. don't give him the new address, just the phone # if you want to stay in touch.

Go get another boyfriend, even someone who isn't Mr. Right, but will do as Mr. "right-now". Just amke sure that even Mr. "right now" is employed. That'll put him off!

If he presses the issue, look him straight in the eye and say, (you had your chance to prove that it really was going to end up in the "for better or for worse" category... you blew it. I don't need a "for worse" relationship. )
 
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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
All of the answers have been helpful, but Thevail has been the most concrete so I will answer her directly...
Get a paying roomate. I mean, if you have a paying roomate in the new place it will make it easier for you to save up that cushion you've just run through. Then just set up the agreement with the new roomate that neither of you invites anyone else to "couch surf".

I suppose that one of the things I want is a place to myself. I will think about the roommate, but even if I don't have a roommate, I think my landlord will insist that I be the only one in the apartment.
You can then just say " no, that won't work this time, because the roomate and I agreed, but good luck... etc."

If you end up moving to a new area.. don't give him the new address, just the phone # if you want to stay in touch.

This is a great idea, but the area I am most likely moving to is CLOSER to him.

Go get another boyfriend, even someone who isn't Mr. Right, but will do as Mr. "right-now". Just amke sure that even Mr. "right now" is employed. That'll put him off!

I have actually thought about this. It seems sad that I would use someone for this...but there are a couple of menI have met recently that I might like to see more of, even if I don't think I would be serious about them.
If he presses the issue, look him straight in the eye and say, (you had your chance to prove that it really was going to end up in the "for better or for worse" category... you blew it. I don't need a "for worse" relationship. )
One of the reasons I kept pressing him to leave was because I felt like it was a bad marriage fifteen years in... :furious:
 

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Listen, you're both adults here. He can make his own way, just like everyone else. He sounds like he needs more tough love than he's been shown. From what you have said, it appears that he has taken advantage of your kindness and generosity and it needs to end.

I would never expect my friends to provide anything for me, especially on a continuous basis.....
 

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You don't need to bolster your position. He's a leech and will suck you dry if you let him. The "If you were a real friend you'd help me" reminds me of the "If you love me you let me get in your pants" kinda thing. Don't fall for it. People need to earn a place in your life & his time is up. He is clearly trying to manipulate you pressing all your buttons just so. Do not let him or anyone else make you do something that is not in your best interest, ever.
He needs to man up and stand on his own two feet without you. You need to make new friends who give and don't take. No need to explain things beyond an I'm moving on & I wish you well. Buh bye.:wave:
 
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Be a true friend and practice tough love. Don't help him continue his self-destructive ways. You don't need to give any explanations. Just say that he cannot live with you, nor can he borrow any money. (I know, I know....... that's harder than it sounds......)
 
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I say get rid of him. He is ruining your finances. You owe him nothing! He is a grown man and maybe a few days in his vehicle he will wake up and smell the coffee. If not, it is his problem, not yours. You didn't put him in this position, he did. Good luck, stay strong and stand your ground. :)
 
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This guy will use you as long as you are willing to let him. It is better to distance yourself than get caught in his mess again. If you can't outright tell him you don't want him around, you can do some things that should give him the hint eventually.

DON'T invite him back to the new apt. Don't ask his help moving. If he doesn't know where you live he can't show up and give you the lost puppy act. Try not to give out your new phone number.

Don't tell him where you're working. If he finds out, tell him not to call or visit you there, "They have strict rules about that" is a good line to use.

Don't initiate contact with this guy. If he calls you, be polite but distant. Be busy if he wants to go out or get together. Never let him come to your place. If you run into each other, have an excuse for leaving after a couple minutes. Don't let him accompany you.

In short, if you're not going to be direct with the guy, have a battery of excuses ready to put him off any time he contacts you.

If you keep your extra bed, you don't have to set it up in the new place. It can be behind a bunch of boxes in the spare room. You can also conveniently "lose the sheets" to it in storage.

I have a feeling that as soon as he sees you are not going to be a sure thing he will find someone else to leech off of, or go get himself a job.
 
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This one needs to go. There is no way to stay friends with a mooch. He is going to still try bumming drinks, dinner, use of the coach, etc. Talk to legal aid and start eviction proceedings. You can consider small claims court for the loans but you really need the terms in writing most of the time.
 

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I agree with most of the other postings but while you are 'mulling things over' in your mind I will ask you the standard thing that I have not only asked myself but other friends.........

IS THIS WHAT YOU THINK YOU DESERVE??? If not...what do you plan to do about it?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Let me be clear, he is NOT living with me now. He was a little over a year ago. He moved out in Feb of 08. I moved into my rat-trap apartment in July. I want to move into a better place once I have "real" employment, and he is starting his overtures now. That is why I am trying to set myself up in my head now. His unemployment ending and my new apartment will be around the same time.
He is coming to my new church more regularly, and asking me to call him, and then the comments on how he believes relationships should be (none of which was anything like the relationship we had). I was concerned that he was actually falling for me until it dawned on me that his unemployment is ending.
That is one reason I feel bad, I am assuming that he is mooching in advance. That is why I pushed him Saturday on the relationship stuff. And he has a long history of mooching.
Running off to sub...eighth graders today....
 

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Discussion Starter #18
One more thing...about the loan. I handed him the money/CCs so in my head I knew I might not get it back. His girlfriend was NASTY about the car and money --partially for good reason and I resolved that I wouldn't be like that even though I knew that it may mean I wouldn't get paid.
The girlfriend set up the CCs to be paid through a finance company..one of those that takes an arm and a leg. (I haven't told him what I think about this...it was already done so I didn't stir the waters) She then told him that even though the car was already paid off (by him) that she would report it stolen if he didn't make the payments on the CC. Repossession I understand, turning it into a criminal record, a bit much.
 

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You have gotten alot of good advice here. It is hard to say no when you are a softie (I am too). My dh and I were once in this same situation w/bil. We told him our landlord was EXTREMELY strict and no one could live w/us. We even had a plan that the landlord (my dh boss at work) would come over and tell us (in front of bil) that bil's visiting time was up and he had to go.

Bil did find an apt. (with my help) and a job (with my insistence) and moved out. But he didn't stick w/it for long. People like this will keep on taking as long as you are giving.

If worse comes to worse do what I did with my ex husband. Offer him a tent and sleeping bag and a ride to the nearest campground. Ex hubby stayed at the campground for about 6 months until he saved enough for his own apt.
 
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dont take him back no matter what. If hes ur real friend he'll understand and he has to do it on his own. It may be hard for him but then he'll grow up. we all make descions bad and good ones . he made his bed (as they say) and feeling sorry for him because of ex is not going to help him. your disabling him not enabling him to grow up and be the man he needs to be.
with that huggsss dear on whatever u do.
 
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