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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My dad died almost 5 years ago. Every Christmastime when then "in memory poinsettias" are in the church. Mom always makes some comment that makes me wonder how two people could love the same person and see him so differently.

Example: When the poinsettias are available to buy my mom always says that she bought one in memory of dad because that is what he would have wanted her to do. He always told me every Christmas when he was alive that spending money on Poinsettias in memory just to decorate the church didn't make much since. That the money would be better used helping the church or someone. He always ask me to remember that. He said he didn't want money spent in memory of him like that. (I just let mom buy the poinsettia without a fuss because she needs it)

Every year, that always makes me think of other things that my mom says that don't fit with what I know of Dad.

Like, when he was still alive I said to him that he was frugal His eyes light up and he smiled real big at the compliment I had paid to him. At about that same moment my mom said "No he is not!" like frugal was a cuss word and tried to prove that he wasn't frugal.

I can't figure out how two people could be so close to a person and see him so differently. Did she not see the same person I did or does she not really get to know the real person under what a husband or daughter is "suppose" to be? That leads to another question does she know who I really am?
 

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She saw him through her eyes and experiences, which of course, are different than yours. She was his wife, and had quite a different relationship than you, before you were born.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
She saw him through her eyes and experiences, which of course, are different than yours. She was his wife, and had quite a different relationship than you, before you were born.
But wouldn't a man be the same in his values, his beliefs, in how he treats others even strangers no matter what eyes/relationship you looked though?
 

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Can relate this to my father.....when he died, my cousin called to offer her condolences and added that she thought that he was a terrific uncle, but knew that he had not been a great dad. I totally agree.

There is such a difference in the dynamics between wife-husband and child-father. I can totally see it in our family of DD, DH and me.

Totally normal after someone has died to choose what you want to remember and place importance on.
 
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Can relate this to my father.....when he died, my cousin called to offer her condolences and added that she thought that he was a terrific uncle, but knew that he had not been a great dad. I totally agree.

There is such a difference in the dynamics between wife-husband and child-father. I can totally see it in our family of DD, DH and me.

Totally normal after someone has died to choose what you want to remember and place importance on.
I agree. My one sister tends to see my recently departed father MUCH differently than some of us do. When she talks about him, I wonder who is this father she knew? I had a very different take on him. So do some of my other sibs.

I think it would be even moreso with wives and kids.
 
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Your mom may also have a different meaning attached to the word frugal than you do. To her, it might be someone miserly, rather than someone who values money well enough to be a good steward of it. She probably has convinced herself too that decorating the church is something he's like, but maybe she just needs a visual way to keep him with her during the holidays. hugs
 
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I think sometimes it's those small memories you have, and other people don't. You remember your dad saying that he wouldn't buy poinsettias for the church - she may remember one time long ago when he was walking by the display and said how beautiful they were.

I was actually talking about this with my DH the other day. My grandfather passed away almost 15 years ago, and some his children only tell the good stories/memories and some only tell the bad ones. It's been hard for my DH to grasp what kind of person my grandfather was.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I miss my Dad! He promised he wouldn't leave me alone with her but he had to.
 

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Maybe your mom has made him into what she thought he should be in her mind now that he's gone.

Sometimes people only see what they want to see in a person. That's especially easy after that person is deceased. My mom idolizes her father now that he's passed away. When he was alive she thought he was a cruddy father, and from what other relatives have told me of him, that was the case. I don't mean to say your father was awful, just that your mom may have created a memory of him that isn't accurate.
 

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I understand completely how people in the same family see others in a totally different light. Especially after they die. They become saints, when in life they were nowhere near that. Or whatever the preception is/was.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks everyone for your gentle words of wisdom.

I understand now that I can have a different view/memories then my mother that it doesn't make one right and one wrong.

I understand that there can be many different reasons for the discrepancies.

All though I doubt that my mother will allow me to have a difference of opinion or view of Dad then she, I will let her have her view and memories the way she sees them and/or has constructed them.

I will also hold dear to my heart the lessons my dad taught me and my belief in who may dad was (even if not allowed because I am a grown up after all) They are mine and I will share them with my children.

Thanks everyone!
 

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I think, also, that some people think it's bad or disrespectful to say the deceased was a not-so-great person....even if they know he was. A lotof people I know will say only the good things they can think up about the person (or even stretch the truth and make stuff up) in order to seem as though they are respectful toward the dead.
 
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Absolutely I think it's possible for two people to see the same person differently. Each have a separate, individual relationship with the person, and their experiences may be different. We each filter our perceptions through our own memories of and experiences with the other person. You can both be right in your perceptions if that's the way the person was when they were with you. And in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that you view him differently? I'd let it go and accept that each of you can remember him and celebrate his life in your own way.
 

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I think it is because some people tend to accept people for who they are... no errs etc... my dad was the greatest dad in the whole world... yes he made mistakes but i make and will still make mistakes..raising kids is hard and he raised my brothers and myself by himself....my brothers however have different memories of my dad....my dad was the type of person who would tell it the way it was and i learned to accept him for who he was and when he would say something that irritated me 99 times out of 100 he was right... My brother would get pissed off and stay away for months at a time....however he has been gone for almost two years and he was and always will be the best daddy ever...
 
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