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I feel like a terrible, horrible wife :(

Lately I have all these feelings towards my husband that I know aren't nice....One of them being his breath that I just can't stand...among other complaints I could list off but don't want to sound too ungrateful :D

I find myself looking at other cute guys longer than I would have in the past. Now, I would NEVER cheat on my husband but I used to NEVER have a need to even look at a guy period.

And I can't stop thinking about one of my ex boyfriends...I feel so much regret lately for not working harder on my relationship with my ex (the nice ex boyfriend!)
I find myself wanting SOOO much to write him a letter, not to hook up with him but just to talk. It seems like him and I could really talk about important things. Religion, my daughter I placed for adoption, and other things like that.

It feels like my husband and I don't communicate very well. We can't talk about those 'important' things my ex and I could. I told him last night, that instead of talking so vulgar about sex ALL the time, I would love it if he tried to talk to my heart instead. He told me "I tell you that you shop good with coupons and I tell you I love you, isn't that enough?" {sigh} No, it isn't enough and I don't have a set script I want him to say either! He wants me to TELL HIM what to say to me! I guess he missed the point, i do not want to have to tell him how to be romantic otherwise I could just marry myself and talk to myself! I guess he just seems so immature to me for his age too(he's 32), and maybe I expect more from him because of his age? I don't know. But he is way too vulgar about sex for my tastes, and it's SUCH A TURN OFF

I am sure I'll read this later and feel totally selfish and uncaring but I really needed to talk about it.

I'm just utterly weepy over it all...The sad thing is I know he really is trying! Like the other day I was grouch and he was so caring about it and even bought me roses at the end of the day! But man he says some REALLY hurtful things to me, and almost daily. It's like a roller coaster of emotions, but I guess that's natural in marriages.
 

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TammyBob
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Sending you :hugz: Heather!! I can't offer any advice but wanted you to know I'd be thinking about you :)
 

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:hugz: Heather:hugz:
Oh Hon, I wish I could be right there to give you some real hugs in person. I think that everyone goes through times in their marriage where they are not quite happy with their spouse for one reason or another and thinks about what "might have been".
I'm really glad that you told Carl how you feel about his "vulgar talk", maybe he will try to change that. Men are not mind readers and sometimes we do need to tell them what we need and need to hear. From this post and ones in the past, it sounds like you and Carl do have a "rollercoaster" relationship. I've been in one of those in the past and I know how good the high moments are and how desparing the low points can become. Would Carl be willing to get some couples counseling so that you 2 could work on how to communicate your needs to each other? I know you love him and I know you are commitmitted to making your marriage work. That is why I am going to gently advise you not to get in touch with your ex.. It would be a betrayal to Carl because you would then be investing in an "emotional affair" with your ex. What I mean by that is you would be sharing personal thoughts, feelings, etc. with another man that are ment to be shared with your husband. Please understand that I am saying this in the most loving and caring way I can. I've seen too many marriages destroyed by this.
I pray that you and Carl will be able to get some counseling and will be able to learn how to communicate and meet each others needs better. It's helped many of my friends improve and even save their marriages. I'm always here for you and do care!!!! :hugz:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I've asked carl so many times to go to counseling with me. He's told me over and over that I am the only one who needs/should go :( {sigh}

But yeah, you are right I shouldn't get in contact with him...I can only hope he'll start to work for UPS in my town ;) (J/K of course!)
 

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Heather :hugz:,
You know, I think I'd take Carl up on his suggestion and go to a counselor yourself if that is something that YOU would want to do. It might help you to sort out all your feelings. I know it sure helped me when I was going through a rough time in my life. I thought (and was being told) that I was "always wrong", "crazy", "ungreatful" etc. by someone in my life that I loved very much. Through counseling I learned that I was not crazy, always wrong, etc.. I learned some very important coping skills for dealing with people and even though the other person involved refused to go to counseling, it helped my relationship with them. It also helped me to see that I am not a bad person and that I have many gifts to offer in life. :hugz:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I might just have to do that then...

I admit I hate doing things by myself because I'm so shy, but I need to get out of my comfort zone anyways.
 

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:hugz: You can do anything you set your mind to Heather! You're stronger than you give yourself credit for!
 

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Heather,

I agree with Debbie in everything she suggested! Men and woman don't think alike. We tend to forget this. They "tell" you how they feel with their actions not their words. Words are hard for them.

A counciler is an EXCELLENT idea for you. If you haven't read it, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....EXCELLENT book. It tells you things that subconsciously you may already know, but ....having it POINTED out to you makes it easier to remember!

You love Carl. Read the book (it won't hurt) and seek professional guidance!

I've been in similar situation with my previous marriage...If you need to talk...pm me!
 

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Heather, I have been there so many times. I hve NEVER given in to whims. I have been with my dh 18 years next month!!! In all of those years he has hurt my feelings many times, but I truly believe that MOST of the time it was unintentional.

I had this woman to woman talk with my mother shortly before she died. This conversation remains with me to this day because of the things that she told me.

1. People do not stay in love...especially the most happily married couples.

2. Marriage is like an investment, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

3. Dont pack up and run away from hurt feelings and anger, only run from danger.

4. Staying married is a full time job that you have to work for.

5. Never go to bed angry.

Heather, EVERY relationship has their ups and downs, the degree of up an down differ thats all.

Talk to Carl when Ayla is sleeping and it is a good time when neither one of you are stressed, like maybe after a nice homamade meal and explain to him what you need and WHY. Like saying nice things rather than vulgarities, or special dates between the two of you alone,(no baby) etc. TALK...TALK... TALK...

Good luck, if you ever need a friend to unload on, I am ony a pm away!
 

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Heather, I am sending you lots of :hugz: ! You have gotten some wonderful advice from the other ladies. Robin, your Mom was a very wise woman. I think we could all use those lessons that she told you about, I know I can. I am printing those out and putting them in my journal, I can read them again when I am angry with DH. :D
 
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