[Libby]

:dis: Where to begin...I just feel so overwhelmed. It feels like I can never get enough time to do things between caring for everyone and everything. I know I do tend to put others before myself but I feel this is getting ridiculous!

Between caring for dad, DH, family, the house, the cars, the bills....I'm being yanked into several directions at once. Things that weren't urgent suddenly become urgent and need to be completed TODAY.

Making lists, scheduling appointments and verbal agreements on which day things will get done doesn't work with everyone around me. They always buck the system and I feel like I'm the only one who's able to juggle things around and get things done. I've even tried to pull a stunt like they all do to me but that just ends up in huge meltdowns. Sad to say, its easier for me to suffer then deal with the non stop meltdowns and fights.

How do you deal with all this coordination? I used to be a coordinator and master scheduler however there were boundaries and rules enforced to help protect everyone involved. After all it was for work - a place of business. At home, in reality - there seems to be no boundaries

 

[OOwl]

Ask for HELP from family members (I was so bad that that, wanting to be super woman and do it all myself, a perfectionist), ACCEPT that help, even though it's not exactly the way you would of done something, admit limitations and be content with "almost," and get an iPhone, which has GREAT time management applications that assist and alert with keeping everything on schedule. Good luck! And a hug, because your life sounds very much like my own, and I so know what it's like caring for aging family members AND being a perfectionist.

 

[Darlene]

Time for house meeting. You are 3 adults and everyone has jobs to do. Time to make a list of who what & when. Everybody plays a part, everybody. Good luck & :hugz:

 

[krbshappy71]

I must be a real slacker, I am not understanding what it is that isn't getting done.

Housework? Honey-Do list? Dinner?

I have all my bills set to my bank's Auto Pay, I don't "pay bills" I just check in once a month to make sure its all correct amounts and correct date/biller, that nothing changed. That's it for the entire month.

I have a vague housecleaning schedule of dishes daily, laundry on the weekend, and Hm...grass is gettin' long, I better mow this weekend. All else is fit in on a loose schedule of "As Needed", that's just more my style.

If they are bucking the system, maybe they feel like you are forcing your system on them. It may be their way of saying "back off. you don't control me."

A friend of mine tells me how her husband now refuses to do dishes because she kept nagging he didn't do them right. Perhaps over time they have learned its easier to make you do it all than deal with how you react to when they do it. I mean this in the nicest way, try to find areas you can back off from, encourage and praise them for what they do accomplish, and LET IT GO. This life is short, is this really how you want to spend it? But then, that cycles back into my housecleaning attitude as well.

 

[monkeywrangler71]

I run the house exactly as I would an office. I use business oriented time management methods to organize my tasks. I have a desk where I use the same organizational techniques that I used to use at work. I use a google calendar, which my husband can access, to track and co-ordinate my family's time.

I'm not really running an office, but I think it's important to act as if I am. You teach people how to treat you; act like a professional and people will show you more respect.

 

[oheoh's momma]

oh honey I understand first of all I do everything here, no matter how much I ask for help I do not get it. I had to just let it be. If the kitchen is dirty ok. Grandam is painting down there and it is driving me crazy, but it will get done eventually.
I really had to prioritze things: dr vists first, phone calls 2nd, The pets 3rd walked played with ect. Calenders for everything, meals simple, the house is disinfected but that is it. Cleaned when I have time.
I don't think it is ever going to change but I can change the way I act and try not to be unhappy and make everyone else that way. I do not know if this helped any, my reaction to everything has helped our family. hugs and deep breaths.

 

[Ramona]

Are your dad and DH incapacitated? Why are you taking care of the cars? Are they and the children able but not willing to keep the house clean and nice?

So they have melt-downs? At the next one, I'd take the car and disappear for the day. At the next melt-down? I do the same thing.

 

[steelergal]

First of all- hugs to you! It's very overwhelming what you are going through right now (just to think I was feeling overwhelmed right before I hopped on here and read all of what you are going through!)!

First of all take a breath! Rome was not built in one day! Definatley prioritize, organize, customize! That is what I do when I go through these situations, although not perfect, it does help me "get through"!

Prioritize what is most important! Depending on everything you are going through (since you listed your dad first, that must be the biggest culprit of stress!). Make sure that you are towards the top if not first (which is hard for most people I know, myself included) make sure you get sleep, eat healthy, take vitamins, spend atleast 10 minutes a day for YOU! When it comes to household things, it's hard for us "superpeople" to give up our chores for others to do (even if they are super lazy and never do anything to help- one of the issues I have right now!)- prioritize what is most important to clean. Also, life happens when we look back at this time, the state of your home should be the last thing we think of, as long as it does not look like an episode of "how clean is your house" or "Hoarders" you are doing good!

Organize is one of the hardest things but realitively accomplishable. My one tool that I need to have when times are really stretched thin (that I fail to use when life is not as complicated), a calendar! I carry one in my purse, I write down when bills are due, doctor appointments, phone numbers for all Dr.'s, dentist, anyone and everything! Also if it's a big enough (Like the one I have in the house), I plan out a simple weekly menu (with a lot of crockpot or meals I can make in a short period of time).

Customize! If something does not work, there is a way that you can try to make it work for you! When overwhelmed, when it comes to house work, I am too exhausted and that's the last thing I want to do (especially with a DH that is not helping what so ever!). I will set a timer for 15 minutes and just bust out whatever I can in fifteen minutes. When I take a shower, I take an extra few moments to wipe things down before I hop in, while I am taking a shower, I will clean the shower.

Lastly, the thing that helps me the most is to pray! I always feel relief after praying and prayers answered are amazing! And always remember "This too shall pass!". Good luck and stay strong!

 

[Trishagirl]

Yeah Hugs to you, My dh does the bills and takes the garbage out. He helps hand wash dishes when I make dinner. My dh washes the vehicles and keeps them in working order. So tell your dh that you need some help and all that's on your plate so he can pitch in!!! Communication is the key to a happy marriage and also being a help mate so let him know that you are overwhelmed and would appreciate some help.

 

[Libby]

Life seems to have calmed down a bit but not much or I haven gotten used to the chaos?! I keep taking each day as its dumped on me. I find that when all the top tier priorities have been taken care of - bills paid, dr appts completed, I tend to just sit idle - I guess my reaction is to procrastinate?

Dad is 80yrs old, is able bodied, has a suspended drivers lic as well as a stubborn mind of his own with his own timing. / DH does help but has limitations with the walking/standing and will for the rest of his life.

They're both not incapacitated but sometimes in denial about their limitations. When Dad takes on too much, he gets dizzy/flustered & run down. This can lead to minor accidents and bodily harm - a fall b/c he's not paying attention or listening to his body etc. DH will keep going for one day and be out for the next three or so trying to recover. Stair are also a partial issue. I can't control their pace, just work with them. I can plan to my hearts content but if they're not up to it, my plan won't work (thus them bucking the system).

Chores get done when they get done unless they need to be done NOW - spills etc. I notice I have become OCD about keeping the kitchen clean b/c there's always spills, splooshes & splashes all over the stove and surrounding area. I sweep and mop daily if not multiple times/day. I rewash any dishes found in the dish rack that I didn't put there OR they go into the dishwasher when dad's not looking. He uses the same knife to cut a lot of things throughout the day but the other night as I went to rewash it - I noticed it had a red stain on it (strawberries?), a chunk of orange pulp and a pinkish brown spots (raw ground meat dried on). I almost passed out knowing my dad wasn't washing the knife properly. I am thankful that we're not experienced food poisoning daily!

 

[krbshappy71]

Ah, I didn't realize your DH had limitations as well. I thought was just being stubborn. Well no wonder you feel like its all on your shoulders, a huge part of it is!

 

[Libby]

Thanks krbs. I guess I was trying to see how others coordinate 'life' and deal with it when 'life' happens to 'life'.

I often feel like I'm failing or not moving ahead and getting things done. And I'm in a position where I can't really take time for myself - its like stolen moments.

Feel like my gf, when she takes time for herself finally and is able to get away, she has to come home and back track to right before she left. She's the one who cooks, cleans and cares for the family - its like knowing you're going home to the aftermath of a bomb blowing up in your house when you purposely spent the time and effort into organizing the house before you left. Twice the work which then negates the purpose of going away in the first place. It's life right? :dis:

 

[Ramona]

Well, now that I know the details and that the men are not in full health, I have a new opinion.

Focus on the basics, do what's necessary and try not to worry about too much. You are pretty much running the house and it's a lot for anyone, near impossible I'd say.

Stay calm. No one can ask for more than your best. Hugs.

 

[Libby]

You are pretty much running the house and it's a lot for anyone, near impossible I'd say.

This is my question - how do y'all do it? I mean there are single parents out there that work 2+ jobs and are home to raise their kids when they're not in school etc etc etc.

I mean, if someone else is able to do it - how do *I* learn to do it?! I know it can and has been done but its killing me trying to learn how to do it. Every time I try, I don't really succeed. I just float through the days and put out one fire at a time.

Its not like I'm asking for the secret to eternal youth :lol:

 

[McD]

Libby, I have every intention of replying to this, but am not able to do so in depth right now. Give me a nudge if I don't return and post.

 

[Nishu]

Oh geez, i was just thinking the same thing about what happens when i take a break. Steal a day to chill and i get rewarded with a messy house and twice as much work waiting for me the next day.

I wish i had an answer, but the truth is i have no idea how other people do it. I suspect the truth is that the they dont. My Mil always says Im amazing and that she doesnt know how manage to take care of the kids, homeschool, keep house and clean, especially when my husband is deployed. My answer is always the same. "Have youseen my house? I know you have, were standing in it!"

My house is usally some degree of a mess. Laundry is currently backed up till 2017. Dinner last night was sandwhiches. At some point, something has to give and you and i are both entitled to a little peace. If that means my laundry isnt done, so be it.

My neighbor makes comments to me about how much i have on my platr with the homeschooling, but she amazes me with how tidy her house is. But you know what? I went over to her house today and she apologized for her "mess." I realized, gosh, thats all we ever do. I apologize all the time. My house isnt tidy enough, our schoolwork is on the floor, were having french fries for dinner... sheesh, we all have this completely unrealistic standard for how we should run our homes and even the women who seem to have it all together are suffering from it.

Today when my friend apologized for her non-mess, i decided i was done. No more apologies. Im doing the best I can and i will no longer act as though that int enough.

So theres my final answer, sorry for the tangent. How do i do it? No better than you do.

 

[Nishu]

Sorry for the weird typing. Im writing on my nook.

 

[Incognito]

When I was raising 3 kids alone (one with a mental disability), as a divorced, single parent, it felt overwhelming at times. I was always picking up after everyone and stressed. I also worked in our home 10 yrs. (self-employed) as a music teacher, with parents and students coming and going. Finally, I decided to give my kids an allowance once a week, but only after they did their chores:
- cleaned up their rooms (changed the sheets, made the bed, put dirty clothes in the hamper, picked up stuff from the floors, tidied dressers, vacuumed)
I gave extra allowances in the mid-week for extra chores:
- doing laundry
- helping with dishes
- mowing lawn
- shovelling snow
- getting the mail or a few groceries for me

This system worked for us, saved my sanity, and on the days when their rooms were messy, I didn't stress out or involve myself, I just let them have their space and freedom. They learned how to do chores & how to earn money, and we had a happier home because of it.

PS: I know this won't work with adults.

 

[Sumacaroni]

Raising 3 kids, going to school FT, working PT, and a mister who works 6-6 (gone 12 hrs./day) and somewhat unhelpful with daily chores (and NOT because he's disabled except in his own mind LOL )..... what helped me was breaking things into very small chunks and learning to be satisfied with just accomplishing the basics every day:
Beds made
Everyone's fed
Dishes done
1 load of laundry/day
surfaces clear of clutter and cleaned by the end of the day
Keeping the basics under control every single day made a HUGE difference in my attitude and satisfaction level and it really only requires about an hour of my day total - 1/2 hour morning, 1/2 hour evening so even on the busiest of days, I would not give up the basics.

Anything else cleaned is a bonus. Like an additional load of laundry or vacuuming the living room, dusting, and such and I'd only add a "bonus" item if it would take less than 15 minutes. I started setting "bonus" time to get done after dinner.

Grocery shopping - I had to set an hour to get this done once a week and if it wasn't done by Saturday, I treated it like going to a job - I had to be out to the store by 9a.m. Saturday and I was usually home with time to spare and now motivated to get other things done - bonus stuff!

Anything else that is top priority yet dreaded drudgery, it always helped me to schedule it and, if it helps, reward yourself with something - like for me it was stopping for a caramel mocha at the mini-mart after getting the grocery shopping done!

You sound like me 3 years ago, and I have to say it was a change in attitude when things became more routine (the top priorities, the basics, were always done morning and evening) and I was not just running around putting out the nearest fire only to run off to the next fire!!

In the past 3 years, here's what evolved: the basics take even less time now and my routines are more established so that my calendar is more easily managed... such as I get a weekly car wash on Cheapskate Day, my oil changes are scheduled on the calendar, I check bank balances and take a few minutes to pay online bills every day, etc.

It takes time to establish routines yet if you make it a priority, I think it will work itself out but it does take some dedication to the basics and a change in attitude about the drudgery of it all (at least that is what happened in my mind). And don't forget to take time and reward yourself with some peace and quiet or whatever will make you happier when you get things done! You deserve it if you are working hard to stay ahead of the game.

 

[Sumacaroni]

Oh and I want to add.... my house is not CLEAN and CLEAR all the time, not at all. Especially weekends! I just learned to live with the fact that we LIVE in our house so it, of course, looks that way. I am just happier when the basics get done morning and evening so when I get up in the morning, the kitchen is not a total disaster and I have not gone for 5 days without doing laundry because it becomes too overwhelming.

I just figured out the top 3 things I was most procrastinating on and worked on those first: Dishes, Laundry, and Grocery shopping. Once those were fairly consistently done, I felt like I could add things to the to-do list for the week.