[forHISglory]

My parents are elderly and their health is visably failing. They still live alone and independently. Dad can barely walk and spends most of his time sitting or sleeping. Mom is legally blind and has trouble walking and is mostly deaf. Dad doesn't hear too well, either. He has heart trouble; she has high blood pressure. We kids go in and clean for them, but have to be very careful as Mom gets upset and thinks that we are criticizing her cleanliness. We transport them many places as Dad has trouble driving anymore and Mom can't drive due to vision. We all try to look out for their needs, without showing disrespect for them. It's a fragile rope to walk!!!

Now my mother is showing signs of dementia. I think my dad knows that she is slipping, but they defend each other and have excuses for each other.

We're not sure how to progress here. Do we subtly suggest that Mom see a doctor? Do we speak to Dad and let him approach her? Do we demand that she be evaluated? Honestly, I am at a loss. I love them so much....

Have any of you been in a situation where you want to give as much dignity and respect to your parents as possible, and yet know that you must speak up or take action? How did you do it? How did you keep the fine line intact?

 

[MissSeetonFan]

I have never been in that situation with dementia. I can see it coming though. We are already having a "denial of the situation" issue with my df on the condition of the house they are living in.

Do some research on groups or websites dealing with dementia, you would probably get some ideas on how you can approach the problem with your parents. Here is one website that I found that seems to be a support site for those who care for family members:
Caring.com ? Simplifying Caregiving, Supporting Caregivers.

Have you been documenting the incidents that lead you to believe she has dementia? If you and your siblings write things down and keep a journal of events, it would make your case stronger when you do decide to confront them or take other action.

I don't know how this would go over, or even if it is possible, but does you mother have a regular doctor? Could you or one of your siblings call the doctor with those documented incidents?

The help sites would probably have better advice than mine. I hope you and your siblings can find the help you need.

 

[rosey7415]

i have been there. the first step is to take them to the doctors. once whatever they have is diagnosed......then they will be able to deal with it much easier. they will listen to a doctor much more than they would you. it is a true confirmation of what is wrong.

just tell them in the nicest way that you think it is time to go and get checked out just to make sure that everything is ok.

my opinion only.......hope it helps!

 

[Heather Groce]

Rosy is right I believe. From my experience as a nurse that generation is still of the additude of revering doctors and holding them in very high regard (I call it the "doctors are gods" additude LOl) so I think they would value thier opinion. Perhaps you can share your concerns with the MD before the appointment?

 

[frugalfranny]

From my experience as a nurse that generation is still of the additude of revering doctors and holding them in very high regard (I call it the "doctors are gods" additude LOl) so I think they would value thier opinion. Perhaps you can share your concerns with the MD before the appointment?

I agree with this.........and this is what I had to do with my dad --when we finally got him to go. Call the Dr. and fill him in on what is going on........everything----so he will know what questions to ask when they get to the Dr. BUT---don't expect them to tell him anything near what YOUR VERSION is......but he will be able to tell.

forhisglory-------I feel for you. It is a very tough place to be in. About the cleaning ---I sort of made of joke about it being time for my mother to rest and that I could do it and had the time and blah ---blah---blah........"so relax"...it sort of worked. She wasn't so offended.

The driving part could be THE WORST......and it sounds like your dad should quit driving. IMHO fathers are just THE WORST to get off the road. My mom FINALLY accepted it but she still had dad to take her places---though very grudgingly. Went through a total nightmare with my dad.........and was just short of going to court about it when he was hospitalized.

The "covering for each other" is another thing that I went through.....and I just had to learn to let many things go.....unless it was a danger to them........or someone else.

I don't know if I can help but if you need to pm me feel free to do so..........I have been there.

One suggestion: pick your fights VERY CAREFULLY (and you will have some)..........and DON'T FORCE.......it can't be done and has the potential to make them more stubborn.

 

[Darlene]

I agree, get the doc involved. Being in this situation is very emotional, you want to respect them but talking to them is so hard but needs to be done. Ideally these conversations happen earlier but then again even if you did have them when the time comes to make those changes your parents may be scared and fight it. Nobody likes to lose their independence
We too are/have been going through some of what you are now and we have learned that being subtle doesn't really work. Talking to them and telling them what you really feel gets things out in the open instead of having that big pink elephant in the room.
Mom does need to see her doc (Dad too) and you need the doctors help. You are not betraying them by getting the doctor involved, it's time. Big hug. You are not alone.

 

[Imarachne]

I agree with Rosie--they need to be seen by a doctor who can advise you as to what your options are. As an older person myself and will in the future have to rely on the decisions my daughters will make in my behalf, they will do so in my best interests, I Know.

 

[MomToTwoBoys]

I usually talk to my mom and her health comes up quite a bit. I give her advice that's usually followed through. For example, her back was bothering her after her surgery and I suggested she seek out another doctor. She did and the new doctor was better for her. I also suggest things to her like getting out and walking, cutting back on the stress, etc. She does these things and doesn't give me the 'I'm your parent, I should be telling you how to handle your health' tone.

I would just bring it up in conversation kinda casually, then let them know you'll go with them and the doctor can help out if there's anything wrong. Most people don't think they have anything wrong with them unless they have physical support at the doctor. It sort of calms their fears and gives them a shoulder to rely on.

 

[mauimagic]

The roles change as we age and I can hear our DD thinking about these same challenges now - she thinks we have gone downhill, while I think we're in better health shape than ever. Love the advice you've been given - good luck.

 

[forHISglory]

Thank you all. I see common threads running through your advice and experience. It's not easy getting old! I appreciate your taking the time to share.