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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been thinking....

As many of you know, I have a very intense family, especially with my ds Daniel. My 2 other older sons also keep me busy.
When things don't go like I wish(which is often-*sigh*), I get depressed and sad. I then start to feel worthless as a mother. I know deep-down, I'm not a bad mother, but my self-esteem gets in the pits.

My question is:

How can we feel good, confident and happy about our life, even if we go through hard times with our children?

How can we detach ourselves of our children's problems, still love them and still happy and complete?

Thanks:heartsm:
 

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Lucie, I love these tough questions. I want to answer this, but I need to give it some thought before I do.

It can be done. I'll be back later to post how I've learnt to do it.
 

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I do the best I can..... My family is most important to me. I don't sweat the little stuff, I address it but don't let the little stuff stress me out. Sometimes we have to let our children work things out for themselves..
 

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Wow! ~ I came in to learn the answers not answer the questions LOL.

What a great thread ~ Thank you! :hugz:

I'm definately coming back to read what C.J. has to say ~ I honestly believe she's cracked it and I think somewhere in the answer will be the simplicity she holds on to???? Although God forbid me of all people to come up with any answers.

I for one am dying to hear them!

I have a magnet with an angel on it ~ it says: There are but two things we should give our children, one is roots the other is wings. (I'm not sure why I shared that? I just love it)

As I don't have anything of value to add, I'm going, but Thank you for such great questions and I'll be watching this space!
 

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Me too Bev, can't wait to hear CJ's answer. Lori you are so right is saying that we have to let our children work things out for themselves and yet I still find myself getting right in there and offering my 2 cents worth and then sometimes it backfires even though I am just trying to be helpful!:sigh:

Great question Lucie, something I do think about alot!!:smball:
 

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Lucie you've asked two questions here and both are tough. I'm going to share how I've done it with our kids. Its taken me a long time to get to where I am and the process isn't over yet, but I'm confident enough in myself to know that I'm on the right track for "me". If it helps you, great. If theres anything you don't agree with, throw it out with the bath water, okay.

How can we feel good, confident and happy about our life, even if we go through hard times with our children? The one answer I can give here is that if we know we've done our best, then thats all we can do. Kids make their own choices as they get older and sometimes those choices are wrong, but we need to let them make those choices, as hard as it is for us as moms. I did the best I could with my older kids, the best I knew how to do at that time. As a parent, I've learnt a lot from them that changed my parenting ways with my younger kids. We give our kids wings and sometimes they will fail - but that doesn't mean we've failed them if we've done all we can in giving them their wings.

Having a child/children with special needs is exactly the same thing. If we've done the best we could for them, nurtured them to become a part of our society and things still fail, we've given it all we've got. No one can ask for more, kwim.

How can we detach ourselves of our children's problems, still love them and still happy and complete? We have to!!!!! If we don't we totally burn out.

Heres part of my story. I poured myself into our oldest dd at the expense of my other family members and at the expense of my own identity. Everything I did revolved around her. Then she left home and made bad choices. I won't go into all the detail, but they are the choices she so chose. I poured my life into fostering at the expense of my family and myself. I came to a point where I totally burnt out!!! I couldn't function in anyway. I could barely get out of bed in the morning, my body refused to do things I wanted it to do.

I went to my family physician and he gave me some sound advice "CJ, if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else". Lucie, as moms we so often take care of others first before our own needs. We never take time for "us" to do things we enjoy doing. We keep pouring into our kids lives at the expense of our own identity. Someday our kids are going to be gone, on their own and who will we be then? Yes will still be their mom, but really who else will we be?

I'm more than a mom!!!! I needed to learn that, so I begin to do some things for me. Was it difficult, you bet!! The first thing I did was I took a trip to visit my mom by myself and had a wonderful week. During that week, I looked deep within to find out who I really was and who I wanted to be. When I got home, I learnt to take walks by myself. I learnt to do some fun things I've always wanted to do and I learnt that I didn't need to feel guilty about it. Did the kids buck the system? Yes at first, but when they begin to see the results of their mom being a much more fulfilled person, it didn't take them long to allow mom the freedom to do a few things on her own, just for "her". Its interesting because my older kids often tell me "mom, you've changed so much". It makes me feel good inside to hear that.

I still pour myself into my kids, but not at my expense. I love being a mom, but I'm also a wife, I'm also a friend, I'm a quilter, etc. I now don't identify myself only as being a mom. I'm a woman who loves life to the fullest now, who treasures the times spent with "me" but also treasures the times I'm with my kids.

Its not easy being the mom of a special needs kid. But I've learnt to refuse to allow the disability to run my life!!! I have 3 special needs kids and each require a lot from me, but I will not allow a disability to take over the freedom I've learnt to enjoy on my own. I've learnt that their dad is just as capable of watching them for a couple of hours as I am and that he is more than willing to do it to give me the freedom to persue some of my dreams or to take care of some of my wants.

Lucie, I had to dig deep to find me, but it was worth every single minute. I know that I'm a much better person for it. I still have a ways to go, but getting there is so much easier now than it was before.


btw - yes Bev, it is all about the "inner simplicity" that I hold on to and about a faith in a God that I believe wants us as woman to be all that He created us to be!!
 

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WOW! :eek:

I'm thinking ......... There's ALOT to think about and it's late here. (thinking is always hard work for me anyway LOL)

But Thanks C.J. ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank-you Lori for your advice. It's so true...You're right, Lori about not sweating the small stuff. I'm learning to do just that lately. It's not an easy thing for me...*sigh* I can get stressed for little details sometimes. But Daniel's behaviour is more than small stuff. It's something else! lol I'll never how he'll react...will he stay normal and calm or explode because we tell him it's time to take a bath(after 3 days) or go to bed, or tell him-no he can't have another skateboard(he got one last week-brand new)...With Daniel I definately have to chose my battles, because he is in defensive mode all the time... :toothy:

CJ...You touched a point that I forget all the time:
I love being a mom, but I'm also a wife, I'm also a friend, I'm a quilter, etc. I now don't identify myself only as being a mom. I'm a woman who loves life to the fullest now, who treasures the times spent with "me" but also treasures the times I'm with my kids.
I forget that I am not *only* a mom. Actually, my whole life revolves only around my children. I realized that not very much belongs to me alone. Many of my sucesses in life concern my children. So I guess when something does go wrong I feel so bad about myself. I have to try to tell myself--Yes, I am doing the best I can...and try to be happy about my life after all.

I need to do other interesting things, that will also define me, other than a mother, becuase right now, that's all I'm doing most of my awake time!

Thank-you CJ, for sharing your experience with us.:) I'm sure it will help others, too. I know it helped me alot.

Anyone else have been through finding themselves, besides being a mother to their loving children? :)
 

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Cj you are so right.This is one of my biggest problems is feeling like just a mom but I am so much more than that.Thank you!
 
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