[FrugalMomof3]

Ok ladies and gents, I need some advice. My husband started having what I call mood swings or manic episodes starting June 2013, which lasted till the end of August 2013 and boy was that heck. Recently he is in another episode since 1/13/14 and it's driving me crazy and making me depressed.

His episodes are similar as to what is described as manic episodes and form of bi-polar disorder but he wont go to the Dr. and I feel it's ruining our relationship. He doesn't see anything wrong with lavishly spending money or his behavior at all but everyone see's it, even his friends.

Last time he had his first episode he quit his job and boy was that a stab in the back. Now he's acting the same way and I don't know what to do. We cant afford for him to lose his job or even for his health to deteriorate.

I can't stand to be around him when he's like this, he doesn't let anyone talk (always intrusive), spending money we don't have, not sleeping, angry for no reason, etc.

Anyone else have a situation similar to this that can give me some advice?

 

[khaski]

I'm so sorry you're going through that. My only advice it perhaps to try to find an online support group for people who love people with mood disorders and ask how they got their loved one to recognize there's a serious issue and get help. Until he recognizes that he needs help, I don't think there's much you can do.

 

[CookieLee]

I agree, there is nothing your can do until he gets to the point of the manic episode where he becomes despondent again. Be very careful, though, because this is the stage before where he seeks someone to blame for his grandiose plans not working out and he could become physically abusing / violent.

In the meantime, protect yourself financially. Separate your bank accounts and cancel credit cards. Make sure he doesn't ever have access to your bank accounts.

Develop a safety plan - a suitcase of necessities for yourself (kept with a trusted friend) in case you suddenly have to leave the house, for instance, plus phone numbers of emergency contacts and a hidden set of car keys / house keys. Make sure you put the originals of all the important documents in a safe place, away from the house, that he can't access.

Normally, I would recommend you see a therapist even if he won't go but my experience in this kind of case is it won't do much good except to provide you support to leave him and move on with your life.

Ultimately you may have to divorce him.

Has he always had manic episodes? If this is a new condition, he might be having strokes called TIAs which, if not treated, could lead to a massive stroke. Or he could have suffered a recent head injury that has resulted in "multiple concussion syndrome".

 

[larabelle]

Does he have a friend who might be able to talk him into going to see a counselor/doctor?
Make a game plan in the event he does quit his job.

 

[Raiquee]

Tracy, I'm not implying this is your husband or anything, but I would be concerned for drug use. I watch a youtube mommy and she got divorced about a year ago due to her hubby doing meth, and she said very similar signs to what you are saying. Makes sense of him not wanting to go to the doctor.

Just a warning.

Otherwise I'm not sure what to tell you. I agree what's said earlier, make a safety plan for you. He's been like this now for going on a year, and that's scary. You might have to leave him, espesially if he won't seek help to fix it.

 

[Zhoen]

Tracy, are your in-laws alive and in-touch? If so, you need to call them and find out if they have ever seen this in him before. Your signature suggests you and he have been together for 17 years, and with a 25 year old kid, I'm going to guess you're both at least 40-somethings... but you've never seen this from him until 2 years ago? That is not the common pattern for BP, usually BP (or even straight mania) presents no later than your early 20's. Now, it's possible he's had symptoms before and not recognized them/hidden them... but true mania, as you've noted, is pretty hard to miss. It could still be that, there are exceptions to everything... but it could be something else entirely.

I concur with what the others have said about keeping yourself safe and having a plan to get to a haven quickly if necessary, but it looks like you your kids are all at an age where they can handle themselves, so that is a blessing. Try approaching your husband from a "Honey, I'm worried about you," standpoint. Try asking him to see a doctor about the insomnia--a regular doctor... if he's really as symptomatic as you're saying, the dr will probably pick up on it and recommend a referral to a psych specialist, and while your husband may resist (our society places a stigma on mental health) at least he'll be hearing it from someone other than you. And the doctor may want to run some tests-- this could be ANYTHING... could be his thyroid going nuts... could be a tumor (insert Shwartzenegger voice here) pressing on his brain... could be basic mid-life crisis... but only a doctor can check those things.

Keep logging in, we're all pulling for you!

 

[FrugalMomof3]

Thank you everyone for your advice, I am not sure what it really is, hence we haven't been to the dr. but last time he had an episode, he left to stay with his daughter for a few days and came back like nothing ever happened, said he needed to get away. I called our local help group with the help of his ex-bosses because even they were worried about him and get this, they said he "was fine" all because the daughter he was staying with said he was fine. Yet when he went there for a few days prior to him staying, he was taking the grandkids out of the house without letting anyone know and going to McDonalds or something. When he returned home, our daughter who lives with us mentioned to him that he may be bi-polar so he asked me to look up the symptoms because he agreed something just wasn't right, but that was the end of that.

I will look into the TIA and no, he has not had any major head injury or any injury for that matter, it seems to me that when someone gives him bad news, these episodes happen but they are not depressed episodes. We were supposed to move to Florida but the guy who offered us jobs, hired someone else and this saddened him and then a day later the manic episode came on and it's still here.

He's very active, exercises every day, takes vitamins, etc. I am just worried for him but we have a friend staying with us, well mostly his friend, so maybe if I talk to him to maybe talk to my husband he might listen.

I will do as everyone suggested and while I could stay with a friend, she's in NY, which means I lose my job, I dont have anyone close to me that would let me stay with them and also let my daughter stay as well.

 

[FrugalMomof3]

ok after doing some research I did see that it does say Bi-polar disorder can develop in someone in their 40's and 50's. Yikes! I also am pretty sure he's not doing drugs, as much as I hate to say it, that would be easier to deal with and I can see the trigger but it's not drugs and believe me I have thought about that.

 

[Brat]

Just keep your guard up.. This is very serious and until you can get him to get help there isn't much you can really do..

 

[FrugalMomof3]

I agree, there isn't much I can do but prepare, which I am doing.

 

[CPA-Kim]

I come from a family with a history of BP. Three developed it in their 40s and two in their 20s. The two who developed it early committed suicide. His symptoms sound like classic BP to me. Someone suggested talking to his parents and I agree. See if there is a history. He needs a complete physical to rule out hyperactive thyroid and some brain-related issues that can be ruled out with an MRI.

Hope he is willing to get that physical. Sometimes it's easier to get them to a regular MD for the preliminary workup.

 

[CookieLee]

If he is into being healthy, working out, etc ... could he be taking steroids? Has he gotten bulkier? If so, the steroids can bring on the bi-polar symptoms.

And check the vitamins. Mega-doses of certain vitamins can cause some weird symptoms.

 

[FrugalMomof3]

He's not bulky just healthy and although I wish I could ask his parents, but they are deceased. I agree his symptoms sound like classic BP, the reason I want him to get help, but he wont.

 

[bonnotsm9]

I'm sorry for your troubles.

My mom, sister and older dd are bipolar. All started showing symptoms as children, but they became worse as adults. Sister was committed involuntarily to a mental health facility last spring. Both mom and sister have heartily resisted treatment and deny their diagnosis. It's pretty hard to do much for someone who won't recognize their mental issues. Imo, the most you can do is protect your finances and make sure you and any children, if any, are physically safe. You may need to see an attorney about how to protect your finances. Mom run up huge amounts of debt while in her manic episodes. She's declared bankruptcy twice that I know of. Sister has done the same at least once.

 

[LongTimeLurker]

Hasn't he had many issues (addicition, affairs etc) for years? I hate to say it ...he isn't going to change, only you are.

 

[FrugalMomof3]

You are right, he has had many issues for years..... but this doesn't explain his BP symptoms. I have never seen him act this way since 6/2013 and now it's happening (episodes) every 5-6 months and lasting 2-3 months. I'm going crazy here, our daughter doesn't even want to be home and I tremble with fear the minute I know I have to go home from work, etc. I dont think he would ever hit me, but in his state, he's very verbally abusive and he puts me down as if I am a piece of garbage. Just yesterday he took the $80 we use for gas, etc out of the drawer we keep it in and went to Walmart and bought shirts YET he used the debit card and now is keeping the $80 as if to say "YOU CANT HAVE ANY!"

He's picking fights with the neighbors to where the police are called, acting way out of control, spending money, saying dumb things about taking the business down to which he lost his job from, etc...

 

[ilovechocolate]

If he physically harms you then leave. Take your daughter and go. Do you have a plan in place? He may be sick but you MUST look out for yourself and your child.

If he is making threats against others (former workplace) then you might consider calling law enforcement. Again, he may be sick, but it might be what he needs to perhaps commit himself for an evaluation or at least go to a doctor.

I wish you well. It's a bad, sad situation.

 

[LongTimeLurker]

You are right, he has had many issues for years..... but this doesn't explain his BP symptoms. I have never seen him act this way since 6/2013 and now it's happening (episodes) every 5-6 months and lasting 2-3 months. I'm going crazy here, our daughter doesn't even want to be home and I tremble with fear the minute I know I have to go home from work, etc. I dont think he would ever hit me, but in his state, he's very verbally abusive and he puts me down as if I am a piece of garbage. Just yesterday he took the $80 we use for gas, etc out of the drawer we keep it in and went to Walmart and bought shirts YET he used the debit card and now is keeping the $80 as if to say "YOU CANT HAVE ANY!"

He's picking fights with the neighbors to where the police are called, acting way out of control, spending money, saying dumb things about taking the business down to which he lost his job from, etc...

Its time to go. Sorry...but you have been putting up with him far too long & your daughter has witnessed it all...Put her first & get out.

 

[FrugalMomof3]

I agree that it's time to go, the question is WHERE? I dont have any family that would take me in (a whole different story), so for now I am here and saving up money. I have been dealing with all these issues for far too long and it's funny everyone keeps asking me "How do you do it?" I say "do what?" They say "Stay so strong?". Because I am a strong person, just doesnt help I have no where to go, or anyone to turn to, at least not local. If I move to a friends house it would be another state and I lose my good paying job.

My daughter and I have talked about possibly getting an apartment together and she said she would help with rent, the problem is security deposit and honestly I would be left with no money, which is fine because I know I can do it.

On the note of the manic episodes, If I left, I am sure he would harass me at my job, either by calling or stopping in and I just wouldn't be able to handle that. Kinda thinking I could just move to another state and start fresh but my daughter wouldnt come with me, since she wouldnt leave her BF behind.

 

[Brat]

Do you have a shelter there.. If so they will help you get into a safe place..