[seattleLMP]

DH and I never used to argue about money until recently. Since neither of us is comfortable carrying around cash the only reasonable option we have is to record each transaction of our discretionary spending. I found an app that syncs up with a website and both of our phones, but DH isn't recording all of his transactions, which renders the system kind of useless. I also have an Aflac policy, from which we are due $400 in reimbursements, but DH keeps dragging his feet on filling out the paperwork and I cannot do it since I don't have access to his medical stuff. I am trying to be patient and not act pushy or naggy, but he has gotten extremely defensive and touchy about anything he views as criticism. It's getting to the point where he is just shutting down and not even answering me when I ask him if he took care of this or that. His personality has done a 180 in the past few months.

On top of that we have not even heard back about any apartments, let alone viewed or applied for any. Apparently if you don't respond to the add within hours of it's posting you will miss your chance. And our phone bill went up $35 and no one at Verizon can explain why (they claim it has always been what it is now, which we can very plainly see from our payment history is false). I am trying to get DH to switch himself and DD over to Ting, since neither of them are under contract anymore, but I can't even bring it up without being met with stony silence.

I don't know if he thinks everything is fine since we are able to pay all of the bills without going into additional debt or what, but I am getting tired of trying to have a budget and not getting any cooperation from him.

He has been very ill for a long time, and it has put a tremendous strain on our relationship. We have been in counseling for about six months but I feel like things are just getting worse and worse since he found out he has moved into stage 4 kidney disease a couple of months ago.

 

[TDN]

That's a lot to deal with.....especially for your hubby. Maybe he is depressed or he is on some medications that have caused the 180 in the past few months. Can you talk to the counselor alone and tell of your concerns? Hugs to you and wishing you better days ahead.....

 

[seattleLMP]

He says he isn't depressed, but he sure acts like it sometimes. He is on some hard core antidepressants.

 

[peanut]

Some of those antidepressants can cause foggy thinking, lethargy, lack of motivation...similar to the depression they are supposed to cure. Can you talk to his doctor? A counselor is good, but may not know the medication as well as the doctor...or a pharmacist would.

 

[seattleLMP]

Some of those antidepressants can cause foggy thinking, lethargy, lack of motivation...similar to the depression they are supposed to cure. Can you talk to his doctor? A counselor is good, but may not know the medication as well as the doctor...or a pharmacist would.

His doctor can't talk to me about anything. It would be a HIPPAA violation.

 

[Ceashels]

Perhaps having the Dr LISTEN to you. He doesn't need to provide information but if you can let him know how your husband is acting then he can ask more pertinent questions on the next visit.

I agree that voicing this to your counselor would help as well.

 

[seattleLMP]

Perhaps having the Dr LISTEN to you. He doesn't need to provide information but if you can let him know how your husband is acting then he can ask more pertinent questions on the next visit.

I agree that voicing this to your counselor would help as well.

I work in the healthcare field as does my DH, so I am pretty familiar with the laws. He can't do that either. He can't discuss my DH with me at all. He cannot even acknowledge that he is treating my husband without my husband's express written permission.

 

[Brilly69]

Why don't you drop the subject of money with him for a while and try exercising together. Something simple like going for a walk. It is the best answer to depression. Once he is feeling OK you can talk about his depression a bit easier. Good luck to you both.

 

[brenda67]

Why isnt your dh giving his Dr permission for you to know his medical issues? I say its either his medicine or depression is most likely the issue going on with your dh..

 

[CookieLee]

Even Dave Ramsey acknowledges that during a crisis, it is best to "circle the wagons" and stop concentrating on debt reduction or a lot of financial issues. Your husband's health is what matters most. That is going to take 100% focus from both of you.

Syncing your transactions? I don't even bother. If you're using a debit or credit card, just download all the data from the financial institution. You can do it daily if you have to. This is not something your husband has to even think about.

Perhaps moving isn't the best for you right now. Moving is very stressful and your husband has other places to focus now. Try to make do with where you are.

As for Verizon, I would suggest that considering your husband's medical condition, that you get him to sign a financial power of attorney. I had one while my husband traveled internationally for his job so I could deal with any financial matter while he was gone. When we sold our house, I didn't even need his signature because I had that financial power of attorney. And I also have Verizon so I know you can do a lot on-line to research your account.

As for the HIPPA laws, also have him sign a medical power of attorney and keep copies of the disclosure agreement available so if the issue of discussing his condition with you comes up, simply have him fill one out.

That $400 from the insurance company can come in handy. I recommend you sit down with your husband and you fill out what you can then ask about what you don't know. Try to make it as painless for him as possible.

Also, educate yourself about his disease. He probably is having trouble concentrating, is suffering from fatigue, and may be experiencing disrupted sleep and chronic nausea. He is profoundly sick.

Lastly, being the caregiver or mate of someone that profoundly sick has stress all of its own. All the medical attention is on him and you sort of get lost and ignored. Your marriage gets lost and ignored, too. The disease has a tendency to rise up and overwhelm every aspect of your lives. It can help for you to have individual counseling so you have a safe place to talk about all your fears and feelings of injustice about this. After all, a lot does fall on your shoulders. Marriage is never 50/50, but in the case when one spouse has a significant disease, the "healthy" spouse carries a pretty heavy load. In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself as much as you can. Don't give up your girlfriends and give yourself a break every now and then.

Good luck.

 

[peanut]

Hmmm...I have my DH in on all my psychiatrist visits. But that is unusual I will admit. Most people trust their doctors more than their spouses. Usually people get paranoid about their spouses.

Sounds like you need to deal with issues other than money right now. Trust is a big thing in a relationship. And mental health issues can wreck havoc with it. Maybe if he won't talk there are some simple little ways you can show him you still love and care about him and what happens to you as a couple.

If a person gets depressed enough they can sink into paranoia and delusions. He may be struggling with those right now. In which case, speaking from experience, he is incapable of dealing with the phone issue and other issues you are expecting him to deal with at the moment. He is too wrapped up in what is going on in his head.

I think Brilly is right on this one. Drop the financial talk and do something fun and free together. Work on figuring his health issues out gently.

Could be too, his doctor isn't as benign as he may seem. I had a mental health nurse tell me that in the past it was standard to blame everything on the spouse of mental health patients or their family of origin, and that a divorce would settle the patient down and they could manage them easier. In some cases that may be true. Stress and genetics are factors. And stress can come from anywhere. If you want your DH well, stress management is key.

 

[seattleLMP]

There is no way he is going to give me access to things. He already thinks I am being a mega control freak. Even if he did, honestly I am working seven days a week at a highly physically demanding occupation, and doing 95% of the housework already. I desperately need him to take care of a few things. His energy is pretty good right now, and his antidepressants seem to be working for him. He says they are anyway. He is just being super combative, and I can't ask him to do anything without him thinking I am being critical. I am just exhausted.

Neither of us has any desire to move at the moment, but our rent goes up by $252 in November (totally legal, I checked) and apartments in our price range literally rent out within hours, so we have to be ready to put a deposit down should we actually find something. We have already decided we are hiring movers. He still has some mobility issues from a bone infection in his foot.

It looks like I will just be handling the budget by looking through the CC transactions every day, like you said Cookie Lee. We use the CC for everything then pay it off. That means we will always be a couple days behind, but I guess I have to live with it.

 

[brenda67]

There is no way he is going to give me access to things. He already thinks I am being a mega control freak. Even if he did, honestly I am working seven days a week at a highly physically demanding occupation, and doing 95% of the housework already. I desperately need him to take care of a few things. His energy is pretty good right now, and his antidepressants seem to be working for him. He says they are anyway. He is just being super combative, and I can't ask him to do anything without him thinking I am being critical. I am just exhausted.

Neither of us has any desire to move at the moment, but our rent goes up by $252 in November (totally legal, I checked) and apartments in our price range literally rent out within hours, so we have to be ready to put a deposit down should we actually find something. We have already decided we are hiring movers. He still has some mobility issues from a bone infection in his foot.

It looks like I will just be handling the budget by looking through the CC transactions every day, like you said Cookie Lee. We use the CC for everything then pay it off. That means we will always be a couple days behind, but I guess I have to live with it.

Sorry to say this...but I think you need to really think about your relationship with him..doesn't sound like two are on the same page with anything.Hugs.

 

[seattleLMP]

He has never been like this before and I have no reason to think he's going to stay this way forever. Stress and illness can bring out the worst in people.

 

[peanut]

It did in me when I was sick...bring out the worst I mean. hang in there! :hugz:

 

[shortstack]

((Hugs)) I live a similar situation. My husband has type 1 diabetes and has kidney issues from that. I end up feeling like his mother most days for both health and money issues.

 

[CookieLee]

There is no way he is going to give me access to things. He already thinks I am being a mega control freak.

I don't know if this is true for you, but for me, my automatic response to chronically stressful situation is to be a control freak. That is why I recommended you getting therapy for yourself, NOT because of any illness on your part, but because you deserve support during all this.

 

[seattleLMP]

Yes. I would say this is very true for me. I do agree that therapy just for me could be helpful. This big issue with that is my 2000$ deductible. We just can't spare the money right now. He is getting more and more interested in doing a kidney transplant via a paired exchange, with me as the donor. I haven't been approved or anything yet, but we're hoping. That is going to mean at least two weeks off work for him and 4-6 for me. We both have short term disability but there will be a bit of a short fall still.