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i am so glad i got a divorce...

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2K views 32 replies 23 participants last post by  Paws 
#1 · (Edited)
warning
this post is not for children's eyes

i am 2 years divorced. three years for the whole thing.

out of curiosity and boredom i googled the ex's name. he popped up on regular dating sites as "straight" and looking for a wife. then he popped up on icky sites as "bisexual" and looking for fun. his sex addcition involved engaging in anonymous sex with men in bathrooms and parks as part of his secret life.

ya know, the split personality of the sex addict is fascinating. the double secret life. what gets me is - he had two (hundred thousand dollar) psychiatric hospitalizations at the meadows, personal counseling by patrick carnes and mary pratt, and years of sobriety. and HE'S STILL DOING IT! and still trying to con me.

he still comes to me with puppy eyes and hints whether we will ever reconcile. dual personality. the double secret life.

it occured to me that he didn't love me, he loved the home and security i created.

i still miss his money. moneybags. I'll admit it.

i am eternally grateful to my heavenly father who told me verbally to "pack his stuff, put it in storage and change the locks."
 
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#2 · (Edited)
added a thought

the stages were:
the pathetic phase: panic about money, grieving, howling, crying, unable to function, missing him and our lah dee dah life, missing travel.
the angry phase: wanting to tell everybody, revenge
the peaceful phase: live and let live, i'm going to live my life

now i am in the the repair phase: repairing my home, garden, body, relationships that were neglected in the previous phases.

God hears and answers my prayers. i prayed to god for "something new". didn't specify what.

I got:
a male kitten who brought energy and new life into the house.
a new elective class to teach next year.
new paint inside my home and rearranged furniture the way i want it.
new hairstyle.
new "free at work" exercise class and a whole "free at work" exercise program i didn't know existed.
"new to me" old lane cedar chest
a mantel clock
 
#4 ·
i don't know what that expression means?
 
#5 ·
all his information out there.

dont get me wrong. i like you but it just seemed harsh.
 
#6 ·
my posting name is anonymous. he is the one who put his icky stuff out there.

and anyway. this is about me. I am sooo glad i got a divorce...
 
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#22 ·
That's right LK! And as a bisexual man he totally decieved you when taking on marriage vows. He knew it would never work. I'm sorry you went thru this but you know what? ....Good Riddance to him :sucker:, and I hope the back-door never got the chance to hit him in the butt either!

HUGS!!

Theresa
 
#7 ·
i understand that. and i'm glad that your happy without him.
 
#8 ·
LK, you have been very blessed and very fortunate to have gotten out of that relationship...it is so sad that your ex cannot be true to himself or anyone else...you were very lucky to get out and what a great life it sounds like you have...my hats' off to you...many blessings...
 
#9 ·
thanks.

it's interesting.

finding this stuff on the internet...

it sealed in my mind, once and for all, that I did the right thing. that i no longer need to feel guilty for taking the house and all the stuff. that i no longer want to have him as my beneficiary and recipient in my will. (yep, I kinda got "closure" on that...)

it clinched in my mind that i no longer have to feel (guilt) (responsibility) (did i make a mistake) (missing him) (should we reconcile) any more
 
#15 ·
I don't think anything you said was the least bit harsh. Facts are facts.
Yep...I agree. If he is going to post it, it will be for the world to see.

LK.........you are making great progress and moving on.........good for you. Don't look back........it was just an experience in life....maybe not one of your better ones, but how did you know.

Years down the road you will be able to look back and say "what the H was I thinking?"
 
#16 ·
Good for you. Life is too short to be miserable. Glad to hear you asked God for help. He's always there waiting for you to ask. Take care, it looks like it can only get better and better for you.
 
#18 ·
You did the right thing in this case, to get a divorce. You can't compete with the so called "needs" of this man. Any woman who would get involved with him would come up against the same issues unless she met him on one of those bi-sexual sites.

You have not told us his name or any identifying info on him so vent away. I am sure when you said your wedding vows there were not extra stipulations to activity like he was engageing in that you would be okay with. This had to have come a major shock when it first came to light.

It does sound like you are, after a lot of grief, putting your life back together.

Hugs to you!
 
#19 ·
no one should put up with that crap.. you did the right thing and i wish more women had the sense and courage that you have..all women should protect themselves from the diseases this type of "activity" spreads.

i think you should share this info with every women you know..i would want to know so i could avoid the creep
 
#21 ·
Mahalo for sharing LK - you are certainly a stronger person for all that you've gone through. Looking forward to hearing more of your happiness and blessings!!
 
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#25 ·
LK sweetie I`m so sorry you had to go threw this. You sure didn`t need that crap in your life.
I`m so glad you are out of it. You are a very strong woman!
The things you have done are awesome.

I would make sure all the women you know would no about him. You didn`t deserve it and they don`t either.

I wish you a wonderful future. you deserve it .

(((hugs)))
 
#26 · (Edited)
to clarify:
sex addiction is not the same as being gay or bisexual. my ex was a straight man, who did the bathroom/park thing as an easy way to "get high" and get a fix.

he used to say men are easier than women. cheaper too, don't have to pay for a date. sex addicts are opportunists. all you have to do is go to the "family rest room" at the local mall. and wait.

my ex used to have to "act out" 8-10 times a day. "he's in the bathroom AGAIN!"

sex addiction is not about gay or straight.

here is a good definition from the point of view of a male sex addict.

quote
"Sexual Addiction - What is it?
Sexual addiction is, in its simplest form, a normal sex drive that has become obsessive, to the point that behavior is out of control. Sexual addiction is referred to as a 'process' addiction, as opposed to a substance addiction like alcohol or drugs. In a process addiction, the euphoric feeling (or "high") comes from chemicals released into the brain, rather than from an external source. As the mind becomes accustomed to the release of these chemicals, it searches out for continued sources of that high. This could be from eating, the adrenaline rush of competition, putting yourself in dangerous situations, or from sexual stimuli. Sexual addiction can take on many forms, from the use of pornography and masturbation to repeated sexual affairs, patronizing prostitutes, and voyeurism. In extreme cases, sexual addiction can involve molestation, rape, and even murder. The many forms of sexual addiction have one thing in common, the behavior is done in secret, and the sex addict becomes skilled in hiding this secret life from those closest to him. "

my ex husband was clean and sober from his addiction and active in SAA from 1995 to 2005 which i why stayed and why we were so happy. then ironically it was an affair with a woman that lasted two years 2005-2007 that destroyed our marriage.
 
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#27 ·
By the sounds of it, you're doing much much better without him. People who act that way deserve to be castrated for it in the way that it makes the hurt party feels they should be.

I think it would be different if he'd been up front about it from the start. Hiding things like that can really affect other people and not just the person that's doing it.

I think ladykemma2 is handling this in a way that's healthy for her to move on and get closure.

Good for you, girl!
 
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#29 ·
I was married 2 years and 25 days the first time...he left me for one woman and was engaged to another...on our 1st wedding anniversary! :eek:

So, I divorced him, but went back and forth for about 4 years about whether or not I wanted the man. He did something really nasty and I met DH and about the same time. We'll (DH and I) have been married 30 years midmonth. The ex is on his 4th? 5th? wife....

I don't blame you a bit. Be well, be happy, and grow. You can find someone else who will love you the way you are without all the deception and games.

((many hugs))

Judi
 
#32 ·
Glad you are feeling better emotionally and physically. You did what was right for you.
 
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