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First I want to apoligize for this long post. This is hard for me to type so if I ramble I am sorry. Here's my situation, I got married in January, to who I thought was a terrific guy. We had met through our church and had a whirlwind relationship. He was super good to me and treated me very well. He was extremely affectionate, caring, kind, gentle, etc., you know the kind of guy that wouldn't hurt a fly? We got married and it all changed. At first it was little things and it took a while for me to notice. Some of the stuff I am just now realizing as I look back. He started to withhold affection, raise his voice at me, started swearing and became quick tempered (all of which he had NEVER done).

I asked him what was going on and he said he was stressed from work. He didn't like me to visit my family and didn't like when they came here. Then he stopped going to church and said that he didn't want me to go either and I told him that I was going, with or without him, and he said that I would do what he did. Then came the name calling and a few times things got physical. Now mind you all the time that this stuff is going on, NOBODY knows what is really going on. And when people saw us he "acted" like there was nothing wrong and that everything was absolutely perfect. So I ask him if he will go to counseling with me and he blatantly refused and would get super angry when I would try to talk about it. Anytime I would try to talk to him about what was going on he would get super angry.

So things just keep getting progressively worse and I keep trying to get him to talk about what was really going on with him and he always blamed stress at work. I just kept trying to be the best wife I could be.

So then on the 5th of October he tells me that he has put in his 2 week notice at work and that the 19th will be his last day of work. I am shocked and I asked him what he was going to do for a job and he said he wasnt sure yet. I was panicked because he is the breadwinner. I was working fulltime when we got married but he made me quit my job so he could "provide" for me. We don't have a savings. Money has been tight and we have have been struggling.

On the 18th he got up really early and when I got up he had his stuff packed and I was like whats going on? And he says that he's leaving and I of course freak out. He says I don't love you like I used to and I don't want to be with you anymore, and walked out the door.

I am freaking out. I'm a wreck. I haven't slept in almost a month, and by that I mean I fall asleep about 6-6:30 am and wake up by 8-9 am. I'm so torn and distraught that it's hard to function during the day. I keep really busy though to try to keep my mind off everything. I am emotionally drained, I love him, I know that there was something going on with him and I couldn't help him, which tears me apart because he means so much to me. But at the same time I am angry at him for just leaving me after all that we've been through.

On the financial side, I'm really hurting. He left me with nothing. I have no money, the rent wasn't paid this month and it's due in a day for November. All the bills weren't paid this month and will be due within a couple weeks. I'm desperately trying to get a job.

I feel like I have to put on this front and this happy face for the outside world, while I am dying on the inside. I have never felt so alone, depressed, hopeless, and helpless in my life. It's as if I am watching my life fall apart all around me.

Thanks for listening, I feel a little better after this venting.


 

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First I am sorry you regoing thru this I know that it hurts but it seems that you re mourning what you wanted to have in a relationship and not what really was. allow yourself the time to be hurt but financially you need to take action. Do you have family or friends you can stay with if you cannot pay the rent or can someone help you financially until you get a job and get back on your feet ?What about your church you need to tel people whats going on no point in hiding it and suffering alone Your husband sounds like a cruel man and i dont care what was going on with him what he did was wrong and quite honestly you are better off without him i know you dont think so now but in time you will. Take care and stay strong we are here for you at FV.

PS the only thing I can see is either he is mentally ill or a first class jerk when someone tries to isolate you from family watch out that is a major RED FLAG trust me on this I know
 

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I am so sorry this happened to you. I have to agree with Lora88 , you are morning what you wanted not what actually was.

The best and only thing you can do is to get up and move on. Go to your church , talk to your pastor. You have nothing to hide, he is the one who was wrong.
Best wishes
 

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April I went through pretty much the same thing except for the leaving me with nothing part because I never quit my job and we never commingled our finances.

I really feel for you and my heart goes out to you. Its a blow not just to you but to humanity when people act like that. I mean, literally the DAY that we got married the guy that I married did a 180.

When you say whirlwind I'm going to assume that you married someone you didn't know that well and just believed what they told you. Thats what I did. Mine had a past that wasn't that great relationship-wise but assured me that he was totally different now blahblah blah. Well, he wasn't and I would bet a million bucks that he still isn't.

One of the worst things is that he fought for custody of his kids and I mean this guy fought tooth and nail to get custody of them and then right after we divorced (he divorced me) he dumped them back on their mom. All that after saying they "came first".

The most flack I got was from people that asked me why I married such a person in the first place, saying like attracts like and you attract who you are (I sure hope I'm not that and in fact I know I am not lol) which would only add extreme insult to injury.

I really think that you should go to your pastor with this and ask for help and see if they have a benevolent fund where they can pay your rent while you look for a job or arrange other public assistance if you can.

Just make sure that you protect yourself from here on in and file for a divorce on abandonment (from the biblical standpoint, anyway) so this guy can't wreak any more havoc in your life now or ever again.
 

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I am so sorry you are dealing with this. First I want to say this and do not mean to be unkind but I think this is a blessing. Go see if you can get you job back, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life. This is a blessing that this "man" and I use that term loosely left. Do NOT go back with him under any circumstances.
 

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I'm running short on time, so I couldn't read all the posts. I grew up in an abusive home with abusive fathers and thank God, you don't have children. There is nothing like watching your mother get her head smashed into a wall or her arm broken and being called every name in the book. Thank God he left when he did.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I know I'm a hard *ss with this, but my past has shaped my views on this. I think you're scared that you can't make it on your own. Your self confidence is low. You're afraid you might not find the right man, etc. You're life is different and it might be more of a financial struggle, but you WILL find a job, you WILL need to make adjustments to your lifestyle but every day you WILL get stronger and you'll realize you don't need a man.....especially an abusive one, to be happy.

You don't need someone to control your life and your thoughts. You don't need someone to tell you where you can & can't go and who you are "permitted" to do things with. You don't need someone to tell you can't see your family or go to church and you don't need to live in fear of being emotionally or physically hurt if you don't follow his "rules." You are not a weak woman! You are strong and you WILL recover from this! Don't fall into a pit of self pity, go on and live your life and you will meet the right man at the right time and you will be amazed to discover the inner strength you have.

Hugs!
 

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I am so sorry you are dealing with this. First I want to say this and do not mean to be unkind but I think this is a blessing. Go see if you can get you job back, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life. This is a blessing that this "man" and I use that term loosely left. Do NOT go back with him under any circumstances.
:yeah:

sadly, I'd have to agree with jamie79 on this one.

sorry about this, but you have to get going forward......
 

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classic, textbook abuser, even to the point of having you quit your job, and making you stay away from your family. Of course you are REELING from this experience.

porofessional counseling now! (local women's center) Job now!
 

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April, I have to admit, as I was reading your post, my thought was "You need to get out and get out NOW." I was almost relieved when you posted that HE left, because I think you were in more danger than you know.

Don't feel you have to put on a happy face. You had a horrible experience, and no one expects you to hide it. You have family and friends for a reason - use them.

I would talk to the landlord and to your bill holders and explain that you aren't able to pay the bills right now, but that you will send "x" amount (figure out what you can send, but try to send SOMETHING) now and "x" amount every "y" weeks until you catch up.

Apply for whatever you need to help you through. Unemployment, food stamps, everything to act as a bridge to get you through.

And first and foremost, change the locks on your doors and don't let your husband back when he comes knocking and asking forgiveness. It's just part of the abuse cycle.
 

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I escaped from an abusive marraige too. I say escaped because either of us could have died. He WILL come back, begging forgiveness and saying he has changed but these men, barring years of therapy, DO NOT CHANGE. He isolated you from your support systems (family, friends, church) and made you dependant on him ( quitting your job.) Then he left you. It is all about control.

I have some advice that means the world. Go to your closest women's shelter and talk to them. It doesn't matter that he isn't there abusing you right this minute. What is happening to you is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what you have been through and they can help. They have seen this so masny times and they know how to guide you through it. They can help with your housing, mediate with family if need be (but I bet your family will be thrilled to help you and welcome you back with open arms.) The shelter will provide free counseling, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. They can help you with a job search too. Basically, when you are reeling, they are there to support you and help you put your life on track again.

You are one of the lucky ones. You are free, honey. You didn't have to sneak out in the middle of the night, leaving all your worldly possessions. You don't have children to be scarred by this. You are going to come through it stronger than ever. Learn from this and you will be able to spot an abuser a mile away.

The info about the women's shelter? I know this because they helped me. They can help. They want to help, and sweetie, right now you need it. I beg you to take advantage of this resource.
 

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Sending warm hugs your way!! I agree with Lora88. This guy is an a #1 A#OLE. Go and talk with your pastor immediately. You need support and guidance. I am sure he will know of places that might be able to give financial assistance. Let your friends and family know what is happening. You have done nothing wrong. I realize what is happening to you is very stressful, but you really do need to talk with people and find help.

Keep us updated to know how you are doing. Try to remind yourself you are strong and can get through this. Also, the more people who know the more that will come your way. Someone may know of a job, place to stay, financial help, etc. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

If the creep wanders back, remember what you are going through now and say never again!!!

Stay strong and know you are not alone. HUGS!
 

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A dear, dear friend of mine went through this many years ago, only he stayed and continued to act on his narcissistic impulses.

Twenty years later, when he decided that their 'foster daughter' (an innocent teenager who he brought into the household but he would never legally adopt like he did their other 5 adopted kids) was going to be the new mommy!!!

He isolated and brainwashed eveyone to the point where he almost got away with kicking mom out and disappearing to Wyoming with all the kids (15 of them by that point)

By God's grace, she found the strength to file for divorce, keep the kids and try and make a life. I feel for you, but keep this in mind. Right now, you're at your lowest point - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It can only get better from here.

Your family and your church want you back and want to help you. LET THEM!!! They love you - really love you - and God is going to teach you so much throught this experience.

I'm so glad you shared, and so glad everyone else with a similar story is supporting you. You are in my prayers.
 

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All i can say is please take everone advice and go to family,pastor and friends,you are lucky he left and under no sustance do not let him back in your life.you are in my prayers.
you have nothing to be ashamsd of and probably helped someone else by telling what happened.
 
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classic, textbook abuser, even to the point of having you quit your job, and making you stay away from your family. Of course you are REELING from this experience.

porofessional counseling now! (local women's center) Job now!
I agree with this. Textbook controlling behavior. The keeping you from family, friends. Keeping you isolated. No job.

Get the counselling. Pastor or whomever.

If anyone, ANYONE tries to tell you that YOU played any part in this, that you 'should have known' in any way..... RUN AWAY from them. Even if it's your Mom.

Guys do the ole' 180 on women all the time. Smooth as silk, chivalrous, attentive, loving, sweet.....and turn into monsters once married. It is in no way anything you did.

It hurts right now, but you are VERY lucky that HE left YOU. NO having him threaten you if you wanted to leave the relationship (to get away from the abuse)........NO trying to boot him from the house........NO children yet.........

You haven't been with him very long. Get hold of a person from legal aide, get a lawyer. Make a clean break before he wants to 'come back'. They say they will change, but they don't. They only get worse.

<<HUGS>>
 
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Who's name is your apt rented in? I kicked out my abusive husband but wasn't able to get him off the rental agreement. Before I had a chance to move he broke in and held us hostage and threaten to kill us. It all turned out ok but we couldn't charge him with breaking and entering because his name was still on the rental agreement. It ended up being just a domestic dispute. So be careful!! I agree with the others, and keep yourself safe.
 

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You've received some very good advice. I'll keep you in my prayers and I'm sending a great big hug your way.
 

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I think foremost

You love this man, he was wonderful, caring and kind, you gave your love and yourself to him..... and that YOU LOVE HIM! you married him, wanted to spend the rest of your life with him! With the wedding and future you set your dreams and future with HIM!

which every girl does!

Now you have to define HIM! (which you did pretty clearly in your post.) And this is very important!

He WAS, kind, caring, loving, supportive.... etc but he is not... (how long had he been attending church etc)

He IS....... cold. calculating, and jut plain cruel...

Through no fault of your own you fell in love with someone who was playing a role rather than living it! not himself, abusers know what they have to do to bait the hook and catch......... fail... and reset it... so he will come back...

And no matter what he says it is NOT your job to fix him of stress.... etc... I guarantee, you will hear if you loved me you will understand and just help me (think! have no where else to stay, when he says this!) because it will be true!

He does not define your future you do! and I pray when he knocks you have enough strength to remember who he is, rather than who he was....that person was not real..

And the only way you will accomplish that successfully is letting others in~ your pastor, your friends, your parents...........us at frugal village, he set you up to be stranded......... if nothing empowers you more, let him know you are not.....let that fuel your fire, to contact those you love........

You did not fail, you just happened to trust in the wrong one............. THIS TIME! Nothing to be ashamed of... as you can see by the posts here many have done it. DO NOT CARRY SHAME WITH THIS.....
 

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April, make sure you call the people you owe money BEFORE they call you. Be proactive.

Second, this situation is NOT your fault, it's his and it's also his LOSS, not yours.

So make some solid decisions and start getting on with the things you KNOW you need to do.

Do you have any family that can help you?
good luck and keep us posted.
 
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