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I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll start with last night. For dinner, I made some Quesadillas and some Jumbalaya. I knew my ds won't eat the Jumbalaya, so I just gave him a wedge of a quesadilla (the size of a 1/4 of a soft taco) Well, he was fine with it until he pulled off the top tortilla and started freaking out because there was meat and cheese in it. So I told him to just eat what was in his hand since it had nothing on it. He saw dh and I had put salsa and sour cream on ours, so he wanted some to. So he put some on there, then he didn't want to eat that. Then begins the nightly battle to get him to eat.

Since this kid has been weaned off the bottle, he pretty much refuses to eat. I battle him to eat breakfast, he doesn't get lunch in hopes he'll be hungry at supper and it's a battle then to. Until about this past Sept, dh would complain that we need to start making this kid eat. We've tried everything any one could possibly think of, and the only thing that gets him to eat is getting my heavy soup ladel across his ass.

So last night, after about 20 minutes of telling ds to eat, I get up to get my ladel and dh yells at me to just leave him alone and just let him sit there and he's sick of this BS every single night. So I had a few choice words for dh and I sat down and again just told ds to eat. DS tells me "Daddy told you to leave me alone!" So I told him "I don't care what daddy says, I'm not leaving you alone until you start eating." So from then on I've been getting the silent treatment from dh, and there lies my problem. Everytime it comes to disciplining my ds when dh is home, I always end up with 2 battles.

Somewhere along the line, dh thinks he's ds' friend instead of his father. No matter what I do to discipline ds, dh ALWAYS disagrees. I shouldn't spank him, I shouldn't yell at him, if I send him to his room, dh questions me about that and tells ds he can come out. A couple weeks ago, we were all outside, dh was working on something, and I was pushing ds on his swing. DS told me to stop pushing him- so I went over to check on dd becasue she had started crying. Then DS throws a fit because I stopped pushing him. I went over to push him, and he threw a fit about that. So I sent him in the house to take a nap- so of course, he started screaming and crying which got dh's attention. After I layed ds down, dh comes in the house "Why did you send him in, was he having too much fun?" I started to tell him why then decided I shouldn't have to explain to him my reasons so I told him to go F off. He should atleast pretend to stand behind me instead of opposing everything infront of ds. All that teaches ds is that he doesn't have to do anything I tell him because daddy will protect him. But the irony is how dh handles things. One day last summer (ds was 2 at the time), ds was holding some nails for dh helping him with something. DS dropped a nail and dh couldn't find it so DH started yelling at him about it amd kicked one of DS trucks across the yard because he had to go get another nail out of the garage. Or another famous quote from dh "if you do that again, I'm gonna break your arms (legs, neck, whathave you)" Am I the only one who sees a huge problem with that?

And yesterday, I was on the phone with dh and he was telling me about the phone call he got from his lawyer for his DWI thing. I'm trying to process the info, but ds was standing behind me whining, throwing himself on the floor over God knows what so I yelled at him to go in the living room and watch TV. So DH asked me why I'm so mean to him. He doesn't understand he only does this crap while I'm on the phone (which really isn't too often).

So I'm really at the end of my rope, between this crap and dh's lack of appreciation for anything I do- which is a whole other rant in it's self. But let me just tell you about one day last week. I try to keep the house picked up for when dh comes home. It may not be vaccuumed or dusted, but everything is picked up and put away. DH came home and ds had some toys on the floor in the living room he wasn't playing with. So DH asked him to put them away if he isn't playing with them because he's sick of the house being a disaster when he gets home. EXCUSE ME!!!???

I'm almost tempted to pack the kids stuff up and move out, but I have no where to go. I feel as though he doesn't want me around other to cook for him, since that's the only thing he doesn't complain about. And I don't have a job, so it's not like I can pay for this house by myself along with daycare. I'm sick of him making me feel like crap, and questioning me infront of ds. He's never sorry for anything he says. And I'm sure of he read this, he'd tell you I'm twisting everything around, since he thinks I'm a stupid bat anyways...

Thanks for reading- it's good to know I have friends here who actually make me feel GOOD for atleast part of my day.
 

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Laura, :hugz: Looks like you need a hug. I'm sorry to hear you have troubles at home with your dh. The only thing I can suggest to you, is what we did oursleves, a couple of years ago, is to have a few visits with a family therapist who could help both of you reach a understanding how you could raise your ds.

We did this because my dh and I never did the same thing on discipline to our children. We often disagreed. He was always relaxed and letting everything go and I was always the one making the rules and disciplining them.

Now we work as a team. We *try* to speak in private when we disagree, so our kids don't try to take advantage of our different point of views. It's far from being perfect, but the stress we had between each other is all about gone.

I don't know if this could help, but I do hope you can find a solution. I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.:heartsm: Good luck, Laura.

Remember, we're here for you... :)
 

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Laura,
I have no real advise. But I wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anyway you can get your dh into counseling, even if its just with a minister, I would push for it. Good luck.

pat
 

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Dear God, we married the same man?!?!?!
My solutions:
I eat while I'm cooking so I can just pick at dinner - I'll get up and leave to put in laundry, change loads etc. & come back to start putting dishes in the sink, clean counters - I usually take 10-15 minutes to do this leaving HIM to get fed up.

Whatever dh says to do that you know isn't productive, "okay..." then just do what you need to. He probably won't notice.

Try giving ds a big lunch because dh isn't around so when dinner comes around...

Forget the ladel at dinner. Quietly get up, dump ds' food in the garbage and sit back down. End of discussion. If he's screaming at you, don't look at him. Tell dd what a good job she's doing and that you're glad she likes the dinner you made for her even if it is baby food. If dh wants ds to have something he can figure it out - you have to put the clothes in the dryer right now.

Whenever ds starts to scream at you or whine about something look right over his head and start the "What is that sound? I wonder where Chris went" and look around for him, but not much (shrug and "oh, well. hope he comes back). Explain to him that you can't hear him when he yells only when he talks. He obviously loves getting a rise out of you and dh has taught him that screaming and throwing a fit will get him his way. He probably doesn't even bother asking for things half the time, just starts with the whining? (I loved that part, too.)

I haven't come up with one for the phone yet. Sometimes dh will hang up on me because he can't have my undivided attention...

Ds is getting too old to carry on like that. Does your library have a story time or can you try to put him in daycare for a couple of half days a week? Sounds like you need a break from the men in your life. Any way you could just take dd and stay somewhere for a night or two to "help" someone or for dh and ds to have a boys' weekend at home or somewhere, anywhere, camping?

All I can say is good luck and I truly feel for you.
 

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I agree with simplemom-you have to work as a team.

My 4 year old nephew has existed on butter sandwiches for the last 6 months with the occasional spoonful of peanut butter. Most of the time he eats nothing.

Does you ds have a swallowing problem? Sometimes kids have a disorder that doesn't allow them to swallow properly. They were going to check my nephew for this, but he did start eating the butter sandwiches, lol.

The ped seems to think he will outgrow it. In my opinion, and also to keep the peace, don't force him to eat. He'll eat when he's good and hungry. Then maybe it won't be such a battle.

I have no advice on the DH issue, as I have no experience.

Sending :hugz: :)
 

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You and your dh need to get to a therapist, and I would also consider a nutritionist for your son.
 

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Laura,
You guys need some help. I really am afraid we are not qualified to offer advice.
However I have been through the kid not eating thing. I learned the hard way, when they are hungry, they will eat. There is no use in your trying to force it, as all it will do is upset you, the kid and your dh. I have worked with kids for over 20 years, plus raising my 2. If they don't want what I fix they can wait until the next meal. I refuse ot battle over such things. However your dh needs to support you, not attack you in front of the kids.
As to the rest, the best advice I ever got was to pick my battles.
Of course every one has a different button that kids push. For my dh it was them saying they don't love mom, which they haven't said for years! MY reaction was always to tell them, thats ok I love you anyway. DH's response was to demand they apologize to me!
I finally figured out that the key is to not let them see they are in control. If they don't want to eat, fine they will get hungry. Refuse to pick toys up out of the livingroom??? fine they will disappear! I would literally get a big trash bag and put anything I wanted picked up in it if I had to ask more than twice.
They threw fits, I walked away. Its not easy but it worked for me.
You need a breather, some of what you describe sounds as if its getting out of control. Do you have a support system? Some one you can go and talk to? Maybe even just take off for a soda once or twice a week. You need a break, no doubt. I wish I was closer, I would be more able to help. I could take the kids for a bit and give you some time off.
As to your dh complaining about the house, take a deep breath, let it slide and find small changes you can make.
DO NOT LET HIM SEE IT GET TO YOU.
My dh used to pull the same thing. Once he threatened to leave me over it. Mind you, I was working 2 jobs plus doing all the house stuff while he was unemployeed! I was in the middle of cleaning the bathroom that he messed up and I looked at him and, I actually growled! I told him to go get the papers and I would be happy to sign! That was 6 years ago and he never mentioned a messy house since!
You need to find away to bring up your self esteem.
Check out a head start program for the kids, if you qualify you may not have to pay for it. Or some local churches have moms day out times. Then in what ever time you have, find an interest, something that will give you a feeling of worth. Something your dh can not take away.
You need to get to a place where you are not afraid to stand alone if he contiues this behavior.
I still advise some counseling, any church can provide it, and they do not charge, you just need to seek it out.
Please understand, I am not saying you are a bad anything, you just need some help. If I was closer I could help, but not much I can do from here but listen. Email or pm anytime and I will do what I can.
I hope you get some encouragement from what the ladies here have to say.
 

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I would get your family help before it's too late and CPS is called.
What is going on in that household is clearly abuse.
None of us are qualified to offer you the support you truly need.
I can't impress upon you enough to seek some help for yourself and your family.
No one is here to judge you or to tell you how to discipline your children or what to tolerate with your husband, BUT no one wants to read that you choose to hit your 3 yr old son with a heavy soup ladel until he eats either. Witholding food is also abusive.
I have thought this post over the best I can and I want to be supportive of you, but there is no way in my personality to fluff over the abuse in your household. Go get help and get help now.
I'd rather you hate me for my opinion than sit by and say nothing at all.


Women's Supportive Services Claremont NH (603) 543-0155
Child and Family Services of NH 1-800-640-6486
http://www.cfsnh.org/index.html
 

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:angel: Sara, bless you for having the courage to post what you did. I am a new member here, and I was trying to think of a way to post what Sara said, without sounding hurtful or judgemental.

Laura, your post made me cry...for all of you. You are under an enormous amount of stress, and I wish some of us were closer IRL, so that we could offer better support.

Please, please look into getting some support for you and your children. My heart breaks to think about how unloved and appreciated you must feel, and how your children must feel with the stress and your methods of discipling!

Does your community offer any Moms and Tot type programs, where you can go for a break? They often offer parenting groups, many provide free childcare. These groups are wonderful, and often encouraging, and may help you to learn new techniques for dealing with some of the challenges you are facing with your children.

Please ask your family doctor, your minister or even the CPS for some support. You can just call and ask for information about Moms and Tot groups, or names of family therapists, or subsidized daycare (to give you a breather), or for parenting groups. CPS is there to offer parents support, they do not want to remove your children. Lots of people call for information, for others, for themselves, just because they want to be better parents. Not because they are horrible parent...KWIM?

You can call for information, or look in the phone book, or at your library bulletin board, or ask at your church!

You could just call and ask your family doctor about your son's refusal to eat....and then it could lead to asking about lists of moms and tots groups, there is nothing wrong with telling him you need some support right now!

About the parenting groups....I lead quite a few in my community...we are a diverse group of parents....with children as different as we are as parents, and we support and offer insights into our challenges, and we share our successes.

Asking for help, or attending parenting support groups, does not make you a bad person, or a bad parent.

It just makes you human, like everyone else here...someone who needs support, encouragement, praise....and some peace in their life right now!

Please know....I do not write this in judgement of you. I am really worried about your situation, and I really know that you and your children deserve far better than what is in your life right now.

The fact that you posted this shows that you know that you want things to change. They can change....all you have to do is take the first step...and get some love and support for you and your children. First and foremost....then you can help your dh to work with you.

**** I don't say this to scare you, but in many jurisdictions, based on your post, CPS could remove your children at this time.

In many jurisdictions CPS, CAN and WILL remove your children for witholding food (neglect), excessive yelling (emotional abuse), and for using something other than an OPEN HAND for disciplining your child!!!! Again, this is not said in judgement to be hurtful to you!

Please don't use a soup ladle on your sweet son anymore! Walk away, take a deep breath.....but please call someone and make a change in your life...for you and your kids!



HUGS! You will be in my prayers and thoughts.
 

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I agree 110 % with Sara on this one, i dont think i could have put it into those words though. This is a abusive situation for all involved and its only going to get worse. Put yourself in your childs shoes look at what they see around them. Yelling temper tantrums ect. No wonder he acts the way he does...
 

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Well Laura I have no idea what to say..It sounds like you need a break.... And your husband doesn't value you or what you do at all. I think he has created a bnig problem.

As for the food issues, most professionals will agree a child will not stave themselves.. so try to give him breakfast and if he doesn't want it try lunch and then try supper BUT no snacks or juice (stick with water since juice will fill him up) between, that is tough but he will eat if he is hungry enough..

Sounds like your frustration level is very high right now, so take a deep breath and keep trying..

As for the house being "a mess" if Rick dares to say that to me I inform him I am too busy to always get it done and if he doesn't like it to clean it up himself (he is the biggest slob!)...

You can always e-mail me if you need to vent,
Eileen
 

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I agree whole heartedly with Sara.In my house the punishment usualy fits the crime,meaning if you don't eat(happens alot here) then you don't get dessert when everyone else does and if you say your hungry after the meal and you didn't eat your food well its in the fridge waiting on you when you are hungry.And actualy if he gets spanked for not eating he might assoctiate food with discipline and have "bad" feeings about food.My dkids dr always told me that its quality not quantity and that they WILL eat when they are hungry and go threw stages like this,actualy for a long time,he could just be at a stage where he isn't going threw a growth spurt right now and doesn't need as much fuel.Trust me he will remember everyone else getting to eat a brownie or some ice cream after dinner without him more than he would remember a spanking.Don't deny him food so he will be hungry at dinner time,feed him a little less or earlier,also if your dh gets home right when dinner is put on the table that gives no time for him and your ds to wind down from a long day and play together,so give them say 20min to play and then have dinner.I would definately pick my battles with your ds.I look back and think of all the times when dd wouldn't eat and how hard it was on everyone,we just ignored her at super time and eventualy she got the picture.Plus at 3yrs old they don't understand that they need food to make their bodies "go".As with the phone every kid does this as in "mom your not paying attention to me"Mine do it and so does my friends kids,actualy they do it when i'm on the phone with my friend and hers are doing it at the same time.Just let him throw his fit and go to another room and shut the door.He learns he can get attention from you if he throws a tantrum or doesn't eat.

My dh does the same thing,but his is cause he is stressed out from work(he's worked 70hrs so far this week)so I just let him vent,I would work out any problem with your dh first though cause unhappy parents tend to have unhappy children.I agree with everyone else and would advise to seek counceling very soon.And from first hand experience I was hit with a ladel as a child and I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS FOR IT HURT LIKE HELL AND I'LL NEVER FORGIVE MY MOTHER FOR IT EITHER.nothing good came out of it at all.Have you ever been hit with one of those things.
 

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Thanks ladies, you really truely are the best. I do realize that no one here has the magic answer to solve all problems, nor do I expect that from anyone here. It's just aggrevating as hell to feel it's "me vs. them" day in, day out. I know there's gotta be someone here who can definitely relate to that. Maybe I should have just left it at how does you and your dh deal with differences of opinion as far as discipline. I don't want any of you to think all I do is yell and scream all day while my ds walks around emaciated with bruises all over. That is totally not the case. But if you've lowered your opinion about me and if I've lost a few friends here- I know I'm not Mrs. Brady and I do want to be a better mother and not have my kids complain how I screwed up their lives and blame me for everything bad that's happened to them when they're grown up. I really do appreciate all of your comments and opinions as harsh as they seem. It's tough love :bigsmile:

I don't withhold food- to me lunch is a sandwich with chips, mac and cheese- something along those lines- not crackers and peanut butter, or cheee it's or pudding and the like.

Later on in the day, dh called and actually apologized for his behavior that AM (there's a first time for everything) and I told him straight out that the crap needs to stop. I told him he can't be disagreeing with me infront of the kiddos or else they will think they don't have to listen to me. He told me he understands that and we've been fine since. Plus it helps he's been in VT all week. I haven't had a problem with ds all week either since I've just been letting him eat whatever (hotdogs and the like). So you guys are probably right, if I just ignore him at the dinner table, tensions will ease up all the way around.
 

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Laura, I don't think any of us would claim to be perfect parents, I do know that after my first marriage failed, I had decided that I would never again live with the enemy or fight the people inside my home ! I spend too much time sheltering and protecting myself and family from what lies outside my home. I won't fight those in it. I do not feel that it is me vs. them. It would be easy to feel that way, but I know it is US ! and they are not the enemy, they are ME..... I can no more expect them to be perfect than I would have them expect me to be. I can't ask them to be better people than I am willing and capable of teaching them to be. Parenting is a challenge, even with 2 parents in the home. It takes a united pair to really be successful at parenting..... In 13 years of marriage my dh has NEVER called me out of my name or raised his hand to me nor I to him. I would never tolerate it ! I think a real family begins with respect, first for yourself, and then for others.....
 
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