[ansley]

After 10yrs of telling my DH all I want is to spend time together as a family and to get out of debt, he is finally all about family time and getting bills paid off and getting me a better auto. The auto thing is a very long story. I have held on for so long and worked so hard just to do damage (that he caused) control. Now that I don't have to do that any more I just feel numb.

I asked him about the change and he said he realized he was being selfish. I don't know how to feel about that. I guess I should be happy but I'm not. I'm glad he is having more to do with the younger dc. But I just don't feel anything. Empty maybe?

 

[Ramona]

Tired? Resentful? Exhausted? All may manifest as depression which can present as numbness. You're been in combat mode for so long it was your "normal".

Step back, examine your feelings and give yourself little treats.

((hugs))

 

[mauimagic]

Think Ramona put it perfectly from my perspective. For me it's like he changed the rules and the family rolls without warning - and while he's doing what you've always wanted - he blindsided you with it - IMHO only!!

You deserve time to process all these changes - and then charge ahead on this new adventure. Communications - what a challenge!! Keep us updated please.

 

[ttistin]

You need to take some time and get used to it all. Make sure that you keep the communication going with your dh, that would be my main advise.

 

[Droppedonmyhead]

Think Ramona put it perfectly from my perspective. For me it's like he changed the rules and the family rolls without warning - and while he's doing what you've always wanted - he blindsided you with it - IMHO only!!

You deserve time to process all these changes - and then charge ahead on this new adventure. Communications - what a challenge!! Keep us updated please.

I agree. He changed and you have no one to do damage control for, so you're left feeling "empty". It's kind of like the terms of your relationship have changed. But if he is sincere about his being selfish in the past and wanting to change. . . I say EMBRACE IT. That doesn't happen to a lot of people. Some people would give their eye tooth to have their spouse change like that. Learn to enjoy it!!!!!!

 

[frugalwarrior2]

I get it. I would be on watch patrol to see if it was a trick. (my too good to be true personality)

Then I would take every oppertunity to reinforce his new attitiude w/ compliments and "such".
Hope all moves forward. Now you can make positive plans.

 

[MsMarieH]

I agree with droppedonmyhead. Be grateful and thankful!

Is this one of those classic "be careful what you wish for" scenarios?

 

[ansley]

He went with us to play "at" tennis last Sunday. DS is the tennis player the rest of us were just messing around. It was fun but DH's knees hurt him that night.

It is a lot of things. All the goals and dreams we had when we got married will never happen now. Some can be altered but are not as important to me in the altered state. I find myself dreaming of things that don't include him. Like learning to play the penny whistle (short term) or a one bedroom cabin that only I live in (long term). My dreams of the future no longer include him or any man.

He doesn't keep promises and he does stupid with money with me telling him that is not a good idea. Another guy told him the exact same thing I did on one subject but he didn't believe me and then he comes home with, so and so is so smart. That guy and I even laid it out the same way. Why the He!! didn't he trust me?

 

[mauimagic]

Difficult, challenging times Ansley - sounds as if you have a lot to think about. Take care and keep in touch.

 

[MsMarieH]

I'd say it sounds like a counseling session is in order. Some serious communication needs to take place. Since you have children, you (both) should be doing everything you can to work things out.

 

[Droppedonmyhead]

I can really relate to the "not listening to me" problem. I had a boyfriend who was going through a tough time and he would ask my advice. So I'd tell him what I thought and he would "poo poo" it. Then someone else would tell him exactly the same thing, and he would take it as the gospel!!! And give that person the credit for telling him that. It really does hurt your feelings and makes you feel badly towards that person after a while. It's just maddening and can quickly destroy any kindly feelings towards that person.

 

[Greebo]

I asked him about the change and he said he realized he was being selfish. I don't know how to feel about that. I guess I should be happy but I'm not. I'm glad he is having more to do with the younger dc. But I just don't feel anything. Empty maybe?

Or perhaps you're not ready to believe his change is for real yet.

After 10 years, there's a lot of baggage piled up. It won't vanish over night, and you shouldn't expect it to. And neither should he - if he's genuinely changed, he will accept that too.

 

[ansley]

I agree. I don't trust him. He started getting better with the money issue almost 2yrs ago. Why, I have no idea. Until this last debt in BS2 he worked really hard to get bills paid off. He has started fighting me on the last one. This has me nervous. Per my plan we should be out of BS2 early 2013 but per his plan it will be 12.5yrs. I am hoping this is just burnout starting to creep in.

It wasn't until after another man (nice looking and friendly) asked me out that DH started all the family stuff. I told the guy I was married and had no intentions of leaving my DH. I won't lie; it took some will power and soul searching at first. I still talk to the guy because we work together but he knows where I stand. To my knowledge DH doesn't know but it is odd how it started around the same time. So, will it stop when he feels "safe" again?

 

[Greebo]

It's understandable and possible that he's playing the manipulation game. It's also understandable and possible that he isn't.

I agree with previous suggestions - right now you don't have a healthy marriage - you need counseling to determine whether you want to have a healthy marriage and if so, to help you get to one.

 

[Donna Newearth]

After 10yrs of telling my DH all I want is to spend time together as a family and to get out of debt, he is finally all about family time and getting bills paid off and getting me a better auto. The auto thing is a very long story. I have held on for so long and worked so hard just to do damage (that he caused) control. Now that I don't have to do that any more I just feel numb.

I asked him about the change and he said he realized he was being selfish. I don't know how to feel about that. I guess I should be happy but I'm not. I'm glad he is having more to do with the younger dc. But I just don't feel anything. Empty maybe?

It's a start.... don't give up. At least he is willing to try.

 

[ansley]

Well not numb now. Dh went thru my text and my fb (my mistake for not logging off). He insisted that I must b cheating on him. Okay I was flirting with one guy and agreed to cut off all non-business contact. I text him to let him know and then unfriended him. I have another friend that dh wants me to end contact with. I told him no. This guy has been my friend for over 20yrs & was in the picture when dh & I met. He lives all the way across the country and I have only seen him about 3 times since he left about 23 yrs ago.
I was wrong for flirting and agreed 2 cut off contact but I will not give up my BFF.