[MrsHutto]

We were married on April 24, of this year, after 2 years of being together (a year of dating and a year of being engaged). We've never had problems, or break-ups, but had always worked completely opposite shifts. He worked 8am-5pm and I did 4pm-12am. So, needless to say, we barely seen each other. On top of that, we split housing expenses with my Mom and brother. *Yes, I know this is a bad situation.* Regardless, we seemed to have an effective, loving relationship. In July, he started expressing concern over my lack of feelings and emotion for him. He said he constantly felt like I ignored him and paid more attention to my family and that he was more, or less, a 5th wheel. He said I'd torn him from his friends and family. I was oblivious to it all, as I didn't notice any issues. On August 2, I came home to find that he had packed all of "his" belongings and moved in with his parents. He wouldn't talk to me, at all, and was adamant on the fact that he was done. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, sleep, blah, blah, blah. By Thursday, I was so depressed that I called our employee assistance program seeking help. I met with a counselor that Friday morning and began a therapy routine. That Sunday, he sent me a text message about something, completely random, and we continued the conversation for about four hours until he asked me to come see him. I went over and we decided that we loved each other and were going to make things work. The next morning, I left for a week-long business trip in which we talked, constantly, for the entirety. We professed our love for each other and couldn't wait for the weekend. We had an absolutely magical weekend and went apartment shopping. It was phenomnal...until Monday. All of a sudden, his mind went back to two weeks prior. He wasn't sure. He didn't know if he could jump back in so quickly.
He has remained with his parents while I've gotten an apartment on my own. We, usually, talk daily and see each other about 3 or 4 times a week. When we're together, he's hugging me and kissing me and playing around. Other times, it's like he loathes me and completely regrets ever marrying me. I have uncovered a LOT of truth through therapy, over the past 6 weeks and he claims he's noticed a huge change in my personality and attitude, but sometimes feels like I'm playing "mind games" with him to gain control of the relationship.
He says he's not ready for marriage counseling, right now, because he needs to get help with his own problems, but he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to do that either. I'm so confused. I'm getting mixed signals with his altering emotions (ie - one day being lovey, the next being distant). Does anyone have any opinions for me? I love this man more than I love myself, and I have NO clue what to do in this situation. We've only been married for 4 months!

 

[frugal is fun]

first of all, I'm sending hugs your way. and second, take a deep breath.

I think getting your own place was a great first step. Keep going to therapy and keep working on yourself.

As for your Dh....only he knows what happened or what changed or what didn't change. Just keep talking to him and try to be patient and encouraging.

 

[craftypam]

First I'd like to say soooooo sorry you are going through this so early in your marriage. I agree it was a very good idea for you to have a place of your own.
You do need to continue counselling. Hopefully this will shed some light on the situation so you can make a better decision of what you want to do. If he doesn't get some counselling I'd be reluctant to stay. I've been married 35 years and life has its ups and downs and if he isn't willing to share with you to work this out this early on it will be a very difficult road for you for the rest of your life.

 

[andrew's mom]

Oh dear,
Many hugs and good thoughts your way. I know this is overwhelming right now so don't make any rush decisions. Keep going to your therapy which seems to be doing a lot for you. Keep asking yourself what you want in your life and in your relationship with your husband. I agree with the previous post. Keep the lines of communication open with him as much as possible and try to find out about his feelings, his thoughts, his desires for the future. If he is honest with you, you will get an idea of where you need to go. Keep taking care of yourself, talk to him and discuss things with your therapist. When he is ready, he can join or not. Then you will know where the relationship is going. Much patience and love is needed at this point. Take care of yourself and your needs first. The rest will follow naturally. Remember, he is projecting onto you things that are going on inside him. Don't take things personally because they are not. He has some issues he needs to deal with and now they are coming out.
Good luck to you. Many hugs and positive thoughts.
Mea.

 

[frugal is fun]

great post Andrew's mom!

 

[cab54]

OK, maybe I'm old, crabby, and cynical, but am I the ONLY one who thinks that your DH is the one playing games?

I don't know----he wants to separate, but then he misses you and wants to see you,--- you have a 'wonderful weekend' (I'm assuming that means you two got 'together' in every sense of the word) and then he's back to confused and not sure he wants to be together?

Honestly--I don't know what got into him after you two were married, but it sounds like he wants the GOOD parts of marriage but not the difficult parts. JMO.

 

[Momto5RN]

can i ask your ages ??

 

[forHISglory]

First, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.
Next, I'm glad that you are getting counseling, and I believe that you have received some strong counsel here.
Also, I see some parental dependence going on with both of you (living with your parents, and his going back to his parents). You need to leave and cleave. Don't write out family, but you can't form your own relationship and still have the dependence on birth family.
Because of the lack of quality time that you have had, it is possible that you never really saw some problems that you husband has. Tread softly; and keep communication as open as you can.
You both may need to discuss what you want from your marriage in terms of time. And it may be a tough sacrifice. Are you willing to give up your job or reduce hours or do other adjustments to your job in order to have more time with your husband? Does he see you as placing more priority on your job than on him? (I realize this goes both ways...)
You have some deep thiinking and prayer to do, and some tough decisions to make. And I know that I just asked you some tough things to think about! I wish you the very best!

 

[khaski]

Cab54's on to something here, I think...you need to decide what YOU want, and how long you're willing to be pulled back and forth by him. Kudos for getting yourself into counseling...no matter which waythe coin flips on this one, sounds like a good plan.

I hope you two can work this out, if that's what you want, but please don't compromise your happiness and self esteem if he is unable to work out what HE wants.....while 'flipping feelings' can be somewhat natural, you can't let yourself get pulled into the game for too long- it's very unhealthy. You two need a solid break up or a solid plan for reconciliation.

He complained you pulled him away from 'his' people and paid more attention to your family...did her ever want to talk about making a plan to get you two out on your own, in your own place? Perhaps it's the way you phrased some of the things you said, but my impression, based on your post, is he's placing ALL the blame for this on you, and not considering his part in it. If that is the case, is this someone you really WANT to be with?

 

[mndtrp]

I would be pretty unhappy with that situation as well. I doubt I would have just walked out, though. Getting him to the counseling would be one of the better ideas.

 

[starsapphire]

I gotta go with cab54 here. His ambivalent feelings may be completely valid but he needs to not involve you with it until he sorts it out for himself. This is manipulation and self-centered behavior on his part and you don't need to be jerked around like that, its completely unfair to you. Good luck.

 

[frugalfranny]

I am so very sorry your are going through this.

Stay with the counseling.........even if he never goes. I hope you get things worked out in which ever direction will make you happy.........you deserve it........don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

life has its ups and downs and if he isn't willing to share with you to work this out this early on it will be a very difficult road for you for the rest of your life.

So.......TOTALLY agree with cp on this.

 

[karichelle]

If you barely saw each other before, it sounds like you might not have really been ready for marriage. Both of you have to be willing to give and take -- it does sound like he wants the good parts and not the bad parts -- but it all comes together as one package. I think having a place of your own would be a good place to start, along with some counseling with an impartial third party who can help the two of you work things out.

Could he be bipolar? It sounds like he is having some major mood swings as well.

 

[MrsHutto]

For the poster inquiring about our ages...we're 29.

Karichelle, I do think he exhibits bipolar symptoms. This past Saturday, he was in a great mood all day, until that evening. When he got out of the shower, he was so pissed off. It was, literally, like someone had taken over his mind. He remained super moody for about an hour and then flipped back into the good mood where he was laughing and playing. He is aware that he needs help, particularly with anger management, but he hasn't made a move to do anything about it.

Sometimes, I question the mind games, myself, Cab. Other times, I think it's the anger and inability to forgive me that has him so, utterly, confused. Regardless of the change he's seen in me, he's terrified that it's just temporary. I really don't think that's too far-fetched. I mean, I can see his point, even if I don't agree with it.

I guess the thing is, I feel like the longer we live apart, the harder it becomes for him to move back in with me, as I'm sure it is rather enjoyable to be living it up as the "single man", again. On top of that, he's not paying a penny to live with his parents, so he's blowing money, constantly (another sign of bipolar), and that would have to cease if he came back.

My friends tell me to drop it, and go talk to a lawyer, but I don't want a divorce. I want to be married to my husband. Right now, for me, divorce just isn't an option.

 

[Judi Dial]

I love this man more than I love myself, and I have NO clue what to do in this situation. We've only been married for 4 months!

My personal opinion is that you need to work on this with your therapist...the rest will follow! If you love yourself as much/more than others (not selfish, although it seems that way at first) then what you need, like not being jerked around, becomes pretty obvious. When you know clearly who and what you are and what you need, then you can tell him that and ask him if he wants that too.

If the answer is no? Well, that's awful, but it is what it is. If the answer is yes? Then you work on the relationship. But until you know clearly what you want/need, it's really easy to let someone else play with your head.

I know what I'm talking about, believe me! My ex and I lived together for around 4 months. I couldn't take his behavior and left. We tried again, and he left me for someone else. Back and forth it went.

Before it was over, I'd been engaged to the guy (off and on) for 2 years, married (off and on) for 2 years and 25 days and involved with the guy (off and on) for another 3 years. It was a miserable way to live and accomplished nothing.

My 2nd marriage has worked, we've been married just over 30 years now. My ex? He's on his 4th? 5th? wife....

My ex found reasons why our marriage was "wrong" and usuallly moved in with another lady (that happened twice I think?) although at least once he moved back to his parents.

If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't spent so long trying to make it "work" when it wouldn't. It hurt like mad to leave and a lot more to give up on the relationship. The first time we split we'd been married < 1 year and someone in my family told me to leave him, but I wasn't ready.

By our first anniversary, he was living with another lady, and engaged to a 3rd...and I served him divorce papers. But still I took him back!

My point of all this endless autobiography is to try and show you what I said above. If I'd known more what i needed and wanted and had more self-esteem at the time...when I left the first time, I would have gone for good..and saved myself 6 more years of misery.

I hope this helps!

Judi

 

[cab54]

Forgive you for what? :shrug2: Settling into married life? Being gone at work? Being a wife now instead of a girlfriend? (some guys have that Madonna complex where you are more desirable when you are not a sure thing, or whatever. Maybe I have that wrong.)

Secondly---do NOT love this guy more than yourself. That sentence set off alarms for me about you. Love someone, but know when it isn't good for your wellbeing to be with them.

I think the only good idea your DH has is for you two to remain separated for now. It will give you 'me' time and him too. It will give you time and situations where you will see whether or not he is good for you. You cannot fix him. He has to fix himself, whether it's bipolar or just immaturity.

I'm not really qualified to give you any advice, however. I just don't wanna see you unhappy for years and years.

 

[MrsHutto]

Forgive you for what? :shrug2:

I neglected him, and his needs, in order to take care of my biological family. I put my mother and brother before him, in almost every aspect. My therapist and I have been working on this, and the reason I got my own place was to break that, almost, unnatural bond I had with them.

With that being said, I do think he's being a selfish jerk that wants to have his cake and eat it, too. I really don't think he ever thinks about me, as he is constantly hanging out with his friends. It hurts when I don't hear from him all day, because I know that a single thought of me hasn't entered his mind.

 

[forHISglory]

I applaud your tenacity and determination. Too many give up too quickly, and aren't willing to look at how they themselves need to change. But with that said, do be careful. While I am not advocating divorce, time apart may be necessary for safety.

I, too, wondered about bipolar or other mental/emotional problems. I also found myself wondering about possible drug use.

I'm going to continue to pray for you and your discernment.

 

[cab54]

Do your mother and brother have special needs? Just curious.

 

[MrsHutto]

They do not, cab. I just, kind of, take on the role of the mother bear where they're concerned. I've seen them both hurt, so much, by my father and over the years, I've just developed this urge to keep a constant eye on their well-being.