Frugal Village Forums banner

1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
857 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I feel so Down :( and I am actually worried. I posted in the Debt reduction and Money Management Forum about how I have been tracking my spending etc....I did this to myself, I realize this and have come to the realization that I have to take control and be held accountable for my own behavior and as I mentioned before, there is no debt fairy who is going to come along and save me. The problem is that most of my money that I have been spending I have been trying to help my brother and his family, my parents and my significant other. Since I stopped handing out money to help my family I have been called "mean" by my significant other (who by the way still brings in more money than me), had a text from my sister in law twice and a phone call for money, had my mother tell me that when she was on life support last year and the dr.s wanted to let her go that maybe they should have (because of poor money management she was depressed when she said this to me) but I told the dr to keep trying when he asked me to let her go peacefully.....and tonight my stepfather told me that his nerves are shot because of money! I have been told that I handle money poorly that is why I have no extra money (ok, I agree with that but only because I Give, Give, and Give!) I am scared that my mother and stepfather are going to do something horrible to themselves from being depressed about money but I tried twice to help them and spent hundreds of $ over the past two years to help them...no, longer then that. I am all of the sudden the bad guy. I had moved away for 20 years and when I moved back 5 years ago is when this all started....Eg: I would be at work and my stepfather would come to my job and ask me if I had money to loan them....I paid them my rent on time to them( $400 a month while I lived with them while my brother paid nothing and they had a border along with their pensions). I just want to cry cry cry! I don't mind going through my cupboards to give them food but actual cash? No, I can't do that anymore but the guilt is so overwhelming! they are back to borrowing from their friends and going to the cash store. They had asked me to help them with their money situation (my parents) and I had them 2 times up to par and then once they were there they wanted their bank cards etc back (they had given them to me so they wouldn't be tempted to use them) I can't do this anymore but I am scared that I am going to loose them...any Prayers would be Greatly appreciated....Thanks to Everyone in Advance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
108 Posts
It's hard wanting to be there for everybody. I just think if you can not take care of your own stuff first you will drown emotionally an financially. It shows a very big heart you wanting to help but don't forget about yourself and your future.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
895 Posts
First of all big hugs. I think it is admirable that you are willing to help your family as much. However your financial house and mental sanity does come first.

I have a couple of questions though. Are your parents really not capable of paying for their needs (and the more important wants) without outside support? If they are that low-budget, have they applied for every program that might be available to them? You would be surprised how many programs are available if you only know about them.

Most people have stress in their relationship when they start making budget cuts, but when they see the debt going down and therefore the money that has to go to debt too, things generally improve. I really hope you will get out of it together and in harmony in the end.
 
  • Like
Reactions: bee9984

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,143 Posts
I know how hard this is on you.. I have been there and still am but in order to put myself first it had to be.. They have gotten mad at me called me everything but a person but I am learning to deal with it. You can too.. You can't give in. Time to do for you now. There is help for them it is just finding it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,059 Posts
I'm so sorry this is causing you pain but it is not your fault. You've tried and now you must let them be on their own financially. You can't risk your own future when they continue to make mistakes. It's not fair.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,930 Posts
First off you are not responsible for anyone else let alone everyone else.
Helping should be in the form of teaching everyone how to do better not straightening out their messes because they dont learn any responsibility for their actions. I agree about making sure your parents are signed up for programs and if they still cant handle it a social worker can help.
I would get a Dave Ramsey course as a Christmas gift for yourself and see if BF will go w/ you. And I would buy one for bro and SIL too. If they refuse,they refuse. Personally I would call a meeting and show everyone my numbers of debt,money and such. If that wasnt respected It would be clear to me they are users.
Either way I would stick to my guns about no more. And your Dmoms statement wouldnt phase me. Last year when Dmom lost my Ddad she hadnt done bills before. She wanted to dump it on me. I refused and taught her how to do it. She had plenty of money just no experience or confidence. She has more now and we have financial conversations,its nice. Educating someone is always better than fostering dependence. And be prepared for snarky comments. Just part of the gig.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
19,540 Posts
They're using their depression (if that's even what it is) to manipulate you. The next time they threaten to hurt themselves or talk about how they shouldn't have lived, call a suicide hotline and ask what you can do to support but not enable them. Also remember if they do harm themselves, that's their decision and IT WILL NEVER BE YOUR FAULT.

If they try to manipulate you into giving them money, then offer to go with them to apply for food assistance, rent assistance, whatever program might be available to help with whatever specific problem they're expecting your money to solve. Offer any help they need to get into a program. If they refuse, then you know it's not about money, it's about control (of you) and guilt tripping and not wanting to face their responsibilities.

Offer to attend financial management classes with them it they need that kind of support. If they refuse, then they don't really want to solve their problems, they just want you to keep throwing your money away on their irresponsibility.

Giving them money isn't going to help them in the long run if they are habitually unable to handle their money. It's a different situation if they're normally responsible but have had some bad luck, but that doesn't sound like what you're describing.

I wouldn't take control of their finances myself. Then you're just the bitch who won't let them have any fun. An impartial stranger advising them leaves you out of the equation. Your only job, and that's only if you want to accept it, is to lead by example and provide emotional support if they're accepting of it.

I wouldn't let them know details about your own finances. It's none of their business, and if they're scrutinizing your numbers they will no doubt figure you can do without this, that, or something else in order to give them money. No need to open the door on that argument at all.

It's going to be painful. You're going to have to toughen up and learn to let their mean comments roll off. Recognize that for what it is, another attempt at manipulation by guilting you into giving them money. If they start verbally abusing you, get up and leave. If they are at your house, tell them they have to leave and they cannot return until they can be calm and civil. They do not have any right to abuse you in your own home.

Whatever they say, turn it back on them politely.

If your partner is becoming verbally abusive because you won't give him your money, I'm sorry to say it but you may need to reevaluate the worth of that relationship. Maybe a good, calm sit-down with him to explain how it makes you feel when you're surrounded by pressure to give all of them the money you need to support yourself and he piles on top of the rest of your family with his own demands would help. If he cares about you, that should make him think twice. If it doesn't, it's better to know now and get out of the relationship, rather than waste more time. I hope it all works out though.

I know you care about all of them. If you do feel you need to help them, then make out a budget that includes money for them on a routine basis. Take care of your own expenses first including savings, emergency fund, etc. Then tell them you can give them $20 every two weeks or whatever works FOR YOU, and make it clear that's it. If they come around wanting more, then just say you've given what you budgeted for and all the rest of your money is spoken for.

If there are drugs, alcohol, gambling, or other addictions involved, don't give them a dime. Never give an addict money, or anything that can easily be turned into money. You might as well flush it down the toilet. In fact, it would be better to flush it.

If their friends are dumb enough to give them money, then let them. They'll figure out, like you have, that their sob stories have no substance.

Harsh, I know. But having BTDT, it makes me mad when people take advantage of others when they could be taking care of themselves.

Don't feel guilty. You're not guilty of anything except common sense.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
380 Posts
I want to say this very gently because you're already hurting. The gifts of money you gave to your family members did not help them. It only prevented them from dealing with their own financial situation. This was their choice. If it was helpful, you would have seen evidence of improvement.

The reason they are laying the guilt trip on you is that they are terrified of having to look to themselves for solutions to their problems. Cutting off the cash flow is helping them. In fact it's the most loving thing you can do for them.

Depending on others for cash becomes an addiction. And when an addict is "cut off" they lash out in very ugly ways. But, really, cutting them off is best in the long run.

You clearly are a kind, loving, caring daughter, sister, step daughter, etc. Do not accept their paniced words about you as truth.

I would encourage you to spend time with people who are financially and emotionally healthy who can support you in your brave but necessary decision.

Kind regards,

Sally
 
  • Like
Reactions: bee9984

·
Registered
Joined
·
218 Posts
I feel so Down :( and I am actually worried. I posted in the Debt reduction and Money Management Forum about how I have been tracking my spending etc....I did this to myself, I realize this and have come to the realization that I have to take control and be held accountable for my own behavior and as I mentioned before, there is no debt fairy who is going to come along and save me. The problem is that most of my money that I have been spending I have been trying to help my brother and his family, my parents and my significant other. Since I stopped handing out money to help my family I have been called "mean" by my significant other (who by the way still brings in more money than me), had a text from my sister in law twice and a phone call for money, had my mother tell me that when she was on life support last year and the dr.s wanted to let her go that maybe they should have (because of poor money management she was depressed when she said this to me) but I told the dr to keep trying when he asked me to let her go peacefully.....and tonight my stepfather told me that his nerves are shot because of money! I have been told that I handle money poorly that is why I have no extra money (ok, I agree with that but only because I Give, Give, and Give!) I am scared that my mother and stepfather are going to do something horrible to themselves from being depressed about money but I tried twice to help them and spent hundreds of $ over the past two years to help them...no, longer then that. I am all of the sudden the bad guy. I had moved away for 20 years and when I moved back 5 years ago is when this all started....Eg: I would be at work and my stepfather would come to my job and ask me if I had money to loan them....I paid them my rent on time to them( $400 a month while I lived with them while my brother paid nothing and they had a border along with their pensions). I just want to cry cry cry! I don't mind going through my cupboards to give them food but actual cash? No, I can't do that anymore but the guilt is so overwhelming! they are back to borrowing from their friends and going to the cash store. They had asked me to help them with their money situation (my parents) and I had them 2 times up to par and then once they were there they wanted their bank cards etc back (they had given them to me so they wouldn't be tempted to use them) I can't do this anymore but I am scared that I am going to loose them...any Prayers would be Greatly appreciated....Thanks to Everyone in Advance.
I don't have a lot to add to what has already been said here, but I think that in this situation you would also do more harm than good by handing over any more money. Look at it this way - you are probably helping them more by not giving them cash...they have to learn to stand on their own feet. Maybe write them a letter, explaining how you feel and be clear that discussion is closed on the subject (if that is how you feel).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
857 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
frugalwarrior2;4112043417 I would get a Dave Ramsey course as a Christmas gift for yourself and see if BF will go w/ you. And I would buy one for bro and SIL too. If they refuse said:
I actually have a couple of Dave Ramsey books and have loaned one to my brother and his wife...he read it, she hasn't but when I mentioned this to her a couple of weeks ago she said that yes, she intends on reading it...I loaned it to them last year. :( . Would I be able to get them the Dave Ramsey course for them to do online? I don't even know if she would be interested in that in all honesty but I could ask her. We live in very small towns in Canada. The BF actually isn't so bad except for calling me mean once when I finally started sticking to my guns, We have tried combining our income as one but it just was not working...I would get stressed because there was no zero budgeting etc....I never knew how much of his money was going where so I pay the mortgage, weekly accelerated and he pays for the hydro, phone etc which balances out in the long run.

Spirit Deer, the next time my mom mentions to me about giving up etc I will tell her that I am going to call the suicide hotline and see about getting her help...maybe this will make her think about what she is doing/saying and how it effects me.

My parents have never handled their finances very well, my mother has never in her life had a budget and does not seem to want one now. I don't think that they would qualify for assistance regarding money but they do have home care going in to help with light house keeping duties and I do their laundry for them.

You all have helped me so much, I do not know how to do multiple quotes on here but really, so many of you are helping me to realize this is not my fault with how they all handle their money, I really do need to take care of my finances.....I messed up with my finances when I was younger and it is so important to me to take care of me in that aspect and I should not feel guilty for doing so.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,280 Posts
I agree with the other posters:
1.) Don't give them money
2.) Don't let them guilt trip you into feeling bad about making them own up to their money situation
3.) Stand up to them...stand up to your SO...stand up for yourself!! You are worth it!!
I had to stand up against my family as they expected me to loan them money although they choose to make very foolish money decisions..and continue to do so...but it was bar none the BEST thing I have done in a LONG time!!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
19,540 Posts
Bee, I'm so glad to hear your SO's comments were relatively minor. I hope you can have a good talk with him about how much you need his support right now with all that's going on with your extended family.

Budgets don't allow people to be in denial. It's like counting calories on paper. Then it's not so handy to lie to yourself about where the problems really are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,930 Posts
Bee-no classes actually in your area which is unfortunate because my DH really clicked going to classes and watching his funny lectures. It was like a social event in ways.
DaveRamsey.com is a good place to poke around about online. Cuz.IDK. It really did change our world.

Dmom has never done a budget and says they are stupid. She mocked me when I suggested it. I love her but its like dealing w/ a child. She couldnt even tell me if she lives off SSI alone or needs the stock dividend checks too. I only thank God she isnt a spender.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
541 Posts
I heard a "saying" once and it went something like this: "You can't help someone else until you help yourself first". I truly believe this. My daughter tries to help everyone...she works 7 days a week at minimum wage...supposed to get child support & never does, but no one goes to jail...so I repeat this quote to her all the time. I've asked her: "If you're helping someone else & then I have to help you, just who am I supporting?" She is getting better about telling people she is broke. I kinda know where you're coming from.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,163 Posts
So many wise things already said here I don't have much to add, just *hugs*. Maybe gently say that in order to help anyone you have to help yourself first. And by 'helping' them in the future, sticking to your guns now is really helping them, and YOU.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
51 Posts
Spirit Deer and SallyC said everything I could think of. Reread their comments (possibly print them off and put on frig.) often to help you rewire your thought processes. Good luck and I will be sending you good thoughts.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top