[della92]

Just warning ya-this will probably be long because I will provide some background info.

My fil became disabled probably 6-7 years ago and they have had money issues ever since. I live beside them in a house that my husband and I built, we purchased the land from them before he became disabled in 1995. We only paid $1500 for 1 acre plus Jamie (my dh) worked for his dad in exchange (In our area that was a fair price then).

During the past years we have helped along, paying for propane, car insurance, taxes, extra money here & there. Lots of little things, some big things. Jamie's sister B, has also contributed in the same way. The other sister C & the other brother B has not, they are takers not givers.

A couple years ago, before the medical bills got too bad my fil decided to give Sister B his house (that was paid for). My fil & mil do have lifetime rights to stay there. Last August we bought the house from Sister B for $35,000. We share a driveway and a well (which is included in the deed to our house) so we thought it would be a good idea, especially since it is right next door and should something happen to my in-laws, I'd like to have a say as to who can live there. Another factor in deciding to buy it was that the house is needing major repairs and Jamie has spent his time and money repairing things.

In October 2006, we paid their pers. prop tax of $300.00, we bought tires for their truck $450.00, in November we paid $90.00 for the propane fill up (only used for cook stove), we replaced the fil bedroom floor $300.00 because fil is in a wheelchair and it was hard to manuever(sp?), not to mention little things like getting extra bread, milk, and pop for them. Also, mil babysits my dd. We pay $40.00 per week, year round, even when dd is in school and mil does not watch her. Before dd started school full time at 4 yrs old, we paid 60.00 per week. I have never missed a weeks payment. They would be really broke without it.

So to my main point:
In October we found out that Jamie's brother was moving in with m&fil. I tried to stop it but could do nothing. He is a bad alcoholic. To my amazement, he stayed alcohol free from Oct to April. But now he is drinking again. He has been known to have a violent temper, as of yet, he has not shown it. I have seen him be disrespectful to his mom (but she lets him, so nothing I can do there) but not yet violent.

It is summer, so my dd is at home all day with them, I worry that the brother will get drunk and something wont go his way and he will get violent. My husband doesn't think he would hurt his mom or my dd. I don't know, but I do know that the brother used to beat on his previous girlfriends. The brother is one of those people that thinks everyone owes him something. He is 40+ and has never had a full time job for more than a month or two. Anyway, I could put my dd at the YMCA, but it would be 50.00 per week and I would not be able to pay mil too.

M&fil asked us to buy their propane again and we told them that we didn't have the money because we are mad and annoyed that the brother is living there rent free, does nothing and they cook and clean for him, yet we are the always the ones expected to provide help. Technically, I could afford to buy the propane, but with the extra house payment and everything going up, my budget is really tight. I am trying to put aside all extra money in savings because we both work in the building industry.

I am really annoyed with my in-laws, to the point that if I thought I could sell my house I would. to move away. My in-laws are good and caring people, they are just crazy sometimes. I have had minor disagreements with them in the past, but for the most part I have really liked being apart of their family.

So I am putting all of this out there because the stress is killing me. I don't want to be the provider for everybody any more! I would like to take care of just my daughter, my husband, and myself. Sometimes I feel guilty for this and sometimes I just don't care! Have you ever had someone ask you for something, without coming right out and asking. Well they are experts at it! So my first reaction these days is anger and then after thinking about it for a while I start to feel sorry for them and then I get angry again. I have always been a happy person so I don' t like this at all!

Any advice would be great, tough love or not!

Thanks for being patient and reading it all!

 

[itsahumanzoo]

I don't have any advice, just hugs! I hope that things work out for you. :hugz:

 

[Greebo]

M&fil asked us to buy their propane again and we told them that we didn't have the money because we are mad and annoyed that the brother is living there rent free, does nothing and they cook and clean for him, yet we are the always the ones expected to provide help. Technically, I could afford to buy the propane, but with the extra house payment and everything going up, my budget is really tight. I am trying to put aside all extra money in savings because we both work in the building industry.

You told them, "we don't have the money", because --- or "we don't have the money because ..." ?

Your In laws deserve to know why you're upset.

And you have EVERY reason to be upset with them.

But if you aren't honest with them about your concerns, you aren't being fair to them.

 

[janelane]

Am I understanding correctly, that you now own the house the in laws live? If this is the case, then this:

Have you talked to the mooch yourselves? Sounds like it's time for your DH to lay down the law. "My house, my rules" and whatnot. Sounds like the in laws are beyond being able to handle him.

Good luck with it all. *hugs*

 

[della92]

Greebo,

Yes & No. We have discussed with them (before the brother moved in and after the brother would not get a real job) that we are not willing to help him anymore, and if that means helping you to help him, we will not be able to help you either. We have also explained that since we have this extra payment that we do not have the money we once did. I don't think they believe us though!

The no part, that particular instance I did not restate my feelings, I took the easy out.

 

[Persimmon Lace]

I agree with telling them the truth.

We do not help dh's mom at all with the home she lives in as his oldest brother is now the owner of record and she lives there. Before we knew she had deeded him the house we paid their 300.00 gas bill, that was for one month. When I went over to get the bill, dh's brother was sitting on the couch in pants, no shirt and no shoes or socks or slippers! Just like their dad would do!unch: So after I got back from paying the bill I called my mil and told her that bil needed to put some clothes on and I would not be paying another bill for them unless that happened. He was going to school at the time and we wanted to help. After I told dh about it he was about livid! His dad used say, "well a man shouldn't have to wear a coat in his house to stay warm!" And that is exactly what his brother said when dh called him, well, maybe not a coat but at least a decent amount to stay warm! Geeeezzzzz!

So they now know what we will do and what we won't do. I will have to say that bil is doing much better about everything. Always be honest with people especially in situations like this.

Something like "our agreement was to help you and fil out not bil so he'll be needing to get a job and paying bills around here". No need to elaborate or be critical of bil just the truth with nothing added.

 

[Greebo]

Greebo,

Yes & No. We have discussed with them (before the brother moved in and after the brother would not get a real job) that we are not willing to help him anymore, and if that means helping you to help him, we will not be able to help you either. We have also explained that since we have this extra payment that we do not have the money we once did. I don't think they believe us though!

The no part, that particular instance I did not restate my feelings, I took the easy out.

Ok, you told em. You told em once. You don't need to tell em again. Good nuff fer me.

 

[della92]

janelane:

we do own the house, however the in-laws have lifetime rights, which also means that they can have whoever they want to live with them. I can not make him move.

My husband has talked with him and he says "I am going to do this and this" but nothing gets done.

Another example of the ongoing drama:
The brother was hired to take care of fil, through medicare I guess, fil complained to us that he wasn't doing his job, that fil sat on toilet for 1+ hour and couldn't get brother to help. We told fil to call hiring agency or we would. Fil did. Mil was extremely mad at all of us and we are still on shaky terms. However, he has been given another chance by them and the agency.

 

[itsahumanzoo]

Ok, that is just awful that he would let his own father sit by himself on the toilet for over an hour! What if something happened to him? I would not have given him a second chance. Is there some kind of protective services for the elderly or disabled? I would have called them! That is neglect no matter how you look at it.

 

[FrugalMomof3]

I agree with itsahumanzoo above me! First off.... you need to tell mil/fil to keep the moocher out to the curb... and as long as bil is there you can no longer help them BUT you must stick to this!

No matter how hard it is you cannot help them, you have to stick to your word, if you do help them and bil is still there, then you asked for this headache.

Make sure your DH is totally on board with your decision to NOT help as long as bil is there.... 2ndly I dont understand why someone (you) hasnt called protective services on him, I mean YES he's your bil but he's an uncaring @ss if you ask me and just thinks about himself.... 3rdly if he is getting paid to take care of your fil by the state/medicare he can purchase the propane!

 

[leezza]

Della,

First off sorry about this drama............

*Put your child in the YMCA daycare, do not take any chances and tell MIL/FIL why and that you will not be able to give them any money either.....(better safe than sorry).

*It's nice to help family but you are having to put MIL/FIL/BIL before things for your own family and that is not right. You have to take care of your direct family first.

*FIL needs someone who is trained to help him, MIL will just have to be mad..........so what.......his safety and welfare is what is important, (not the BIL).

Good Luck to you.

JMHO,
leezza

 

[cissylu]

Della hug`s to you, I agree with every one else.

 

[Marie78]

(Hugs) I am sorry you are going through this. My father went through this same kind of thing for years. My grandparents passed away last year and my father was always giving them money to pay for the upkeep of their house, groceries, bills, etc.... They also had a moocher (my cousin) Almost 40 years old and living with his mom and dad, and his own mom and dad wouldn't give him money, because he should be able to work for it at this point in his life. My grandparents would give my cousin money (any little extra they had and it was very little). My father caught on to where his money was really going and then would only pay the bills they needed help with directly (stove repair, electric bill) or buy them a meal and bring it over for them. My dad refused to pay a $400 phone bill that my cousin ran up, so my grandparent's phone was turned off for a long time. It's so hard to have a moocher around in the family, especially one that takes and takes, but gives so little back in return.

I don't have an easy answer, sadly my grandparens have passed away and now my cousin's mother (my dad's sister asks to borrow money from him). It's obvious now that my grandparents had a lot of moochers with their hands out for money they didn't have to give. My dad will lend my aunt the money, but told me if she ever doesn't pay him back in the agreed upon time frame then he will no longer loan her any money. I feel bad for my dad, but I know that a huge financial burden was lifted from his shoulders when my grandparents passed away and it's sad that it had come to that point.

I hope you can resolve some of the issues in your own family. You don't deserve the stress of financially supporting your mil and fil. It's not fair to you and your family. My thoughts are with you, I know you have some difficult choices to make. My father was always guilted by his family or his own feelings into helping them in some way financially.

 

[della92]

Thanks for listening!

Yesterday when I got home, my husband & fil were in the yard talking. Fil called the agency again and the brother has now been fired, he packed his clothes and left yesterday-so we shall see what happens from here. I was amazed that something, anything was finally done, it's been too long. He is suppose to get a new caregiver on Tuesday.

My husband and I agree on everything, except the care of our dd. I do trust mil completely with her, I just don't trust the brother. But hopefully he is gone for good and I won't have to worry about that.

I look forward to enjoying the rest of the summer without the drama, well at least without as much drama.

My husband and I have talked about just paying their bills directly because the mil cannot say no and will give away any money she has, even if it means not paying a bill. But we will give it a bit of time and go from there.

Thank you again, I really just needed a place to vent!

 

[Persimmon Lace]

That's what we have always done with my mil, we pay the bill directly so we know it's getting paid. We give her blow money for her bd and Christmas so she can do whatever she wants.

 

[ktsmama]

Glad BIL has moved out. I hope things continue to stay drama free for you. **Crossing Fingers**

 

[rainbowgc]

Maybe you should ask is you can help with their budget with the intent on finding out what their real needs are. Then sign them up for every agency that can help them. Second, if you can, take over the bill paying on the condition if you don't no more $. The Golden rule so to speak. Really, because it is difficult to say no for real needs, you should have a better handle on what their real needs are.

 

[missmanny]

It's so hard when you have family members in need and you love them so much, good on you for helping them out so much, many DIL's wouldn't do this at all.

I think that you have done the right thing, and luckily it appears that BIL is gone (well at least for a little while)

I have a drug addicted uncle that mooches of my gran parents anytime that things get rough for him, he decides to get sober so they help him and look after him when he gets on his feet and then once he takes up the drugs again they kick him out and don't see him again until next time he is in the wars and decides to quit. This must have happened at least 20 times in the last ten years.

The know that he will break their heart again (and cost the a fortune) but they just can't say no to him because I assume that they feel that they are responsisble and theat the didn't raie him properly.

Its sad, we don't tell them what to do anymore because it just causes problems, but we all stay away from him because he couses problems, so while he is there they get ophone calls instead of visits.

 

[jas]

Taking care of your in-law is the right thing to do and you should be commended for doing such a good job. Like others have said pay the bills that you agree to yourself that way at least the basics are covered and you know where the money went. It is not your responsability to take care of all the freeloaders in the family though, your conscience should be clear about that.

Sorry to hear about the bumps in road that you have had to go through. Glad that it seems at the moment to have lessened.
Your in-laws are blessed to have the two of you looking out for them and have their best interst in mind.

 

[della92]

Well as an update, my BIL moved in with a neighbor a few houses down. He is still getting money from my MIL and has even asked too.

My FIL was hospitalized early Monday morning. My MIL has been at the hospital from early morning to night the last two days, as well as today. I believe my FIL will recover. However we noticed yesterday that the BIL is hanging out at their house during the day. Yesterday evening the BIL stopped at our house, very drunk, and fussing over some girl that has been riding with him. He said he wanted to talk with me-so I let him know (again for the second time in two weeks) what I thought and felt. Some of my words were not nice and then after I got the anger out I tried to explain to him that he has a serious drinking problem, and I wanted to know where he thinks he will be at when he is 60? He has no answers, I felt like he understood where I was coming from during our conversation, but on the other hand part of me is worried that he will get plastered drunk and blame me for all of the problems. He did NOT threaten me in any way, but he is not a happy drunk also my husband stayed in between the sofa he was on and the side I was on. Part of it maybe just paranoia (I watch way too much Court TV). This morning, my dd and I left at the same time my husband goes to work, (we usually leave 45 minutes to an hour after him) just because I didn't want to be alone at the house.