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We all tell ourselves lies, about ourselves. I cringed when I first thought about it. But we all do it. Tell ourselves things about ourselves that aren’t true.

You know the voice that says, ‘I’m insecure’ or ‘I don’t know how to handle money’ or ‘I’m no good at making friends’ or ‘I’ll never be successful’ or ‘I’m a loser.’ We make up lies about ourselves and the problem is those thoughts – lies – keep us stuck.

What is the lie you’re telling yourself? And why is it devastating to your life?


What if Hilary Swank had told herself she couldn’t act? What if she had told herself she was a loser after getting fired from the TV show 90210. Hilary Swank is a high school dropout and considered to be the best actress ever by Clint Eastwood. What if instead of following her dream she had listened to lies?

She got the part for the movie ‘Boys Don’t Cry Oscar’ and won an Oscar after getting fired from 90210. If you’ve seen her in ‘Million Dollar Baby’ you know she’s done it again – listened to her heart not to any lies.


I’m coaching a wonderful 45-year-old woman – Helen - who told me and herself that she was dependent and needed others to take care of her. Now when I listen to her and connect with her I don’t pick up dependent.

I feel and hear the strength in her that she has forgotten is there.

And Helen wanted to travel, take workshops, cooking classes, maybe even move to another city. But she was afraid to do those things on her own.

So as we explored this story / lie she began to realize that the story of being dependent came from her mother who was very domineering and wanted to control Helen. She managed to do just that, and Helen let her.

So let’s look in more detail at what happened and how Helen dealt with it.

Her mother had been controlling and told Helen she couldn’t do anything on her own. She criticized and judged her; told her she was incompetent, lazy and stupid and could never amount to anything. She better stick around and let her mother take care of her, otherwise she would need to marry a man to take care of her.

So Helen remained ‘dependent’ on her mother. She began to believe the lies her mother told her and eventually told herself the same lie – ‘I’m dependent.’ ‘I’m not like other people, I can’t do things on my own.’ Like take a vacation alone, or go to a workshop in another city, much less live in another city.

After her mother died, Helen married a man who treated her just like her mother. He really eroded her self-confidence. Even though she eventually divorced him she still didn’t believe she could be independent.

Whenever she wanted to do something for herself, the ‘lie’ – ‘I’m dependent’ would come up and keep her from doing what she wanted to do.

In order to get her unstuck, we revealed the lie and looked at all the times and things she had done in her life that indicated she wasn’t dependent on others.

After all, she had divorced her husband, gone to college and lived on campus. She had changed jobs several times to move up and she was smart.

There were many examples. She just didn’t acknowledge them because she was looking at everything from the perspective of ‘I’m dependent.’

Once she realized she had done things that a truly dependent woman wouldn’t have done, she changed her perspective from ‘I’m dependent’ to ‘I’m independent and I can make it on my own and it’s okay, even healthy, to ask friends for help when necessary.’


Is it: ‘I’ll never get married’ or ‘I’ll never be happy’ or ‘I’ll never be able to buy a house in California’ or ‘I’m not good enough to get hired for a job I really want?’

Whatever your dream is, if you aren’t living it, check in with yourself and see if you are telling yourself a lie that is blocking you and keeping you stuck.

Do you want a new career, a new relationship, a better paying job, a different job with fun people, a new wardrobe or to go on an exotic vacation?

If you aren’t actively working towards something meaningful, you might be telling yourself a lie that is keeping you from having that in your life.


So the first step is to uncover your story / lie. Once you’ve done that, look at the negative statement underneath the story. That’s the lie. Then admit that it’s a lie.

Someone may have told you that lie, or you may have formed it to protect yourself, or to keep yourself from taking a risk. It can help to know the reason and right now we are focusing on the actual lie.

Once you’ve uncovered the lie, look to see a new perspective you can choose to stand in.

What would God say about you, what would your angels say, or your best friend, or a loving grandmother or grandfather?

Choose their perspective and stand in that perspective. Throw the lie out.

God, Source, Spirit whatever you want to call the divine, didn’t create an imperfect, flawed human being. We create that with our lies.

You are a child of God, Spirit, Source and that makes you perfect, connected and loved.

So give that love back to yourself. Get up and take an action step toward having what you want. And when, and if, the lie pops up again tell it to get lost. It’s just a lie. It’s not the truth. You are a precious child of the divine. That’s the truth.

Get moving!

Imagine the possibilities...

© Carol C. Chanel,
2005 Certified Life Coach


Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who works with clients by phone, from all over the world, to help them get UNSTUCK, have healthy relationships, improve their love lives and feel great about themselves.

You can contact her at:
mailto:[email protected] 310-998-8860
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