[jas]

This has really been a different week-end. My brother asked to use my car to pick a woman up from the airport who was comming from China. Her son and his girlfriend were also arriving on a different flight. The son and his girlfriend go to school In Iowa. Dh and I didn't let my brother us the car, but we ended up taking him to the airport to get them.

The son and girlfriend speak english really well, the mother does not. All through the time we spent with them there were clues dropped by the son that this meeting of his mom and my brother was about possible marriage. This was all news to dh and I. As my brother is really good and just dropping a bombshell on you with no warning.

Here is my dilema. My brother is NO catch for any woman. He can play nice for a little bit, but then his real personality comes out and he is irresponsable, selfish, broke, ect. By the way he is in his early 60's. He lives in a run down moble home. I am not knocking moble homes by no means some are quite nice. His is not. Smells like mold, looks gross, roaches everywhere. Which I think he thinks is normal for living in Florida. Yes we have big palmetto bugs that are gross, but they don't live in your house. He has the little german cockroaches that are from being dirty and filthy. He has mice that he has punched holes in walls to get rid of. This place is really ready for a match if you know what I mean. Only worth the aluminium it is made of.

My brother did not have food in the house for these people, no car to take them to get any. So I went over to take them to see the beach, out to eat ect. My brother was just like I don't know, when I asked how they were going to eat if he didn't have any food for them or a car to take them anywhere. These are, at least from first meeting them really sweet people. I don't even know how they spent the night there. The mother, the woman my brother is interested in is in her early 50's and nice looking, she is also diabetic. So this morning he called me and I asked if she had eaten anything. And he was like she eats whole milk, eggs and bread, Do you have any over at your house? I said no. He was going to have to go to 7-11 to get it himself.

He called later and asked me to take her to an asian market to get some rice and stuff fot her to eat. No problem, I can't talk to her she can't talk to me. We get there and thank goodness the man at the store spoke Chinese. I am pushing the cart around and she is putting stuff in. We get to the counter and he rings it up and he tells her how much it is and she tells him she does not have money with her that my brother is going to pay for it. Well he is not with us (how convient) So I end up paying for it. 52.00 the man then tells me she wants to go to Walmart to buy a rice steamer and some veggies and meat. Okay, this is going to be on me also. Ends up beign another 63.00. He has run my husbands whole tank of gas out from the two trips to the airport. Once for the son and girlfiend and once for the woman. The airport tis 45 minutes away. He gave dh 3.00 towards the 13.00 parking cost. Did not offer for tolls on the second trip.

I told him he better square up with for the food money and stuff. He asked how much and I told him the food was 110.00 and his eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped. Don't get me wrong he probably did tell her he would pay he just didn't go with her because he was broke he asked me to go. NO heads up can I borrow some money for food. she is diabetic has to each and he didn't have anything!!! Nope just let me stand there holding the bags.

She is not blind and can see by the shape of db's trailer that he is not rich. He is playing all lovey dovey with her, he can only play this for so long and his true personality will come out.

He can be verbally abusive, mean, lazy ect. How much can getting hooked up with a broke american guy mean to someone trying to get to stay here? How bad is it in China for women? Anyone know? There is the possibility that she would just marry him and split. He will show is self soon I am sure and she will for sure want to leave.

How much do we tell her? I have dropped hints to the son tying to send up little red flags. I just don't know if it matters to them or not. One of my other brothers is like tell the lady now and save her the heartache latter. The other is of the mind let them both deal with it themselves they are grown ups. Maybe they are both using each other. It is such a hard concept to grasp since that is not the normal way to do things. Another thing is it just makes me sick to think he would pick an asian woman and then with some idea that she will be like a servant to him with cooking, cleaning, and sex. My stomach gets in knots thinking about it. Could she be that desparate?

Any insights on this would help. I don't begrudge my brother or her for wanting a spouse, but he has shown he does not do what it takes to have healthy long term relationships. And this woman could be in for a heartbreak.

What is it like in China that she would want an american?

TIA

 

[Contrary Housewife]

Some parts of China are very poor, people still live in huts, off the land, pretty much from hand to mouth. Some parts, in the cities are as slick and modern as any urban area on the planet.

Who paid for this woman's plane fare? That's not cheap. I'm guessing it was not your brother. Someone had the money to send her over here, how much family does she have?

Personally, I would try and find an interpreter, and talk with her. Tell her you like her, but your brother has nothing to offer her and you cannot afford to support the two of them if she chooses to stay with him.

 

[jas]

I am guessing she paid for the ticket herself. I don't really get the impression she is poor. She flew to Iowa first and stayed a month with her son. The to NYC to stay in Chinatown with a friend. I asked her son how long she was staying in America and he said she was on a six month visitor visa or unless she got married she could stay well forever. She may have bucket loads of money she seems to be educated and did have some sort of graphic design business at one time. Or so I am told. She get some pension of some sort. How much I don't know. This could be good for my brother NO GOOd for her. He would be like fork it over and I married you, you owe me. I could just see it!

Also the son and girlfriend flew here for one day to check my brother out. That is not cheap either. I don't know where the money comes from. I just know for sure it is not from my brother.

 

[jas]

She does have this really neat gizmo that does translation really well. It does take time, but let you communicate. I do have the sons cell number and the girlfriends e-mail and did write with some questions. No word back yet.

 

[Ceashels]

wow. I can't really wrap my brain around that situation either. I can certainly understand the hook up as a way to stay... but it sounds like she could do better and perhaps hopes to in the 6 months of her visa.

I don't know how involved I would want to get in that situation either. I would certainly let it be known that you and your husband is not willing to support them and that you are owed by your brother for the items you have already purchased. I can see why you would want to save this woman from making a possible horrific mistake. Perhaps asking them what they know of your brother may be an opening to a conversation.

hugs.

 

[jas]

I is a stressful situation to be in.

 

[Libby]

He can be verbally abusive, mean, lazy ect. How much can getting hooked up with a broke american guy mean to someone trying to get to stay here? How bad is it in China for women? Anyone know? There is the possibility that she would just marry him and split. He will show is self soon I am sure and she will for sure want to leave.

I think he sought after a woman who was able to care for herself and mixed it up with the fantasy of Asian women being submissive and ony speak when spoken to. I wonder how he met her - on the internet? If he lied to her, she'll see that clearly and what she got herself into. If its a mail order bride situation as you've titled the thread - where did HE the get the money?! He'd have to pay for her to go to the US along with visas and whatnot. I think how they met is a key factor in this.

As for the kids coming to check your bro out - very wise. I think this was a take a chance type meeting. I mean she has family here, her son in Iowa and friend in NYC. She does have a place to go if she needs to. I'd keep an open dialogue going with the son/gf and see if you can learn more about her. Maybe the moms intention is to marry to get a green card to get out of China. Maybe your bro said the right things to her to lure her over. Don't forget (this is not a kick at America) all the movies show America as the be all and end all place to live. America is the land of opportunities and those that take the right ones proper from it. She has a vision of 'a better life' in the USA vs where she is in China.

It definitely is not cheap to fly over but this could be seen as a vacation as well and possibly with benefits. Hard to judge b/c we're not in their shoes right? I think this was a internet chat meeting type of situation and they've chatted enough to want to meet and see where things go. (hence the talk of marriage?)

China is still a very poor country but they're totally happy living on less. If you don't live in the big city you're in the country and then you have to work the land and walk everywhere. What we deem as poverty - they see as having the big 6 car garage mansion. Its all perspective.

 

[frugalfoster]

All I can add is YIKES!!!!! LOL

 

[frugalwarrior2]

Not to belittle your situation but didn't I just see this special on tv. The first guy was verbally abusive then she took up w/ the producer. Third she placed another ad and went after an older man. She didn't turn out so innocent in the documentary.
Maybe this is different but I gotta say I would stay out of it. Otherwise it could cost you a fortune. Best of luck.

 

[jas]

I think he sought after a woman who was able to care for herself and mixed it up with the fantasy of Asian women being submissive and ony speak when spoken to. I wonder how he met her - on the internet? If he lied to her, she'll see that clearly and what she got herself into. If its a mail order bride situation as you've titled the thread - where did HE the get the money?! He'd have to pay for her to go to the US along with visas and whatnot. I think how they met is a key factor in this.

As for the kids coming to check your bro out - very wise. I think this was a take a chance type meeting. I mean she has family here, her son in Iowa and friend in NYC. She does have a place to go if she needs to. I'd keep an open dialogue going with the son/gf and see if you can learn more about her. Maybe the moms intention is to marry to get a green card to get out of China. Maybe your bro said the right things to her to lure her over. Don't forget (this is not a kick at America) all the movies show America as the be all and end all place to live. America is the land of opportunities and those that take the right ones proper from it. She has a vision of 'a better life' in the USA vs where she is in China.

It definitely is not cheap to fly over but this could be seen as a vacation as well and possibly with benefits. Hard to judge b/c we're not in their shoes right? I think this was a internet chat meeting type of situation and they've chatted enough to want to meet and see where things go. (hence the talk of marriage?)

China is still a very poor country but they're totally happy living on less. If you don't live in the big city you're in the country and then you have to work the land and walk everywhere. What we deem as poverty - they see as having the big 6 car garage mansion. Its all perspective.

Maybe mail-order-bride is not exacty the right term for it. They did meet through a website for men to meet Asian women for friendship and possible marriage. He didn't pay for her to come here that was on her own. From what I understand he didn't lie to her and say he had money or anything.

The part that really has me in knots is just say for whatever reason she wants my brother, love, to be able to stay in America whatever. He can put up a nice fun front, even being broke, which is not a crime for sure, it is the fact that he can only keep it up for so long then he will be not a very nice guy, He will argue, belittle, and be just plain uncaring and not think twice about it. When he drinks he gets mouthy. Probably smokes dope. I just don't see that as being a topic on her little translator thing. Hey will it bother you if I get high? What if I get drunk? Treat you like a doormat? Is all this cool with you? I see that you really like my sister and my brother in law, but I am nothing like them, after a few months I will treat you like crap. Won't have enough money for food, or gas, forget about going out and doing things. Not gonna happen.

Shheesh I don't even want to answer the phone to him. Well only to get my money back.

Part of me wants to tell her to run like the wind and the other part is like they are adults and can do and take any risks, from both sides, that they want to.

What if she is the woman who will change his life? I guess it could happen. I just don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do or can men really change thier spots for that one special woman????? When for 62 years you have been an ass? He will even laugh and say if there is hard way to do something that is way he always chooses. Even when the easy way is right in front of him. That is hard living especially in a marriage.

In his first marriage when he was going through the divorce he was so mad he was like "This is nothing that a bullet couldn't take care of." Good thing he was in Florida and she was in Virginia.

Thanks for letting me vent and throw out possible senarios out there. Since even asking my brother straight out he is not known for being truthful. So even if I ask I don't know if I am getting the truth. I have been burned so many times by him. Once he told me that if the house was on fire and if he could only save me or his dog he would choose his dog. That really gave me the warn fuzzies.

 

[jas]

Not to belittle your situation but didn't I just see this special on tv. The first guy was verbally abusive then she took up w/ the producer. Third she placed another ad and went after an older man. She didn't turn out so innocent in the documentary.
Maybe this is different but I gotta say I would stay out of it. Otherwise it could cost you a fortune. Best of luck.

This situation could be just about anything really!!! I like my life simple, honest, stress free. I am a planner. This is just so difficult to wrap my head around.

She for sure could have some motive in mind. Am not going to cross that off the list either.

 

[mauimagic]

What a rotten situation for everyone. Best to get your money from your brother and keep to yourself - they are both adults - not to sound mean, but you have already done more that enough.

 

[LynnLC]

In his first marriage when he was going through the divorce he was so mad he was like "This is nothing that a bullet couldn't take care of." Good thing he was in Florida and she was in Virginia.

That would seal the deal for me. I'd tell her in a heartbeat.

 

[AnW819]

Wow...what a situation to be in!! Hugs Jas! And sorry about the $110!!!

Is she submissive to him? This could be some type of dominant/submissive (bdsm?) relationship...you said he is not very nice and to me sounds very dominant...some men are like that to woman because they like being dominant.

Probably crazy....but hey...it could happen? And if she has the money to fly that many times to the US...she has GOT to have money.

Hmm...I just don't know?

 

[Nana2two]

I don't think she will stay around. Chances are its one of those if and when you get a chance to come over to the U.S lets meet and see what happens.Since her son living in Iowa and a friend in NYC.She thought what do i have to lose. I'm sure she has spoken to many U.S men, Maybe she has been to the U.S many times. My husbands stepbrother met a russian girl a few years ago going through a agency. He paid around $20,000 all together between phone calls,internet service, plane ticket to fly there to see her 2x's in a 6 month period. Cost him a flight for her to come here. They got married, 2 months later she left and went back to Russia.She took $6,000 out of the checking, filed for divorce and left. So that $6,000 is alot of money to them over there. Come to find out she had done this several times. She was married and her husband knew of it but was making good money off the American men.

 

[Libby]

jas - I think you should make it very clear to your brother that you WILL NOT fork out anymore money for him nor his guest. As long as you make that clear: he got her here on his own, its now up to him to keep her there. You may want to visit (to check on her) but thats it. He is not allowed to ask/expect anything from you. Just put it out there so he knows that when he asks you later on down the road you can say 'remember that convo just after she got here?'

Chances are if your brother truly shows himself to her and she's accepting of it....then they'll both be happy. Who knows...she could be the one to turn him around. Maybe he's met his match? If she's truly old school Chinese (which it kinda sounds like) honour is a big thing and if he lets her down - he's gonna get the tongue lashing of his life and made to feel very ashamed. And then she may leave him.

Cover yer butt and let time play things out. *hugs*

 

[HandyMom]

I agree with Maui!!! Let us know what happened.

 

[Darlene]

No more money, for anything. The sooner the guests see that your brother is a loser the better. They will find their way and I hope it's far away from him.
Sorry he's like he is Jas.:hugz: After this I'd "divorce" your brother, too much drama there. He knows that if he calls on you he will get something from you, maybe not all he wanted but still he'll draw you in somehow. Let him go for the good of you and your family.

 

[jas]

jas - I think you should make it very clear to your brother that you WILL NOT fork out anymore money for him nor his guest. As long as you make that clear: he got her here on his own, its now up to him to keep her there. You may want to visit (to check on her) but thats it. He is not allowed to ask/expect anything from you. Just put it out there so he knows that when he asks you later on down the road you can say 'remember that convo just after she got here?'

Chances are if your brother truly shows himself to her and she's accepting of it....then they'll both be happy. Who knows...she could be the one to turn him around. Maybe he's met his match? If she's truly old school Chinese (which it kinda sounds like) honour is a big thing and if he lets her down - he's gonna get the tongue lashing of his life and made to feel very ashamed. And then she may leave him.

Cover yer butt and let time play things out. *hugs*

Dh and I had this very conversation right after we got home from the airport after dropping them off. We should have NEVER stepped in to even give a ride to the airport. We should have let him fend for himself right from the get to. The people would have been stranded at the airport no one there to pick them up, no place to stay and would have seen right away how bad off he really is.

Db would have to know for at least several days in advance they were comming. He did not try to get his car running. First he told me it was the radiator, then the next call it was the waterpump. I left out this part in earlier posts. Dh was like he can't take any of our cars but I will go over and help him work on the car. Dh was over there working on it for 6 hours, fixed what that problem was. For the kicker db has not driven the car for months because he bought a scooter from my ds for 500.00, which he still owes 100.00 of it to ds.
So even though dh fixed this most obvious problem there really were more issues with the car. Anyhoo dh comes home wore out and hungry, dirty ect. Db drives off in the car and it breaks down on the highway. Ring, ring, it is db on the phone. Can you pick me up and I will try to see if i can use the neighbors car. She says NO! So dh ends up driving him to the airport after all. This was the first trip to get the son and gf. The mother came in the next day.

 

[stinkbug]

Me??? I'd step the heck away from all of it. Why would you want to be involved in this in ANY way? These people are adults, let them make and clean up their own messes. You are never going to see the $$$ from your brother. Cut your losses.....