[Shelli_wnj]

I have to get this off my chest, however there is no one I can talk to about it. I have 3 kids, ages 7, 5 and 3. My 7 year old is special needs, and when she "helps" it's usually with close supervision. My 5 year old helps in a 5 year old way - with close supervision. I recently took in my mom, who suffers from Lupus. She has good days and bad, but more bad than good. She is incapable of moving around very much. She's great for things like watching the kids while I run out for a gallon of milk, or watching them while they wash, but not for daily chores. She is a blessing to have, and I love her and wouldn't have her leave for the world.

However *start rant here* it really STINKS being the only capable person in a house of 5. This is my kid temper tantrum, no solutions needed, but I have been working up to it for about a week now.

I have to shovel coal and snow. I have to keep the coal stove going. I have to wash all the dishes, do all the laundry, pack all the stuff for a trip (including 2 sets of medical supplies.) On top of it all, we are taking Christmas "on the road" meaning I am hosting at my inlaws house 3 hours away. My mil is in a nursing home due to dehabilitations from cancer (please pray for her if you feel so lead) and I am bringing all the food for 15 people, where I will be expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, etc - and then get to the hotel by bedtime so I don't have cranky kids.

I am more than a little stressed, and feeling selfish for it. I am trying to get a little holiday spirit, and be happy for everyone. But my mom's not happy. She's in pain, and there is nothing I can do to help her. In the meantime, I am having a hard time controlling the kids because they are anxious for the trip, and she warned me that if I don't get them under control, she's going to come out swinging and not stop 'till they do. (She'd never really do it, she's just expressing her anger on me). They're excited, that's all. They want to be out of this house already, and I am taking time to write this because I feel like I am going to scream!

Thank you for letting me vent. It's important to the well being of my family (and in direct part, to my mental health!)

Anyone else feeling selfish for feeling stressed?

 

[Greebo]

There there.

Have a cookie.

 

[DeliaDawn]

I understand it can be very rough when you are the only one who can physically do things around the house. The one thing I am not following is why out of 15 people for this holiday dinner, no one is helping you. If I did all the cooking, I would let them all know the dishes were going to sit if no one else took the initiative to get up and do something. That's asking wayyyy too much of one person.

Hugs to you! You will make it through this.

 

[Shelli_wnj]

Dawn - they will help with dishes - most of them - the ones who can. The cooking I end up doing, which is fine with me. I would much rather cook than clean!

 

[Mamaw]

You are not selfish in any way. I think it is wonderful that you are willing to do so much for your whole family. You are totally permitted to have moments of feeling overwhelmed. (Note, I am a firm believer in allowing myself to have a tantrum if I feel like I need one...no guilt permitted! LOL) Sending you a big hug and warm holiday thoughts!

 

[Momto5RN]

you are feeling overwhelmed which would be normal in this situation. Try to babystep your way thru what needs to be done rather then look ahead at the whole picture- i know when i look at ALL i need to do in a certain time period i feel very overwhelmed .

sometimes a good scream in a pillow or cry in the shower can help.


Since you mention inlaws - is there a husband in the picture ? if so what is he doing to help

Hope you make it thru this weekend and can sit still a bit and find some enjoyment in it all.

 

[Sassyclass]

Why not just go ahead and scream? Believe me it works. It sure gets other peoples attention and you'd be shocked at how helpful they become. I did it once a long time ago and that was the last time I had to ask for help at a family gathering. The trick is once you scream, immediately smile, let out a deep sigh:sigh:, and then tell everyone that the scream was for their safety. If I hadn't screamed, someone was going to get hurt. Either way after the holidays I'd let everyone know that I was on strike.:hug2:

Cat

 

[Shelli_wnj]

Although husband and I are seperated, once I get there he will be extremely helpful. We are working towards reconciliation. He takes direction well He is working today anyway, so he wouldn't be able to help. Tomorrow, as everyone is sitting around chatting, or taking turns going to the home while my husband and I cook. If my mom is well enough tomorrow, she may help with a few things, like getting the table ready.

Thanks everyone for your comments, they are well recieved and appreciated.

 

[rskmom]

(((hugs)))

What can you do so this doesn't happen in the future? For now, just get through it but seriously think about what your boundaries are. It sounds like the situation is totally out of balance, imho.

 

[Hamada]

Sending you a hug. The way to go was for sharing your frustration. The holidays can be so stressful.

The other day I was forcing myself to clean because I had invited company over. I was coming off of a very long week and really kept on telling myself that after such and such day I can just vegetate. Hang in there. If you need a "time out" go for it. Hope you get some time to relax and enjoy the holiday!

 

[Shelli_wnj]

As far as boundaries go, we weren't expecting my mom to need to move in. Her condition worsened so quickly that she needed to move here. As far as Christmas, no one wants to be away from "Nana" in the home, and she used to cook when we went to her house. So I am not sure it could have been prevented this year. I would rather do this than "cancel Christmas" however that doesn't make it any less stressful.

 

[Cricketlegs]

First- Have you set your menu? Is it all needed, can you delete any of it?

Second- Can any of it be premixed and bagged to travel? YOu can mix up things like sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and green rice ahead of time and bring them with you and then pour into dishes with garnishes like marshmallows etc the day it is time to cook. Any man standing around can throw them together for you under your eyes.

 

[druthb00]

Why not just go ahead and scream? Believe me it works. It sure gets other peoples attention and you'd be shocked at how helpful they become. I did it once a long time ago and that was the last time I had to ask for help at a family gathering. The trick is once you scream, immediately smile, let out a deep sigh:sigh:, and then tell everyone that the scream was for their safety. If I hadn't screamed, someone was going to get hurt. Either way after the holidays I'd let everyone know that I was on strike.:hug2:

Cat

I have to second this one lol. It's bound to help Or you can always do what I've done. Get in the car, roll up the windows, blare some rock music (think hair bands) and just scream Works wonders. I promise.

 

[Shelli_wnj]

Well, I am here, I have all the food with me (I think) I got the bread and the coffee cake for breakfast made... My decision. I like it and wanted to make it. But I won't have to make it tomorrow- it's made. Everything else can get thought about tomorrow after presents! Thank you all for helping to keep me sane - I needed it today.

 

[Debbie-cat]

Hugs shelli. Let out a holler or a scream and get the frustration out. Tomorrow night it will all be over. You are such a generous person to handle everything yourself...try and make sure someone else does all the cleanup!!

 

[Shelli_wnj]

Since I already started this thread, I will continue here rather than taking another thread for it. OOOOOOHHHHHH MMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!! Talk about underappreciated. My fil basically told me what he thinks of me this weekend, and it's NOT pleasant. His backhanded comments really ruined my Christmas, and the Christmas of my Mom and Husband. They tried to stick up for me, but everything said turned into a backhanded jibe at me. He thinks I cant cook worth a d**n, he thinks I can't clean right, that I have no sense of style (no idea where that came from) and that I try too hard, among other things. Oh, and I am not thoughtful.

OK - we'll start with that one. Taking my family on the road for Christmas, offering to cook at YOUR house, giving you HOMEMADE gifts, etc, etc, etc, and I'm not THOUGHTFUL??? ok. I will stop there. No, I won't. He COMPLAINED because I made homemade bread and pie. Storebought is better. (My immediate family raves over my food, and also friends who have eaten dinner here have come back for more, so I don't believe him. ) Don't believe me? We will have open invitations for Christmas Dinner here next year Sometimes friends are better than family.

I really love the rest of my husband's family, but this man really "takes the cake".

Sorry - vent over, I think.

 

[xtena]

Why don't you write FIL a very long, very nasty letter telling him what a royal jerk he is. Then tear it up rather than sending it.

 

[frugalwarrior2]

well, that would be the last christmas he would ruin for me. some people live to be bitter and complain. Please flip it in your mind and feel sorry for him. He truely doesn't know how pathetic he is. Or that he is his own disruption to recieving love. Not your problem. If someone didn't like mom's cooking she always said "That's fine, it's there if you change your mind!"

 

[goldeneyez]

Why don't you write FIL a very long, very nasty letter telling him what a royal jerk he is. Then tear it up rather than sending it.

I would agree with xtena. I have done this and it helped immensely. I have an ex mil like that and the more I hear about what she said behind my back, it irks me. I finally had enough with feeling negative about it and how it was making me feel that I wrote her a letter and then deleted it. I felt so much better and decided I didn't have to deal with her if I didn't want to and that I have family and friends who make me feel like a million dollars. Try not to let him make you feel negative about yourself. Believe in what other say about you.

I too have special needs kids and it's hard this time of year. I give you huge kudos for taking them on the road and dinner for 15 as well!!! I know I can't do that right now because my mental health would be at risk! LOL *hugs*

 

[alotofgooddeals]

I would have said two words to him....

"Bite Me"....and that would have been that....Would it have been mature...no however i would have felt much better...