[Non-Conformist]

Here's my situation, we have a serious cash flow problem due to bills that were created before we were married and the fact that our area has a high cost of living.

I will admit that we made mistakes because we went a long time without really talking about $ but now I am ready to get it together.

Here's the problem- we need more money, point blank. We can reduce expenses all day but some things aren't going to go away- cc bills, student loans, rent.

I have a business which was picking up but it slowed down during the summer. That's to be expected. I got a part time job to supplement and get us back on track.

We only have one car, so I work PT on his off days to save on gas because if I had to drive him back and fourth to work that would be too much. It's 35 miles each way. The other days I work from home.

Now I think my husband needs to do get a 2nd job, and he agreed at first, but now he seems to be against it. He works long hours and has a terrible commute- I give him that- but when it comes down to it- we need more money so oh well. It wouldn't kill him to work a part time job ONE day a week. I do know of a job that would fit that schedule but he's not interested in applying.

I think his views changed when he found out he MIGHT get a promotion in December.

I'm trying to be patient so I've got him taking surveys during his free time instead of spazzing out in front of the TV. But that's not going to bring in much and we need to get on this right now. I've been talking about this since August.

I feel like I'm being frantic while he is just strolling around like it's lazy Sunday.

How should I handle this situation? Do I need to just calm down and let him take his sweet time? He seems to think that because he has a job that's all he can do. I don't think like that because if it's not enough money then it's not enough money-period. Besides, it's his loans that are killing us but I won't go there.

By the way, my parents are well off and I've never had money problems before so that is a little about my perspective. I'm used to having money and I don't like being broke. It's depressing me. I've been getting money from my dad each month just to get by. Plus my parents pay for the car. That's embarrassing and I'm tired of asking for money because I am an adult.

I'm not trying to be a witch but I don't believe in sitting around watching TV and playing video games when there are bills that need to be paid.

Any words of wisdom?

 

[leezza]

First off Hello and welcome to the board : )

Some things to try with the hubby.....

*sit down with him and go over all the bills, and I mean even spending money, he needs to be painfully aware of where you stand.

*Track every cent you spend and write it down, (even a pack of gum).

*Make a written budget/spending plan.

*Don't take any more money from you parents, you are a big girl and you can handle this.

*If you make a list of all your bills and % of interest I am sure Greebo can give you some good words of wisdom.

***Hang in there***

Remember realizing that there is a problem is the very first step on your jouney.

Good Luck,
leezza

 

[Non-Conformist]

Can I be 100% honest and vent before I explode?

I have crunched the numbers, set a budget, put us on a cash-only basis and it all doesn't matter because there is not enough money.

I was so excited to learn about Dave Ramsey's baby steps and I am still going to follow it but there still isn't enough money to pay for everything.

Every month we are behind and we will continue to be behind until there is more money coming in. There is nothing to cut back on unless we stop eating and default on a few bills. Yes, we need the net because of my business.

I refuse to mess up my nearly perfect credit and have creditors hounding me, so I run to daddy for help.

Things weren't always so bad but when we moved our rent doubled and our transportation costs skyrocketed. But the move was necessary because I couldn't take living in a dangerous area.

Anyway I just need to know how to get him to understand that he can stay at his job all day and it doesn't matter if the bills aren't paid. He isn't paid hourly so whether he works 8 hours a day or 13 it's not making a difference.

I am not trying to discount his work but he just wants to sit around and wait for something to happen(a promotion).

I am not that type. I don't believe in waiting for life. If you want to get anywhere then you have to make it happen. You can't just sit around and wait for a MAYBE promotion that MIGHT pay you more.

Get off your butt on your off days and start bagging some groceries, flipping some burgers, scrubbing some floors or something!

It's like he doesn't understand that plenty of people work a part time job. He wouldn't be the only person to do it.

This has impacted our relationship more than I realized because now I am bitter. I am annoyed and angry. I don't feel like complaining to him because it's not going to change anything so I'm just not talking to him.

I'm not trying to be immature, I just honestly don't have anything to say to him except for "how are we going to pay these bills?"

What else do we have to talk about?

Besides before we got married I stressed that there's only one thing in the world that terrified me; and that was being poor. God sure has a sense of humor.

 

[Parsimonious]

Some people do not react favorably when they get the impression that they are being forced to do something. If somebody came to me and said: "By the way, I've found a great part-time job for you!" I'd be pleased - less work for me to do If somebody did that with my husband, he would feel cornered and react angry - and he definitely would not apply for that job.

My suggestions: Try to get an additional part-time job for yourself, if this is possible in any way. This will reduce the urgency of your husband finding something additional/better paying to do. At the same time, try to continue reducing expenses. You do need to eat, you do need to use electricity, but you can possibly save a few dollars when buying food, and reduce the amount of electricity you need at least a bit. Again: More breathing space for you. Won't solve the problem, but might alleviate it a little bit. Have you got stuff to sell? No, two boxes of used books don't pay your debts, but at least they can buy a week's groceries.

Try to encourage your partner to look for something additional, but be very careful you do not corner him.

 

[Greebo]

If you will post your income and expenses, it will give the others here a chance to target opportunities for savings you might have missed.

 

[Non-Conformist]

I have a lot of "stuff", I'm sure I could sell it.

He contributes $200 a month to his 401K and that could be cut out until we get everything together. However I already suggested this, and he doesn't want to do it and plus he said that it would take time for it to stop coming out of his paycheck so it doesn't matter. Huh??? :nerv2:

I have us on a food budget of $250 a month. So far I've spent $200 and I don't foresee needing to buy anymore food until November. (Ya for advanced menu planning).

I know he's the type that needs to feel like he's doing something because he wants to, and not because I said so therefore I've been trying to back off.

But the funny thing is, HE was the one who suggested it. HE was the one who said he should get a PT job. This was back in August. He applied to two places and then decided that he'd rather wait for this mysterious promotion.

Ok, if it comes through I'll feel dumb for being such a whiny witch. But if it doesn't.....

I would gladly get another job if we had another car. But right now I'm really restricted in that manner. I also thought about working nights but that won't work either due to the fact that sometimes he gets home at 10pm and he leaves for at 4 or 5am and that doesn't work with everything I've seen.

Besides, I work long and hard too, I guess that's easy for him to forget because I am at home.

Oh well, perhaps my blessing is right around the corner.

 

[Non-Conformist]

Oh, as for expenses...ick I hate even looking at it.

We just need more money. $1400 in rent and $900 in loans/cc bills isn't going away or helping us. His paycheck after taxes, the 401K, and health insurance doesn't even cover that. It's not enough to even cover rent and his loans!

Then add in food, gas for the car ($350/month), auto insurance, car note, electricity, gas, phone, the little savings I try to put away, and the internet, the biz taxes, business expenses and my credit cards...

And I'm sure there is something I forgot like toilet paper...

It's just not going to be crunched any further.

But I am going to try harder to be more positive.

 

[Parsimonious]

If your husband gets the promotion - would you then have enough money to at least cover the basic costs?

Can you look for a more affordable place to stay? Something smaller, perhaps?

 

[joyofsix]

Ok, hardcore here. I'm sure there are reasons you haven't done these things but desperate times call for desperate measures.

1)-Move closer to his job into a place with lower rent.
2)-You need to get a full time job or if you have little ones at home babysit, deliver papers, work nights, whatever.
3) Skip the 401K and put that on bills until you're caught up.
4) Have him deliver pizzas or wait tables or something on weekends.
5) Sell stuff, now!

All this stinks but it's not forever. Dh and I weren't in debt but had school and lived like this for quite awhile. It's not fun but it's not forever.

 

[Non-Conformist]

If he gets the promotion then we should be fine. But I can't get over the IF.

The closer we live to his job, the more expensive it is, unless it's a really bad area. We tried that and I couldn't handle it and it almost caused our marriage to go bye-bye.

Really I'd rather worry about money than worry about if I'm going to get my head shot off. I was paranoid all the time, I never left the apt, and I gained 30lbs.

We live in a one bedroom apartment right now. It just costs a lot to live here. I'd love to move out of this state to a more affordable one but if we do that, there goes his job.

As for me, the problem is that I don't get a regular paycheck. Some months I make a lot more than he does, and other months I don't. Then add in that I don't get paid right away- sometimes it's like 60 days later so our money flow varies from month to month. That's why I got a PT job so at least we can depend on that.

I should have been more careful with planning because really we were handling things separately. That was my biggest mistake. I wasn't really paying attention to the cash flow situation. I don't have any student loans so I really wasn't worried about how his were (or weren't) getting paid.

But I've turned over a new leaf, I just want him to as well.

 

[Non-Conformist]

Ok I'm done.

I'm not going to try anymore.

Him: You think money solves everything and if you had more money then you would be happy. There are more important things than money.

Me: What? Ok, tell me what would solve our problems then. The problems are financial so how is money not the answer?

Him: Money isn't everything.

Me: I am not talking about buying jewelry or a designer bag! I want more money to pay the bills so I can stop worrying about it.

Him: The bills are paid

Me: What are you talking about? We are behind every month. Every month there is something that doesn't get paid. Yes, the rent gets paid but something gets left behind.

Him: Why aren't the bills getting paid?

Me: How many times do I have to tell you this!!? Why is this so hard for you to understand that there is not enough money!!

That was hours ago and we haven't spoken since. I am tired of arguing. There is nothing else I can do.

Thank you all for your tips but some people are just hopeless and dumb. I think I just need to leave.

 

[roxygirl]

Maybe this would be a good compromise for both of you:

Since you mentioned that it's his student loan that is choking your cash flow right now, see if you can apply for forbearance (cease making payments for a certain time period or make reduced payments.) Tell DH this is only going to take care of things until December, in which he will know whether or not he will get the promotion. If he gets the promotion, great! Now you can continue making normal payments on the loan again and things will work out. If he doesn't get the promotion, then he needs to agree to getting a PT job asap, which again will go towards his SL payments after the forbearance period is over.

This can be a win-win situation for the both of you. You get the piece of mind that bills will be taken care of until December. He gets to wait and see if he gets his promotion before taking on a PT job, which MIGHT not be a bad idea. If he took a PT job right now, it's possible it might interfer with his work performance, thus hurting his chances for getting the promotion.

 

[roxygirl]

Woo, ok we must have been posting at the same time!

Sorry to hear the conversation went so poorly, but I don't think it was handled very well by either of you. I'm sure you're stressed to the max, in which case you need a break and to take a breather. This is the kind of discussion where cool heads must prevail.

 

[Greebo]

Have the two of you considered marital counseling? There are deeper issues at play here than money, I think.

That said, I think you both should read "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. One of things I'm seeing in your posts is a lot of talk about him, his problems, him as the cause, and what he could do. I'm not seeing an awful lot, by comparison, about what YOU could do. I'm not saying he couldn't do more - I'm just saying, when you point one finger at someone else, often three are pointing back at you.

Some outside counseling might help you both get a better perspective on things.

And you both should read Dave Ramsey, I think - and watch his live event online. Could be an eye opener for both of you, money wise.

 

[Ceashels]

Me: I am not talking about buying jewelry or a designer bag! I want more money to pay the bills so I can stop worrying about it.

Him: The bills are paid

Me: What are you talking about? We are behind every month. Every month there is something that doesn't get paid. Yes, the rent gets paid but something gets left behind.

Him: Why aren't the bills getting paid?

.

It sounds as if he DIDN"T even knew that not all of the bills were getting paid. Perhaps if you are the one doing the bill paying that is a task that now NEEDS to be shared. One way to get someone to "see the light" is by having them work it out in black and white. You two need to be on the same page for this to work. Do not assume that it is YOUR page vs HIS page. you two need to find an "OUR" page.

 

[MisaLady]

My husband wouldn't respond very well to me talking to him like that. If that's truly how your conversation went, please consider that you may have been a little antagonistic, which doesn't get anybody anywhere.

I know you said you had your own business, but it almost sounds like it's not doing very well. Have you considered going back to work for somebody else? If having an irregular/undependable income is too stressful for you, that might be what you need to do. And I understand that's giving up a lot, but that may be what's causing some of the issues. Don't know for sure, though, because I know so little about your situation.

 

[Greebo]

In what area do you live, btw?

 

[Missourimom]

I agree with MisaLady. It does sound like your husband isn't truly aware of how dire the situation is. I also know if I spoke to my husband using those words, we wouldn't get very far and the same would be true if he spoke to me like that.

 

[Non-Conformist]

This situation is my fault because

-There were signs that he wasn't paying attention financially and I ignored them. We have separate bank accounts and his was always over drafted before I took over it.

-Certain bills were kept separate when I knew they shouldn't be. However I didn't want to argue so I just kept my mouth shut until all heck broke loose. He said he didn't see why we needed to combine finances so I just let it go because he got angry every time I mentioned it.

-I am impatient.

Yes I do blame him for not getting another job. That might be why it seems like I am saying this is all his fault. I do blame him for that and it really makes me angry. Also he wasn't totally upfront about how much debt he had before we got married.He wasn't that organized about it and he told me $30,000. That's not true but I don't think he lied, I think he really wasn't paying attention so he didn't know.

And I didn't know how student loans worked, I never had any. My school was paid for. So I left that all to him.

But yes, its my fault for being so impatient. I lose my patience when I have to keep explaining the same thing over and over and over.

He's seen the bills. He's seen my spreadsheets.I tried back in April to get on a budget and I had everything planned just right. He looked at it,said good job, totally ignored it and kept over drafting his account.

I've explained the situation to him. He is not in the dark. That is why I reacted how I did yesterday because that was the most ridiculous conversation I've ever had. There's no way he could claim ignorance...just no way.

As for my $$$, me going to work for someone else isn't the answer for several reasons. My health is one of them. I mean when you add it up, I make more than he does, it just doesn't come on a schedule like clockwork. I have 4 employees, maybe I need to cut it down to 2.

If my parents didn't live 600 miles away I'd ask them to let us
stay there.

I just need to be patient. That's what it is. My patience is gone.

Now I know maybe my way isn't the best way. Maybe it is better to just wait for the promotion instead of trying to force a 2nd job down his throat. I just want the problem to be gone.


Yes, we probably need counseling because we look at life completely differently. He doesn't care about money, really he doesn't, and I just don't think that way.

But now that I've slept on it I'm not going to mention it again. It's not healthy to argue everyday over something that isn't going to change. He's given me control over his account so I'll just stick to my budget plan and go with the flow.

 

[Greebo]

http://www.daveramsey.com/shop/product1.cfm?SID=2&Product_ID=295

Seriously - get this, and then get him to watch it with you. Its 5 hours but you can watch it in sections. After the first one, I suspect he'll want to see more.