[kcsmom76]

I know there is so much to work on. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. He is not sure about going and talking to her or anyone for that matter.

Does anyone have any advice or other resources I can look into to help me? Thanks.

 

[krbshappy71]

I know there is so much to work on. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. He is not sure about going and talking to her or anyone for that matter.

Does anyone have any advice or other resources I can look into to help me? Thanks.

What would he like to do to work things out, if not a counselor or "anyone"? Did he have a suggestion?

Date nights? Financial classes if the issues are over money? A trip alone together to reconnect?

Still go to your appointment even if he's not interested, it is good to take care of yourself during these troubling family times. Hugs to you.

 

[cab54]

Hmmm... what do you think prompted this, after his being certain he wanted a divorce all week? Has something changed?

I would be wary. Do you really want to go through life feeling as if there is something you're doing or not doing that bothers him? Especially if he's not willing to go and talk to a counselor about it all with you?

I don't know...I don't mean to sound so negative, but it seems soon and sudden to be changing his mind about something he was so adamant about a few days ago. Sounds like it has a lot to do with his not being able to find a place to live. And other things that he's being made aware of.

Just some things I would think about if I were you.

 

[Nishu]

That's great! You said something before about how you feel like you were to blame for your problems. I'm not going to argue with you, I really have no idea what your marriage is like, but it sounds like there are already things you know that you need to improve. You need to talk and really, really listen to he's saying.

I'm sure there are things that he needs to improve on as well, but you really have to leave that up to him. When you change the way you treat your husband and your marriage, it's likely that he'll just follow suit. This is how it worked in my marriage, and the change was pretty drastic and basically painless.

Good luck. I know people have told you it's over and that it's time to move on and I hope you don't listen to them. People told me the same thing, and I'll be forever grateful toward those a**holes who told me that I was giving up to easily.

 

[FrabjousDay]

Something you may want to consider is doing some individual work with a counselor separate from your couples sessions. It can be really helpful in working through relationship issues to have a separate space to explore your thoughts, feelings and reactions. Good luck to you both.

 

[kcsmom76]

I am not sure what changed to make him decide this. I also had the same question. I told him I was concerned he was only doing this because he missed the kids, his worries about not having a home, and the financial mess. He told me he just missed "our family".

I am going to counseling on my own. He has not agreed to marriage counseling.

 

[Nishu]

I would take him on his word, honestly. My husband was completely devastated by the breaking up of what he called "our perfect little family." I was too, even though I was the one who asked for the divorce. When you're planning a divorce, it's really easy to sit and imagine how easy your life is going to be when you don't have to maintain a marriage that you see as broken. What's harder to see is the end of what was basically the vision of your entire future, or not seeing your kids as much, or having to explain to your kids why your separated... it's actually pretty traumatizing when it hits you.

 

[mauimagic]

Going to counseling by yourself is such a great idea!! Taking it a day at a time will help - listen to your heart as well as letting your brain assess your situation also. And please keep in touch.

 

[Greebo]

I'm glad he wants to work things out - but since he initiated this process of ending your relationship, I think HE needs to make some concessions here.

Namely, I wouldn't consent to even CONSIDERING getting back together until you've been in counseling, TOGETHER, for some time.

Your previous communications as a couple haven't worked. Neither of you has changed substantially in the last couple weeks. Therefore you need to change how you communicate in future if you want a hope of it working - so my advice is INSIST on counseling as a couple, or no deal.

 

[frugalwarrior2]

So just maybe mull this over
-Why does he get to call all the shots?
-Why does he decide if you get divorced?
-Why does he decide if you stay together?
-why dies he not need counceling?

Does the wife make any decisions in her own life?
Don't answer,just run it through your own head. Ithink counceling w/o him may be a good thing.

 

[kcsmom76]

He came back a few minutes ago and still wants to work things out. I am so leary, and I hate it. I asked him what he thought I would do if he told me he wanted to work things out and he said he thought I would take him right back.

He did finally agree to counseling. I am keeping my own appointment on Monday and told him I wanted at least the weekend to think about things.

he said his turning point was going to watch the movie "Hall Pass" and realizing that things weren't as bad as he thought at the time.

I think this is almost worse than what happened Saturday night. I don't know what to do. I want to have hope, but then I don't.

He wants me to go with him and my daughter and her friend tonight to the movies and I just can't bring myself to do that. I don't want to give the kids false hope. They have been devastated and I don't want them to go through that again and if I have all these emotions what would that do to them???

Here come the tears and fear and worry all over again

 

[grneyegrl]

i think you need to be on your own for 3 to 6 months..not to say you shouldnt get back together but he only wants you because he has no where else to go... you deserve better treatment..never allow yourself to be so mistreated again..

like the others said go to therphy for yourself.. to help you find your selfconfindance and voice..to stand up for your self and your children..things have to change,make sure your husband is aware of this and you are not going back to how things were,,

good luck

 

[MsMarieH]

I'm glad he agreed to counseling. That would have been a deal breaker for me.

I am inclined to agree that he doesn't really get to be the one calling all the shots. You need to decide together how to proceed. Counseling can help you identify that path.

I don't necessarily think you need to be apart for several months, but at least a few days might clear your head better.

Good luck.

 

[Greebo]

Since he's agreed to counseling, I suggest you ask the counselor when he or she thinks you should consider allowing him back in the house.

 

[craftypam]

I pm'd you and I just thought of another idea. Please watch "Fireproof" together. Its a great movie about relationships and my ds got married almost 2 years ago and the classes they had to take included watching this movie.

 

[Rhiamon]

Just some things to think of playing devils advocate sort of here.
You said he can't get a place to live because he doesn't have a job could this be a reason for changing his mind?

Just because my ex played this game a lot with me. I left and came back several times before I just left. And it was only after I left that he decided he wanted to try and work things out.
So this time I agreed that eventually we could try marriage counseling but he will not be living here with me when it happens and it would be a long while to try and work things out. I would also insist that you work on things together with a counselor and separately with a counselor.
I also heard I saw this or that and made me realize fill in the blank.

I am not saying at all that you shouldn't try and work things out if that is what YOU want to do.

Sometimes though this is from my experience the changing the mind all the time and they way it effects the children and you is worse than just saying its over or trying to work on it well you are not living together.

 

[Ramona]

He dropped a bomb on you (divorce).
He dropped a bomb on you (reconciliation).

You need to step away from the relationship and from being the one who only reacts. You need to participate. Counseling will help you individually and when you go as a couple.

 

[Hamada]

Good to hear he has agreed to counseling. Even better is that you have an appointment for yourself. Right now it sounds as if you both need your own space to really think about what you both individually want and need. Then go to counseling to see if you both want to work on your marriage.

To me going from 100 mph and all of a sudden stopping and turning around is just a roller coaster ride that needs to stop. Right now take care of yourself as best you can so you can be there for your child. Let us know how you are doing.

 

[HoustonDave]

My sister with through a relationship with a guy who was a master manipulator. One of his favorite tricks was keeping her on the defensive, that way he kept the power. This may not be that situation of course.

He has had his chance. He could have started by demanding counseling instead of separation. He did not so it's your turn to set the parameters. He wants back together? Good because apparently you do as well. But it has to be in a healthy way and on your terms. He's not willing to deal with that? Aha! You just found out that he doesn't want back together, he wants the comfort of being in control.

So you should tell him that you also want to get back together, but it's going to be done your way. That means he does NOT immediately move back in and you do NOT immediately start doing family things together.

Instead #1 you guys go to counseling separately for at least one session. #2 you guys go to counseling together. #3 you both follow the counselor's advice.

This can be done, but he has to want it bad enough to PROVE he is willing to sacrifice for it. Likewise, you need to be ready to change if the counselor says that is what you should do.

 

[Daisygirl]

I'm tentatively happy to hear that he wants to get back together, because it seems like that is what you wanted.

The trust here is broken, however. Unless that trust is regained, there is not a real relationship to be had.

I'm glad that counseling is agreed upon. I think this is vital. You absolutely must continue to keep in touch with the strong woman you have found inside yourself.

And please remember what I said earlier: You are modeling relationships for your daughter. Keep in mind how you want her to be treated as you navigate this situation. What advice would you give her if she was married to a man that pulled this on her? Would you recommend she just get back together with him? Would you recommend time apart? Would you recommend starting a bonfire with his belongings?

There is more at stake here than just a marriage - the way you deal with the situation will color your daughter's future relationships as well.

I wish you only the best.