[arnie]

My sister is full on crazy. She is divorced and lives with my nephew who is 19. I think my nephew walks all over her and she lets him do so. She is really struggling to pay her bills, and went out and got a loan through the credit union at work to get him a car he insisted on having, after he totaled a car that was fixed up for him by my parents. My husband and I tried to talk her out of it because the car he wanted was 10,000. We told her to go get him at 1500 car to drive around that way she doesn't get stuck with the bill. She didn't listen. My nephew received a super speeder ticket (90 in a 55 mph) about 3 months ago for which he had to pay a fine and do community service. About a month later, he was pulled over on his way home from work late at night for having a headlight out. They smelled pot in his car, searched the car and found a crumpled up can from one of those caffeine/alcohol drinks,and some pot ashes or stems. He was arrested/released on bail. (Of course he told my sister it wasn't his and she believed him.)The court date arrived, he wound up with a fine, and more community service, license suspended for 6 months. He drove after license suspension several times with my sister's knowledge- she says she couldn't stop him! I told her to take the keys away. He should quit his job and find one within walking or bicycle distance. She didn't listen again.
His job is about 15 miles from their place and he needs someone to drive him- it is a restaurant job that requires him to work late at night. My sister let a friend of his move in so that she ( who works with him) could drive him to work in his car. Her rationale is that he needs the job to pay for the car because she can't afford it. Today- she called me in a panic. It was raining and the friend was nervous because she couldn't see due to heavy downpour. They pulled over and my nephew jumped in the driver seat and drove. He ran into another car- and panicked. He drove off before they could exchange info. He drove the remaining mile to his work.
My sister wanted to go to his job and swap cars so he wouldn't get caught. I told her she was nuts and that she could go to jail too for helping him.
What the heck is wrong with her? I told her he made his bed- he needs to lie in it. She needs to sell the car- and kick him out. She started crying- he's her baby and she can't do that. I am so afraid that she is going to do stupid things for this spoiled little brat. Don't get me wrong- I have kids. DH and I have had to kick out our son for failing to follow rules. There has to be consequences for his actions. It is to the point I don't want to hear her complain anymore. I keep giving her guidance, having been there with my 21 yo who gave us hell from 14 yo until he moved out at 18. I do understand it is hard, but I don't think my nephew is going to get a clue until he goes to jail. What can I tell her anymore??:scratch:

 

[Rebookie]

When it comes to kids, you just can't tell them anything! I'm sorry =(

 

[starsapphire]

I know women who have done/are doing this. They have mommy guilt, therefore let their children run wild and walk all over them. It's quite irrational and they're more or less in denial.

 

[mauimagic]

Nothing. There is nothing tht you can tell her. It won't make any difference in what she does and it will just make you crazy to be involved.

It's so hard to watch people we love do stupid things with their lives. She needs to learn on her own from her choices.

Personally I'd think of something to say when she calls - do the 'broken record routine' with no emotion or energy - to avoid being caught up in her drama.

Take care of yourself and your family.

 

[Ramona]

You can't tell her anything anymore, she's not listening. Continue to love her, that's all you can do.

 

[Debbie-cat]

Nope, you have done all you can now she will have to suffer the consequences to HER actions. Sorry you have to worry and put up with her complaining. :hugz:

 

[Nishu]

We all see your rationale for wanting her to do these things, but going from completely getting walked on to standing up for yourself and letting your kid dig his own grave is actually a HUGE leap. You're asking a lot of her, when you really thing about it.

Start small. Stick a wedge in between them and tap, tap, tap till you get somewhere. Keep it as positive as you can. Don't encourage her to be antagonistic and don't bother reminding her what a douche her son is. She knows, and if it gets back to him and he gets ticked off at you it will just make the situation worse.

Focus on the recurring dependencies. Encourage her to get her own place. Encourage her to get rid of the car. It might be best if you could find a reason why it would be better for her son to get rid of these things. (You might tell her that he's an adult now and needs privacy, so she should get her own place. Or you might say he needs to build up credit so he should get his own car loan.)

If she stands up to him, it WILL get ugly. It always does. Go in there with this in mind and try to push that moment as far off as you can. Try to wean him without ticking him off, you know? I know this is totally contrary to common sense and she should absolutely not have to walk on eggshells, but sometimes you have to give up what's fair for what works.

 

[arnie]

thanks for the advice.
I do love her, and I love my nephew. But I believe he needs to make mistakes and suffer the consequences- if she continues to enable him he will never grow up.
I know we all need someone to listen to us- therefore- as her sister, I need to listen. I may not convince her to change her ways, but I will continue to listen. I just think she needs to pull her head out of the clouds and realize he is taking advantageof her. Maybe she will meet a nice guy who will be able to influence her and put a father figure in the picture.

 

[Hamada]

I understand you wanting to wake up your sister to the harsh reality. You could tell here that since her son decided to drive and ended up in a hit and run in a storm that the next time he could kill someone or himself because of his reckless behavior. Maybe that will give her incentive to sell the car.

You might want to also encourage you sister to go and talk with someone. Even a group support system to help her build up her self-esteem. Maybe that will help her say no to your nephew.

 

[krbshappy71]

Not to be mean, but you don't have to listen either. If you want to, that's fine, but don't let her drama affect the rest of your night with your own husband and family. Set boundaries for yourself when it comes to helping and listening to her. Remind yourself that even God only helps those who help themselves.

 

[arnie]

Great points about God help those who help themselves. My sister tends to play the woe is me tune. I can't stand it. Matter of fact, I don't even share all the family drama with my husband. I actually moved to NC to get away from the family drama- but had to move back due to the economy and not being able to sell my house.

I can just be thankful that the drama is not mine- been there and done that with my own son.

 

[lparker]

"I told her he made his bed" - apparently she made her bed also. When my 3 kids were teens, I told them that I'd bail them out once ... and I did so for 2 of them ... I didn't have to do it again.

 

[krbshappy71]

"I told her he made his bed" - apparently she made her bed also. When my 3 kids were teens, I told them that I'd bail them out once ... and I did so for 2 of them ... I didn't have to do it again.

I told mine if they ended up in jail maybe they needed to spend the night to think about things. (Love & Logic parenting)

(we shall see how strong I am if I ever get that actual phone call though, ha!) It is indeed difficult when its yer own. But parenting was never for the faint of heart.

 

[Nishu]

"I told her he made his bed" - apparently she made her bed also. When my 3 kids were teens, I told them that I'd bail them out once ... and I did so for 2 of them ... I didn't have to do it again.

That's a good point. I went through something like this with my mom and my brother. I know my brother is a jerk but at the same time, he didn't raise himself. Their entire dysfunctional relationship was just a series of repeating habits. He'd screw up, she'd step in. He'd screw up and expect her to step in, she'd step in as he expected. Rinse, repeat. It went back to gradeschool.

It's really hard to identify the victim sometimes. Luckily what's best for the stretched parent is also best for the coddled child. You can say that and mean it when you talk to parents who are having a hard time saying no.

 

[Imarachne]

I agree with Ramona--just love her 'cause she'll have to learn .

 

[Dancing Lotus]

I hate to tell you this but my mother in law is 60 , her son is 34.
She has lost everything she ever owned. My brother in law has 4 children none of which he can provide for because he spends more time in jail then out of it. She has to care for these kids on social security . She knows much of his problems are her fault for enabling and yet she STILL DOES IT!
We have all begged a pleaded with her, she knows it's wrong and yet it continues because no one can tell her what to do.

 

[Dancing Lotus]

"I told her he made his bed" - apparently she made her bed also. When my 3 kids were teens, I told them that I'd bail them out once ... and I did so for 2 of them ... I didn't have to do it again.

I'm hoping that you told them that when the incident occurred and not as a forewarning.
My kids are too young for this stuff but I assure you I won't be letting them know that they can have one free pass. If any thing like that occurred I probably would bail them out once but as far as they are concerned NO, MOM would not!

 

[lparker]

I told them before. Neither of them liked being in court....

 

[MaryCarney]

Well, HERE'S something you might tell her. The story you told could have been about my sister and her only child ten years ago.
Enabling - 'powerlessness' to effect change with the son - yadda, yadda.
Fast forward ten years. He never held a job, sister bailed him out of jail multiple times for various offenses, up to and including drug dealing.
He totalled TWO cars in ONE day a while back. Never was held accountable for ANYTHING because she couldn't bring herself to discipline him EVER.


We buried him last week. She had to borrow $$ for the funeral because he basically bankrupted her.

 

[madhen]

There isn't much you can do. I have watched my sister let her son walk all over her. Happily, his biggest vice is that he is a lazy leech. But she is so afraid of not being "loved" by her husband and son, she won't ever do or say anything to them that they don't like. Consequently, she is raising a child who doesn't know how to put his own self-interests aside, who hasn't been to the dentist since he was old enough to say "no," and who, at 23 years of age, gets up at around 1p after playing video games all night, and still gets an allowance.