[Quiltin'Mom]

Just some basic info. My parents were married for 46 years. My Mom passed away in November 2012. There is not really any divorces in either of my parent's extended families except for my Dad's brother that lives in another country. Divorce and re-marriage are rather foreign to me. Dad is 73 years old.

My Dad has found a "friend" as he is calling her. I think there may be a bit more to it. He had mentioned to me that he had a new friend and he wanted me to meet her. I have absolutely no interest in seeing my Dad with another woman. I have expressed that to him many times. It is just too painful. I am still very easily upset when I think about losing my Mom. He still keeps bringing it up and I still keep telling him that I don't want anything to do with it.

A month or so ago I received 3 phone calls in one day, two of them at my house and one of them on my cell phone. The phone calls were from this "friend". She left a message each time and wanted me to call her to talk to her. I didn't return her call. Instead I called my Dad and asked why she had my phone numbers. He said that he gave them to her in case of an emergency involving himself. I told him to tell her to never call me again, unless there was an emergency.

The only things I know about this woman are that she has been divorced twice before and widowed once. That is 3 marriages. She has an adult son and his wife and kid living with her. I have searched the internet and found out information about her that I don't like. There is history of her not paying bills and claiming bankruptcy and also a couple of different law suits that she won some good sums of money. She claims the two marriages that ended in divorce were abusive relationships and the husbands both divorced her, she didn't file for divorce. Hmmmmm.....I don't know much about this, but I don't think most people that are the abuser tend to walk away from the relationship, it is usually the one that is being abused that leaves. Right?

My Dad is very gulable (spelling???). He tends to attract friends and people that are not responsible and don't have regular jobs. He is certainly an enabler for my deadbeat sister (she is 46 years old, he pays her rent, buys her groceries and pays her phone bill...she doesn't work, etc, I'm sure Mom would turn over in her grave if she knew).

So, I guess I am looking for advice. Am I being selfish? I do want my Dad to be happy, but I just have a gut feeling that this is not the right person. I am very protective of my Dad, someone has to be. I have informed Dad of all of the info that I have found and I have expressed my concerns with her three previous marriages. He tends to not want to listen when it is something he doesn't want to hear. If it isn't in agreement with the way he is thinking then he puts his head in the sand like an ostrich.

Is there anything I can or should do? I feel like this is driving a wedge between me and my Dad. I don't want to lose him, but I can't bear the thought of him "hooking up" with another woman.

 

[calimomx2]

:hugz: Not an easy situation and I certainly don't have an answer other than to say if for no other reason than to protect your Dad, I would make a point of getting to know this "friend." Talk with her, get a feel for her and then you might be in a better position to voice your concerns. I wouldn't turn a blind eye to her, sounds like this is someone he wants to be around so again, I'd get to know her!

 

[frugalwarrior2]

Your dad is a person in his own right. And at 73 he may not have much time to live life. It.s not like your Dmom passed 5 min. ago. It's been a respectable amt. of time.
I would most certainly meet her and get to know her. If she is a nice person I would welcome her and if not I would be a little bird in his ear.
My Ddad passed in Sept. and if Dmom found a friend who was good for Dmom I would be delighted. It's not about you or your Dmom. And you really cant convict someone w/o meeting them. As you get older its about companionship. Should your Ddad just be alone for the rest of his life as he waits to die?

 

[MamaTreadler]

I agree with this 100%.

Your dad is a person in his own right. And at 73 he may not have much time to live life. It.s not like your Dmom passed 5 min. ago. It's been a respectable amt. of time.
I would most certainly meet her and get to know her. If she is a nice person I would welcome her and if not I would be a little bird in his ear.
My Ddad passed in Sept. and if Dmom found a friend who was good for Dmom I would be delighted. It's not about you or your Dmom. And you really cant convict someone w/o meeting them. As you get older its about companionship. Should your Ddad just be alone for the rest of his life as he waits to die?

 

[Contrary Housewife]

I think the more you push dad to dump her the stronger he is going to hold onto the relationship. It sounds as if he is lonely and glad to have this friend. Whether it sits well with you or not, he is a consenting adult.

On the other hand, I think you should stay involved, if only to look after your father's financial interests, and the family interests. Do not let him sign over anything to this woman, or give her large sums of money.

 

[CPA-Kim]

I would welcome the opportunity to get to know her. She may end up being your stepmother. It is obvious that your father really wants to bring the two of you together. Give her a chance. If you see something wrong, you can inform your dad but don't continue to hurt him by ignoring his companion.

 

[hiraeth]

I'm sorry this is such a difficult thing for you to go through. I know it's hard. But if it were me, I would definitely take her calls and try and get to know her. If for no other reason, it might help you understand if she is being sincere with your dad. Hopefully she is and they can be happy together. It is better than his being lonely. Take care.

 

[CookieLee]

When men become widowers then want to get into a new relationship, it is a good sign. It means that he enjoyed being married (a compliment to your mom) and is willing to get into a relationship again. This lady might not be "the one" but I agree that I'd want to be meeting her either way.

 

[Freegalsaurus]

To look at it another way: if you refuse to deal with this woman, you drive a wedge between yourself and your father. It doesn't sound like he's going to stop seeing her based on your refusal, so what happens is he talks to her more (because she seems like the reasonable one) and you less, because you don't want to talk about what is going on in his life and/or get to know people he enjoys spending time with. Do you want this woman to be the only one who has his ear, because you're clamping your hands over yours and going "nahnahnahnah"? I know it's hard; my mom remarried a year after my own father died. But I'd rather know the person who may have influence over an elderly parent, than leave them to their own devices. Too, with the Internet being what it is (to play devil's advocate), the "Rose Parker" you found may not even be the same "Rose Parker" that your dad's seeing. You may know it's her for sure, but you know what I mean. You can't always trust everything you read, even so.

 

[Ramona]

I would befriend her just to keep an eye on her and also consult with an attorney. Explain the situation and voice your concerns. As a competent adult, he's free to make his own mistakes.

 

[Brat]

Get to know her for sure...I am in your dad's court..I was married to a wonderful man for almost 35 years..We had a wonderful life and nothing will take that away..He passed away in 2011 after a long illness..We talked about his passing on many time..We even purchased a home with this in mind..He was the one that said that I should move on and live my life happy..(which I have) Nothing will ever take the wonderful memories we had together..I will never stop loveing him no matter what..and I have found someone who so understands that..I have a daughter that will not even meet him and it has brought hard feelings between us..I feel not only did I loose a husband but also a daughter but I needed more to my life than being a babysitter for the kids..I just wish she would get to know him..Get to know her please for your dad..She may be someone you will like..You don't have to agree with his choices but at least you can still be a big part of his life still..Your not giveing up your love for your late mother (nor is he) by getting to know someone that your dad has desided to be a part of his life..(for now anyway). Allow your dad to be happy for his later years..

 

[Giro]

I agree with the others. I think you should put your father's feelings above your own. I know it might be really hard and I wish you luck.

I would also stay involved so that she doesn't take all of his money. It's okay if he decides to spend his money on her, but I wouldn't allow her to take it all and leave him homeless or something.

 

[melodys]

I was widowed five years ago, and married and divorced once before. I also like to think that I am a kind, intelligent, and optimistic individual. Why on earth would you think that a person who has more than one marriage is automatically suspect?

You father honored your mother until death did them part. He had good judgment about his marriage, and it would be reasonable to expect him to have the same good judgment about subsequent relationships.

Life is for the living. Let your father live and enjoy himself with your blessings.

 

[mndtrp]

You've done a good job of finding out things you don't like about this woman, are you going to try finding out why your father does like her? I understand your concerns, but your father has chosen to spend time with this woman, and you are trying to avoid her. You're only going to drive a wedge into your own relationship with your father, is that how you want to spend the end of his life?

 

[Quiltin'Mom]

Thank you for all the replies. It's not exactly what I want to hear, but something I need to hear. I am balling my eyes out thinking of seeing my Dad with another woman. I do want him to be happy but I also know that he is a poor judge of character. He attracts the deadbeats in life and he enables them. He always wants to see the good in people and he gets taken advantage of quite often because of this. I don't want to see him hurt.

As far as Dad's finances, I have access to everything. I know more about his finances then he does. Mom always handled everything and he would just take whatever money she gave him. That is not how she wanted it, he refused to get involved and be aware of anything. Since Mom's passing I have had to step up and take over everything. I try and get him involved but he won't. He just says "I know you will do what needs to be done to take care of me". I appreciate that, but I still want him to be aware. I also have complete Power of Attorney over Dad. I can do anything to act on his behalf. I don't think there is any way for this woman to take advantage of him in a financial way. I will be keeping my eyes open though.

As far as her being married three times. It is more that she is saying that the divorces were not her fault. It was the husband's that filed for divorce (according to her). She is not taking any responsibility for the marriages. She said she was abused by each of them. I'm not knowledgeable in this area, but it seems to me if the husband's were abusive then they wouldn't walk away from the marriage. Don't they like to be in control? They don't want to let the person they are abusing get away. The stories just don't seem truthful.

I guess I am looking more at her character and thinking this is not someone that I would want to be associated with. With that much history of failed relationships she needs to look at herself. Then the court cases where she has sued numerous people/businesses and has won monetary awards to the tune of a couple hundred thousand dollars. Just makes me think she is sue happy and trying to get something for nothing. We are a family that has morals and believes in making money the old fashioned way - work for it.

I just question her motives. I think she was out of line when she called me. She was given my phone numbers for an emergency only. Dad told her that. She went behind his back and called me, left me a message to not tell my Dad that she had called me and for me to call her back. Uh, no. My loyalty is to my Dad, you are a stranger to me and I don't play those games.

Again, thanks for the input. I am a person that follows my gut instinct and I just don't know if I can move forward with her. I appreciate everyone's input and I see the damage it can do, but it will take me some time yet. I just wish he would have a look from my point of view. Why can't he find someone with stronger character? They are out there, especially in his generation.

 

[bumplett]

I really do wish you the best of luck dealing with these emotions.

I think that it was a positive move on her part to try to call you. You admitted that you had told your dad that you didn't want to meet her. It was obviously important enough to her to try. She was reaching out to you herself. There's no harm in that.

If she's trying and dad is trying, maybe you could try a little? Maybe invite them to dinner?

Imagine the emotion and shock you're going to have when you get a wedding invitation in the mail and you didn't even realize they were that "close"

Not saying that it would happen, but just think about it.

My dad died in 2009 - after 45 years of marriage to my mom. My mom won't even consider speaking to another man. She's lonely, she's bitter, she's cocooned herself into the house and she's a miserable person to be around. While she chooses to do this to herself, she makes everyone around her miserable - Be happy that your dad could step outside of his comfort zone of so many wonderful years and even consider meeting someone else.

I'm sure your mom would want him to be happy and she would want you to help in that.

It's hard, but you can do this. you don't have to LIKE her - just be pleasant. Be there for him. Let him know that you want to see him happy. It's NOT about YOU. It's about your dad.

*just my 2 cents.

 

[nodmicks]

My fondest wish for my Mom when my Dad died was for her to find someone to love her that much again and have that same happiness again. I understand it is very hard to see your dad with another woman. I really do. However your dad has been an adult for a very long time and has to find out things himself. I would personally get to know her and not say a word to your father about it unless you see a very good reason.

 

[CPA-Kim]

My parents were married for over 50 years. I so wish that my mother had found someone after my father passed away. She never considered it and her life was not a happy one. She isolated herself.

 

[bonnotsm9]

I just question her motives. I think she was out of line when she called me. She was given my phone numbers for an emergency only. Dad told her that. She went behind his back and called me, left me a message to not tell my Dad that she had called me and for me to call her back. Uh, no. My loyalty is to my Dad, you are a stranger to me and I don't play those games.

Calling then telling you not to tell your Dad? That is what would put my back up. I would casually mention to your Dad that she called you. Not make a big deal of it, but let him know she did call. I really don't like people telling me to keep secrets from my family members.

I agree with the others that you should be civil and meet her.

 

[josantoro]

I would agree to meet her and get to know her. You say your dad attracts losers, yet he married your mom - so he can pick a good woman, right? Give her a chance and keep an eye on her. It is good that you have charge of your dad's finances. What are you worried about?

My mom died when I was quite young and after a failed second marriage he took up with a lady about his own age. No one could figure out what he saw in her, but they were together for 20 years, always lived apart, never married (Thank heavens) and seemed to be very happy together. I found her annoying and abrasive but I was glad my dad had someone to be happy with. I am sure he paid for most of their trips as he had more money than her, and he left her a life insurance policy when he passed. I would not have cared if he left everything to her, it was HIS money.