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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone, The past few days i have found myself in a situation that requires some guidance. My 24 year old son asked to come home. with no job , no car.. and not much of anything he left home with. Rumors are he is doing pills , but when i ask him of course he denies any involvement at all.
i dunno what to do. please help
 

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First of all big hugs to you. Whatever you decide to do, it isn't going to be easy. I have seen the consequences of addiction and it can break people down from the loved ones they have been, to only a shadow of what they were. If you decide to take your son in, please make sure you have everything written on paper, as a kind of contract. It may sound unnecessary and uneasy to do now, but if something goes wrong you ll be happy to have it. And if all goes smooth you can just forget about it. Further you are the most important, not your son. This may sound very harsh, but as only he can change his life if he needs to, so are you the only one who can make the right decision for you. I hope you take the decision that is right for you whatever that is and I wish you the best of luck.
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I just dont have the heart to turn him away, where would he go, where would he sleep ( under a bridge) .. my son had an additction problem years ago, and i was hopeful throwing him out helped him get clean, But that dont seem to be the case.. how can i turn him away and still sleep at night?
 

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I am sorry you are facing this. I'd give him a week at home as you assess the situation and you both come up with a plan.

But as someone posted, you have to take care of yourself so that you will always be in a position to help him. If he may steal from you to feed the habit, that has to be prevented at all costs.

I buried an old boyfriend in November, heroin addict. He had everything in the world, good family and plenty of money, but nothing beat the addiction. In the end his wealthy parents bought him a condo, brought over food and cleaned him up and paid for his drugs so he wouldn't go to the streets. They said the end was almost a relief.
 

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I am sorry you are facing this. I'd give him a week at home as you assess the situation and you both come up with a plan. I can't say living with you is a solution and a written contract means nothing to an addict. Those nasty drugs are the very devil and regardless of how his heart feels towards you, the drugs may cause him to betray you.

But as someone posted, you have to take care of yourself so that you will always be in a position to help him. If he may steal from you to feed the habit, that has to be prevented.
 

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You may want to seek advice from a local Al-anon or Nar - anon group. Most of them have probably dealt with situations like this and can offer not just broad advice but what worked and didn't work for them.

hugs to you and I wish you all the best in such a difficult situation.
 
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I also think that going to an Al-anon meeting will be good for you. It will help you learn how to set the boundaries and actually stick to them. He should be give a set amount of time to get back on his feet...say six months to find a job, keep it, and save money for an apartment. Make it a stipulation that he has to attend meetings and see a counselor to be able to move back in. If he does not comply, the best thing would be to let him go and hit his bottom. Addiction is awful, but if you make it too easy for him, he will not be motivated to get better.
 
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If there is a mod out there, could you pleAse delete my first insensitive post (and this one as well). I only have my iPhone at the moment and can't seem to edit or delete.

Thanks and apologies, bad judgement on my part.
 

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I worked many years with addicts. I agree with the advice of other posters.
You need to work on YOU!! Al Anon or Nar Anon.
You do not want to hurt instead of help your son and enabeling him is hurting him in the long run.
 
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I also think that going to an Al-anon meeting will be good for you. It will help you learn how to set the boundaries and actually stick to them. He should be give a set amount of time to get back on his feet...say six months to find a job, keep it, and save money for an apartment. Make it a stipulation that he has to attend meetings and see a counselor to be able to move back in. If he does not comply, the best thing would be to let him go and hit his bottom. Addiction is awful, but if you make it too easy for him, he will not be motivated to get better.
I know it's hard, he's your child, but I don't think it's a good idea to let him move back home. If you do, the above advice is good. You have to set boundaries and keep them otherwise he will walk all over you.

If you cushion the bottom he needs to hit, he most likely will never find the motivation to get clean.

I also highly recommend Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings for yourself.
 

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If you kicked him out once before, then I would make sure he has corrected that behavior before allowing him to come back. From the sound of things, he hasnt done so. Like someone else said, dont be an enabler.
 

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Marie, I do understand your concerns as we have been down the same path.

When it comes to our addicted children, there is a saying, "We can love our children to death."

What that means is that we can "help" our children so much that they fall further into addiction; so much further they eventually end up dead from it. So it is true that you could allow him to crash at your house and give him access to your assets to abuse: a bed to sleep in ... or invite lovers to have sex with him in, a full refrigerator that he'll eat out of ... or take food from to give to his homeless "friends", a car to drive ... to the bad side of town where drugs are sold (and it gets confiscated by the police when he is arrested), and all your personal possessions ... which he'll arrange for friend to come in and steal so they can get money for drugs.

He won't do that to his mother? Really? YOU would never do something like that to your mother but addicts think much differently.

Your son is not a child who needs to be rescued by his mommy. Your 24-yr old son is a MAN. More than a place to sleep he needs to hear from you that you have complete faith in his abilities to solve his own problems. He needs to have you tell him, "Honey, I know times are tough for you. I also know you can recover and I have faith that you will soon. When I see - by your actions - that you have turned your life around we can talk then about what help I can give you." And I mean real actions like holding down a real job for 6 months or more.

Where will he sleep? Oh my goodness, there are tons of safe places for him to sleep. Just because you don't know about them, that doesn't mean he doesn't. Why doesn't he sleep there? Because they have rules and aren't easily manipulated. You are. You're the easy mark.

You are the last person in his life who has the ability to tell him that you know that inside he is stronger than the pills. If you take him in and let him manipulate your goodness, he will end up feeling worse about himself. The worse he feels, the more drugs he'll take. Please give him hope. Tell him you can't let him stay with you because you know he can access drug recovery services and he'll start turning around the mess he has created.

You're not being hard-hearted. You're being an advocate for your child.
 

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Once an addict - always an addict.
The fact that he doesn't have a job, or car, or much of anything says he is still doing drugs. Don't be fooled.

He has already lied to you by saying that he isn't doing anything- clearly he is. He just hasn't done anything in the last couple of days (that's an addicts rationality to not lying). I think you know he lied. He hasn't even moved in and he's lying. Imagine when he does move in? If he does you're stuck with him and his dysfuntion for a verrrrrrry long time. It will be hard to shake him loose.

CookieLee has it right - your house is going to be chaos from then on. So, unless you like chaos, I wouldn't have him move in. He's a man - it's time to grow up.

And don't feel guilty about it! You did nothing wrong.


:hugz:
 

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I just dont have the heart to turn him away, where would he go, where would he sleep ( under a bridge) .. my son had an additction problem years ago, and i was hopeful throwing him out helped him get clean, But that dont seem to be the case.. how can i turn him away and still sleep at night?
The fact is he would go somewhere. Depending on where you live he may have friends to stay with or there might be a shelter in the area. I know at least one addict that went into treatment just to have a place to sleep. Or, he might sleep outdoors long enough to find out that he's rather get clean than sleep outdoors.

If you take him in you might sleep better but he'll have a reason not to bother to get better.
 
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