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This is kind of an offshoot from my housecleaning thread. I thought this was a more appropriate place to continue.

I've had a relapse. I deal with chronic depression, and the doctor agreed that this is a full-blown major depressive episode. It sucks to feel like every time I pull things together, start working again and get things on the right track, the rug is just going to get yanked out from under me.

Anyhow, this time I went to the doctor before I became totally non-functional. The only bonus to a recurring problem is you begin to recognize the signs before complete disaster befalls you.

Luckily, this time, I don't have to wean off the current meds and taper up on new ones. I'm simply adding new ones. I'm praying, praying, praying that these work. I'm just so exhausted. A lot of people who don't have depression don't understand how physically debilitating it can be. If I could describe it, to maybe give a little understanding to the very fortunate folks who don't struggle with this:

Pretend you've had a horrible case of the flu. You are slightly better but exhausted and lethargic. You muster up the energy to go downstairs into the kitchen and heat up a can of soup. You fill a big steaming mug, climb the exceptionally long staircase and lay back against your pillows. You feel exhausted, wrung out and are covered in cold sweat. You feel as though you walked a mile through a windstorm to get that soup. You plan that when you have to go to the bathroom the next time that you will bring back a glass of water. You are thirsty but you'll wait until you simply MUST get up because you are so tired that getting up right now is unfathomable.

So that is the general feeling of lethargy I've been fighting for a month or so now. I don't even know how to describe the sense of sadness, hopelessness and failure that accompanies it. Even though my rational brain is aware that these feelings are not an accurate assessment of my life, the illness is constantly fighting with that part of me. My mom thinks that depression is "an excuse" and a sign of weakness. I wish she understood. New meds come with new side effects but it will be so worth it to feel better.

Everyone has a cross. I hope that this one has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person.
 

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Good thing you went to the doctor soon and good luck with the new meds. :hugz:
 
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prayers the new meds worK
for you !
 
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depression is a terrible burden and when others around you see it as a moral failing rather than a medical condition it makes it even worse, though it seems like that would hardly be possible. I hope the new meds help, and I'll be thinking of you. You have given so much to FV, I miss you when you aren't around.
 

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Pretend you've had a horrible case of the flu. You are slightly better but exhausted and lethargic. You muster up the energy to go downstairs into the kitchen and heat up a can of soup. You fill a big steaming mug, climb the exceptionally long staircase and lay back against your pillows. You feel exhausted, wrung out and are covered in cold sweat. You feel as though you walked a mile through a windstorm to get that soup. You plan that when you have to go to the bathroom the next time that you will bring back a glass of water. You are thirsty but you'll wait until you simply MUST get up because you are so tired that getting up right now is unfathomable.
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i have a very stupid question, but that was what it was like when i was anemic. superhuman effort to get up and wash the dishes. has your doctor done a physical workup on you including thyroid and b-12 and regular anemia?
 
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Discussion Starter #7
i have a very stupid question, but that was what it was like when i was anemic. superhuman effort to get up and wash the dishes. has your doctor done a physical workup on you including thyroid and b-12 and regular anemia?
Yes. I have bloodwork for all of those things every 3 months, along with a few other things relating to the medication I take. I've been anemic (when I was expecting DD10) and I agree, the feeling is very similar. :) And it's not a stupid question at all.
 

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I understand I feel like my feet weigh 100 lbs a piece. I just now am on the upswing so to speak.When I am this way I do the bare essentuals. Feed pets, clean up if they make a mess, lysol wipes are a blessing from heaven, soak the dishes, throw a load in the wash and hang. turn the dog loose in the yard for potty. Con grandma into cooking. Sometimes that feels like a run a marathon. Just try to keep functioning a barest level. Read a blog on flylady by this lady who has bi polar. It helped me alot. hugs Daisygirl.
 

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Good on yas for nipping this in the bud before you had a full on bout. You've recognized the signs and went to get it checked out. I hope the new meds work out for you.

Just wondering - how do you manage to walk the dogs while you're feeling so lethargic?
 

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:hug2: Hugs...feel me wrapping my arms around you for a big old fashioned hug that comes from the heart

I wish we lived close to each other. I think we'd be good for each other....we'd either sink or swim...owe you a PM...

:grouphug2
 
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Discussion Starter #11
Just wondering - how do you manage to walk the dogs while you're feeling so lethargic?
Libby:

I sometimes manage a short walk with them.The kids take them out. Bella likes to play ball so my daughters play ball with her. Other times I take them to the dog park and just sit there and read a book while they run around and chase the other pooches. (Well, Bella runs - Katie's almost 11 so she just wanders around and sniffs pee :) )

Today DD16 took Bella for a long walk before I got home.

A dog is the world's best piece of exercise equipment. Treadmills can't give you sad looks that make you feel guilty.

I'm so sleepy - major side effect from this medicine. This week is going to be sort of a write off. I'll be in bed early every night this week - hopefully it will be the start of feeling good.
 
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DaisyGirl, I do understand. I've had major depression, I remember being so tired that when I would get up in the morning and walk from the bedroom to the kitchen, I had to stop in the living room and rest before going on to the kitchen.

DH did not understand at all and kept telling me to "stop thinking about myself and get out and do something!" He finally grudgingly agreed for me to see a doctor. He was ashamed of me and would tell me" aren't you ashamed for the kids to see you this way?" I didn't tell my parents and I don't know why, They both took anti-depressants and would have understood.

DH had a major depression after a serious accident that put him on disability. Now he understands!

Hang on! It will get better! Check out DrNedley.com for some great advice on depression.
 

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Daisy - I feel so bad for you. One thing that you mentioned that made me very angry is what your Mom said.... 'a sign of weakness'. Grrrrr. Depression is NOT a sign of weakness.... Depression is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope the new mess work. Hugs
 

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I admire you for recognizing your deepening depression and going to the doctor. I pray that your medication works well for you.
 

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Even though my rational brain is aware that these feelings are not an accurate assessment of my life, the illness is constantly fighting with that part of me.
I know exactly what you mean. It's like being in a dream that you know is a dream. Even if you know it's a dream, you still can't wake yourself up from it. :(

I have found that patience is the greatest asset I have during these times. I know that my bad feelings won't last forever and my moods will cycle and I'll eventually feel better, so I just keep reminding myself to be patient. It doesn't sound like much, but I really think it helps.

And you know what? Being able to recognize your symptoms and catch yourself before you hit rock bottom isn't just something that comes with repeat relapse. It takes a lot of insight and wisdom to be able to catch yourself like that, so you really should view it as an accomplishment and a testament to your strength. How many people do you know that get stuck in a repeating cycle of depression and never even realize they have a treatable condition?

Hang in there. This too will pass, as they say.
 

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Thank you for your support. So few people really understand.

Today was day 4 on the new meds. I felt a little better. I wasn't nearly comatose all day (initially, sleepiness is a side effect of the prescription). I also felt a little like the sun was peeking out from behind the clouds and I could see little rays of light. (figuratively speaking).

It was all good until I had to tell DD16 "no" about something and she lost her marbles. She's been refusing to pitch in with household chores and I refused to drive her somewhere she wanted to go. It was all downhill from there. She berated me about the depression and linked it to when my dad died 2 years ago. I explained that it's actually more like an illness or disease and she laughed at me. I asked her to leave the room and she wouldn't and the conversation, of course, devolved from there.

I'm going to look into family therapy for DD10 and me - we need someone to talk to. I wish DD16 would come with it but she is adamantly opposed to it. My best friend pointed out that I can't force her to participate and I can't wait forever hoping she will come around. She's right. It's hard enough to get back on my feet without having all of this stress. It will be impossible to do it without some help.

So despite the little rant, today has been an improvement. Brighter days ahead.
 

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HUGS..I went years without consulting a Dr about my depression..I finally got a prescription and the very first day I took it I knew it wasn't for me so I through all of it away..I've tried talking myself out of whatever funk I'm in at the time along with taking 10,000 unit's of Vitamin D and fish oil everyday and have been doing quite well mentally..I have down times when my kid's act up like Chloe is doing right now to you..I know how challenging teenager's can be along with the everyday stress's of life..Hold on everything will work out in the end..P.S. I would tell your mom that unless she walk's in your shoes she should be supporting you not making the sitution worse ....How about she takes care of the girl's for awhile? I'm here for you hon if you want to talk..
 

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You might be suprised how many people DO actually understand.
I just sit and do things w/ my mind but my feet are not moving because I get so exhausted at nothing. I think, that goes in the closet mop that pick up the wrappers. Doesn't do any good because I am still just sitting there and everything and efforts seems too big. I feel very heavy in the arms.
I hope your new meds works better or improves thing for you.
My 18 year old makes fun of it too. I think it scares them so they make fun of us to make it less real. Plus lets face it,unless your in it in doesn't make sense.
My new meds cause a 22# weight relapse in 5 weeks because I was CARB CRAZY!!! So lights this year first.
I think one of the most insidious things about depression is that when your in it it feels like nothing will make a difference and that no one understands.
 

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She berated me about the depression and linked it to when my dad died 2 years ago. I explained that it's actually more like an illness or disease and she laughed at me. I asked her to leave the room and she wouldn't and the conversation, of course, devolved from there.
Gah, that must have been so painful to hear. One day she's going to realize what a complete a** that she was about this and it will make her sick to think about how she talked to you. Try not to be too upset about. She's going to need your forgiveness later like you need her understanding now.
 
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Discussion Starter #20
Such a warm fuzzy feeling. I am sorry that so many of you have stories to share. I wish there was a world without this feeling.

Today is a little better again. I got a wonderful sleep and have a good burst of energy, so my house is looking better, which in turn makes me feel better.

Its so nice to have energy, even this limited amount.

God bless you all for your support. Thank you.
 
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