[justpeachy92]

about my dd a few weeks ago. It was about her getting suspended from school,her myspace she opened without permission, and the fact that her grades were slipping. She hasn't been phased at all about her punishment. The subject she dropped the most in I met with the teacher, who thought I was over reacting to her grades, went from an A to a B, but if you looked at percantages she was closer to a C then a B if that makes sense. So I just received an email from this teacher. It is what my daughter has gotten in grades so far this marking period. And that B is now an F.....but yet I was over reacting. Where it irritates me is the grades on homework that I am checking to make sure is done are fine, it is the tests my daughter is taking in class that she is failing. Because I am quizing my dd on the info at home prior to the test, I can only conclude that she is failing these tests on purpose. I just don't get this whole thing. We restricted alot of her activities, explained that those are priviledges and if she wants them back this is what she needs to do. Yet she is not doing what we expect. So I sit here and I am thinking this must be some kind of a game with her, that she thinks we are playing.....and I think she wants to see me crack. I have an 8 & 9 year old that are seeing what happens....so I know I need to win this one as an example to them. If this was a game of chess I honestly think she has me in check mate. Hope that is the right term, I don't play chess. She is such a stronger willed child then I was, dang I would have been kissing my parents butt to get stuff back. So I need to figure out how to handle this when she gets home from school...... I am so open to suggestions.

 

[baronmom]

No ideas for ya. I am dealing with my ds who will not apply himself at all. He thinks that as long as he passes, that is good enough. I can't wait for him to graduate and then I don't have to deal with him and his attitudes. :grouphug: Hope all works out for you.

 

[pip]

No ideas for ya. I am dealing with my ds who will not apply himself at all. He thinks that as long as he passes, that is good enough. I can't wait for him to graduate and then I don't have to deal with him and his attitudes. :grouphug: Hope all works out for you.

I am in the same boat! At least my son is now interested in graduating....and he is such a bright guy. Maybe time will heal.

 

[maryhannahkali]

I finally decided I should make my first post here, and I pick this one. My oldest dd is 16 and about 2 months ago I found out she had a 'forbidden' myspace page. Thankfully, there was nothing bad on it, but that wasn't the point. I grounded her for a month. No phone, no computer, no radio, no iPod, no going out, no nothing! What made it worse for her is that all my kids are homeschooled, so she didn't get to see any of her friends. I thought she was going to lose her mind being stuck at home for a month! And my dh made her write a 10 page report about the issues with teenagers having myspace pages.

Thankfully, she knows that neither me or my dh will budge an inch. She can be as stubborn as she wants, but it will only make her life more miserable. (Oh heck, if only my 6 year old would figure that out!)

There's got to be something left that she has that if you took it from her, she'd be shocked.

Good luck! Teenagers are rough.

 

[kaykwilts]

I agree that teenagers can be rough. I have teenage girls who are nearly 17 and 14 1/2. It's a battlefield every day.

 

[Hollyhandi]

Just watch it because she can go to school and tell the school your taking her stuff away and things.
Kids are doing that here and parents are getting visits from the police for child abuse.
Schools are telling the kids here that if the parents do this its child abuse.
My parents would have rapped us into next week and a trip to the woodshed.

My 17 year old just got suspended from school 5 days. there is not a thing I can do that would faze him.
I told him then tell your boss your working every day. Today its a blizzard all day so he's not working because no one can be on the roads

Good Luck your in for alot more years of it...........:bang:

 

[FreesiaE]

I'd surprise her by redoing her room. I'd take out all but the basics. She'd have to earn the rest back. That would mean no TV in the room, no radio, no phone, no fun magazines/books, video games, etc. I'd just have the bed, desk, and school clothes. I'd make her have study time in front of me in the "boring" dining room.

 

[Nemeweh]

I have an 11 yr old (will be 12 at the end of this month) who has never done as well as we would like in school. She has been diagnosed with ADHD (People with negative comments and opinions please keep them to yourself as I'm not interested in what anyone else thinks of my parenting skills or lack thereof.) in the third grade. We have since had her tested and checked by both the school and a private psychologist, and her pediatrician and then put her on the lowest dosage of meds we could. Her grades went from C's, D's, and F's to A's, B's, and C's. We've really been pushing her to bring any C's up to B's and keep them there. I have noticed a lot of her grades are dependent on how she she interacts with her teacher in that subject.

For example, she adores her homeroom/math teacher, so for the first time ever she is getting A's in Math! However, she dislikes both her social studies and science teachers and tends to do the worse in those classes.

In order to make sure she does her work for those teachers, I have to stay on top of her and constantly check her folders to make sure she doesn't try and slip one past me.

I think what I would do, is to tell my daughter that every test day I will be going to her class and will sit in that class while she takes her test. If she should fail it, then I would be having her tested for "testing disabilities/anxieties" (even if you know she doesn't have them)...if the embarrassment of having her mom sit in her class, doesn't work... then I'd talk to her teacher about grading it as soon as she was done - and if she should fail - make her retake over and over and over until she was too tired and/or embarrassed to deal with you any longer

I only had to go once to my DD's class to stop the ADD behavior (talking in class, no doing classwork) once we got her on the meds. but she knows DH and I will do whatever it takes to get her on the right track, whether it embarrasses her or not. Teaching your DD that Mom don't play, is priceless.

 

[Cricketlegs]

She is ticking it to "the Man" and you are the man. Stay with it and eventually she is going to blink.

As for the My Space..been there and done that and dealt with it ans survived to tell the tale.

We almost all have that little doozy to deal with.....grrrr

 

[yankeegal]

All good ideas thus far....
What worked for us was sending for brocheres from different private schools...I sent some to DS's email as well. Signed up for a few open houses at said schools to check them out. Once DS realized that we were serious about moving him to a new school-away from his friends, unless his grades improved-motivated him very quickly to change his attitude. Everything he does is dependent on his grades-if he goes out, if he works, if he drives, etc...It is hard, but if he looks back as an adult and says "My parents made me work hard, and do well in school"-I can live with that. Good luck-I know it isn't easy!

 

[justpeachy92]

She has no phone or computer priviledges at this time, she can only use the computer if she can prove a need for homework and then my dh or I sit right here so we can make sure she isnt' straying from the homework.
She lost her Ipod and her stereo, she never had a tv in her room. The only things in her room are bed, dresser, clothes, lamp, alarm clock and her art supplies that are needed for her advanced art classes at school. She has weekly art sketch assignments. She also knows that we are looking at other schools for next year, and we will be attending one of the open houses at a private school not far from us next month. I sit here and I remember a conversation I had with my parents when I was a teenager. My mom told me she hopes I have a kid that acts just like me, since my dd was born extended family have said she acts just like me. I remember thinking if I had a kid that was like me I would understand her. So here I sit with a child that everyone says acts just like me and I don't understand her. I will admit that being a teen today has to be harder then it was when I was her age....just because of how much more the kids are exposed to thanks to all these technological advances. Why isn't there a book about parenting in a myspace world? Seems all I can really do is love her and keep trying to guide her down a good path.

 

[MarshHen]

Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagers! After reading your post, it does appear that she is playing a game with you and it appears she is willing to do whatever she can to make you fold. The best advice I can give you is for you to stick to your guns and not give in to her. It appears she has learned how to push your buttons, so you must learn how to push hers. I totally agree with maryhannahkali. There has to be that one thing that will make her sit up and take notice if it's taken away from her. I'm not sure what kind of punishment has been given to her, but for my DD, she looses everything she holds dear, except food, LOL. She may put up a brave front for a day or two that it doesn't bother her, but it's not long before she caves since she knows I won't. She did try once in 5th grade to get me back with the bad grades, but it backfired on her when I set it up with her teacher to have her attend Saturday school. That was the end of that, LOL!

Be creative with her punishment, be strong, and never, ever, let her know that she is getting the better of you. After all, two can play the game!

Oh, by the way, I'm on my third round in dealing with teenagers. It does get easier.

 

[Nemeweh]

Peachy, I'm positive you're doing a great job, and are a great mom! Even if she does act just like you, that just means someday she'll be a great mom who cares and pays attention, just like you!

I don't understand my kids either. DS is one of those "throws himself backwards and smacks his head on anything and everything" kind of temper tantrum kids. I'm constantly questioning his intelligence level, as smacking ones' head on the floor has got to hurt, which would teach that person not to do it again... right?

also, I hope my part about not wanting to hear opinions on adhd didn't come out too harsh. I've just been put down for it so much, I can't hear it anymore.

 

[freedeal]

I have a 15 yo DS and a 12 yo DS. I will say that I have never had any trouble other than an occassional sass back from the 15 yo - so my advice may not be exactly what you are looking for but I'll share our method (my husband dealt with the criminal kids -murderers, rapist, etc for the first 10 years of his career - now he deals with schizopherinics almost exclusively).

Each day no matter what both of my children have a share time with me for at least 30 minutes. We can talk about anything from school and school projects, grades, etc. or what they want me to buy at the grocery store next time. Sometimes its sports just whatever. You would be surprised at how much I learn about them. DH hubby also has his time but usually it is politics or sports with them. I learn which teachers they like, which they don't.

Next, they know that I can and will find out what they have viewed on the internet. Before I ever gave them their own computers, I reminded them that I can "find" what sites they visited, etc. I DO look. Not often but I do and I tell them. As far as myspace - I understand kids want this to be able to keep up with their friends. I don't mind myspace as long as I have all the passwords to get on and check it out. There use to be another site may still be around called Xanga. Every morning after the kids were off to school I would go and read the messages of the people sites my older DS was friends with. I knew who broke up with who - all the teenage drama.

Also, as soon as my son turned 13 he knew that at any point I could and would do a random drug test. I haven't had to do this but I will if I ever even slightly suspect anything.

As far as grades go. Especially with a high schooler or a child taking high school classes in Jr High. Research with the child the schools he may want to go to. Do this early like 8-9th grades. Look at GPA and SAT scores. Give them a goal and a reason to want to make an A instead of a B. My son does extremely well in some subjects. The first couple of tests he had in American Government he didn't study. He knew he would do well because he knew the subject. First test he made a 97 and the second he made a 92. I showed him where each grade fell on the GPA scale. One class like that won't make a difference but 10 classes will move him out of the top 5%. Doesn't seem like a big deal but one is an A and one is a B. After that he started to study even if "he didn't need to".

I wrote all of that to say that sometimes we just need to understand where a child is coming from. I am all for punishment but I would first like to know the reason for the behavior. Seems trivial but it may just be that one of her friends has been giving her a hard time - she may not want you to know. Or she is feeling insecure about something - maybe everyone is wearing a certain type of lip gloss and she doesn't have it. Teenagers can be difficult to figure out (LOL)

My son was having a hard time in Chemistry and I knew he could do the work. My educational background is in Chemistry so he would come home and I would re-teach what he was suppose to get in class. He would say they teacher didn't explain things and he couldn't follow her. She was the WORST TEACHER EVER -according to him. Well, when I took him to get his driver's permit he couldn't pass the eye exam. When he got his contacts he said the reason he couldn't figure out what she was saying was he couldn't see the notes on the board that she put over to the side for each class. He said he never knew he was supposed to copy all that stuff down. Well, the teacher turned out to be a great teacher - once he could see the notes - imagine the teacher didn't have to change at all - and now she tutors him in Physics if there is a concept he can't get.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this but I have seen bad kids (those that murder, etc.) and I have seen kids that just need some extra (maybe a lot extra) guidance.

 

[freedeal]

WOW - that was long. SORRY

 

[GMA21]

I understand what you are going through as my oldest DD is also a very strong willed child and like you I would take privledges away & like your daughter this seemed to NOT bother my DD either I tried talking to her & explain things to her but to no avail because it seemed like all I was doing was :bang:
Just keep doing what you are doing & I hope your DD will see you were just looking out for her because you love & care for her like all us parents do. :grouphug:

 

[littlemotherhaywood]

I fear the day that I have a teenager...especially after reading all of these stories. My dd is just like me. She's stubborn and sensitive and smart and we butt heads constantly. I don't understand her now so I have no clue how I'll understand her when she's a teenager. She's only seven but she has six careers she wants to consider...all but one are science based so I'm optimistic that if her desire to pursue any of those continues, so will her hard work ethic in school. I hope you can get to the root of the problem with your dd. I'm sorry I don't have any advice.

 

[Edna_E]

I'm a survivor! Been there and done much of that, though mine did not ever get suspended. The motivator for him was that he wanted VERY badly to go out-of-state to go to college. Since I work for a state university, I told him that I would only contribute what it would cost for him to stay home and go to school here, and that he had to figure out how to make up the difference. In his sophomore year he suddenly realized that "Colleges don't take your senior year grades into account for applications and scholarships, do they? I mean, they can't because they don't have them when they're making decisions!" Suddenly, he was trying to dig himself out of mediocre grades, and HOW!!!! He graduated as the last person in the top 10% of his class, but with extremely high grades in his AP classes and several high scores on AP exams, and with recognition in the National Merit Scholarship competition. All without stopping his tutoring at the Boys and Girls club and church activities. I hardly recognized him! I could not control him from about 6th grade (when he found out that he was bigger and stronger than me) and there seemed to be no punishment nor reward that affected him at all. His own ambition was the saving grace. Hope yours finds their own motivator soon, and that you can be patient in the meantime.

 

[claimsgirl66]

I am the parent of a former strong willed teenage girl, as I posted before. Having a sport or activity which required at least a B average kept her in line at times. But once they decide to push your buttons well....it can be hard. However if she continues to fail a class, won't she have to go to summer school to make it up or be held back? Do you think bringing up this possibility ( either you or her teacher) will make her look at the big picture? She just wants to hurt you now, but she is really hurting her self in the long run.

A co-worker has a 13 yr old step son who is very defiant. They ended up taking away all is "toys" and had to hammer it in that his Xbox and the like were privileges. But the only thing that sunk in was the fact he might have to stay back a year in school and then be in the same classes as his little brother. So he tried a bit harder and did bring up his grades. I wish I could tell you it gets easier...chin up, this too shall pass!

 

[kaykwilts]

at She also knows that we are looking at other schools for next year, and we will be attending one of the open houses at a private school not far from us next month.

Around here private schools are very expensive like $4,000 for one year and that does not even include uniforms and other fees.