[arnie]

My DH and my DD (from previous marriage) have had problems getting along for years. There was not any particular issue that occurred between them that I am aware of. They just are not close. My DH and SS have had issues in the past and I think DD has been intimidated by their arguments. This past summer, DH decided that my DD needed to move out since she did not contribute any to the household in the sense of helping around the house, and due to his jealousy over the amount of time that my DD spent with her bf 's family due to some problems that they were dealing with. My DD and I have had a pretty close relationship and now she is engaged. DH has told me that he will NOT attend the wedding and we are NOT helping her in anyway. In fact, if she winds up having children they are not welcome in our house. As you can imagine, I am caught in the middle and pretty distressed about it. I have asked my DD to reach out to DH, but she never does. What can I do?
I just want peace!!!!

 

[LynnLC]

DH was jealous of your DD? He is stating DD or her future child are not welcome in the home? You have quite an issue on your hands. IMHO, he would be history.

I hope you come to some peace with this situation.

 

[carlitasway]

I personally couldn't stay with a man that would make me choose between him and my child. I wish you the best in figuring this situation out.

 

[FrabjousDay]

From your brief description, why would your daughter want to reach out to him???

HE tossed her from the house. HE is jealous. HE has said he won't attend her wedding. HE has said any children she has are unwelcome. Yikes.

 

[Lady_V]

um... ditto the first 2

I couldn't live in emotional isolation -- and to say that not only my DD but future grandkids aren't allowed in MY house???? pfft... they will ALWAYS be welcome in MY house, even if it means it's not HIS house.

Best of luck on this one.

 

[McD]

I would never stay with a man that would make me pick between my child and him.

 

[CrazyCat]

Yes..i'm with LadyV on this.

I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.

 

[Russ]

Playing devils advocate here...
(NOT MY OPINION)

A divorce is VERY VERY hard, not an easy thing to decide and I'm thinking Arnie LOVES her DH. That in mind, how hard would it be to file for a divorce from someone you dislike vs someone you LOVE?

Just more to think about and again > (NOT MY OPINION)

 

[nodmicks]

I would be more than hurt and furious at your dh's statement. If I had to pick between my child and dh my child will always win and I love dh as much as life its self!

 

[onencgirl]

I would never allow a man to come between me and my child(den).

 

[mamachop]

From what you stated in your post, I don't think I could blame your DD for not wanting to reach out to your DH. I hate to say it, but from what you said, I think your DH is the one with a major problem.

There has to be something that was said or done between the two for things to be that bad.

Just my opinion, I would not let anyone come between me and my child or children, DH included.

 

[zakity]

Yeah, I agree with the whole "choosing thing". If I had to choose between a husband and a child. The husband goes. I don't care how much I love him. My opinion would be that he obviously doesn't love me that much if he is making me choose.

And, if your name is on the house, it is half yours and if he can say that she and the kids can't come in, then you can say that she and the kids can. It is your house also.

Good luck. It sounds like a tough situation.

 

[arnie]

Yes I love DH.
DH has raised my DD 20 since she was 4. In my mind, my DD resents some of my DH bad habits. While he has been good father, he has been over protective and strict with the kids. I think he has wanted to be close to my DD but she has not been close with him. One of the things that he says hurts him is that she has never called him on his cell phone in the 15 yrs we have been together. It may seem trivial, but I do understand how that might be hurtful.
I really feel stuck in the middle, and that really hurts. I should be exicted and wanting to help her plan her wedding, but spending time with her seems to hurt him more because in (his mind) he says she acts like he is invisible. So Yes I feel like I am being asked to choose.
Not fun.

 

[bookwormpeg]

I would not allow anyone to come between me and my children. Time for husband to grow up or he would be sitting on the curb no matter how much I loved him.......HE needs to be the parent and reach out to your daughter NOT the other way around...good luck....

 

[Sara Noel]

It is my sincere wish that your daughter cuts ties and lives a happy life because she deserves better than this. It is also my wish that she doesn't waste a minute more of her life trying to make sense of what is absolutely senseless.

Banning children before they are even born?

As a survivor of a dysfunctional family, all I can say is that you don't get to pick the people that breed ya, but you sure as heck can pick the people that bleed ya.

 

[Palooka]

I'm going to say something from a different angle. I wonder how many here that have commented have ever been a step-parent? It's very challenging to say the least.

Your DH probably feels hurt because he spent time raising her and he never got credit, probably never will, but only from you. Not all step-kids come around, no matter what the step-parent does, so I'm guessing he is lashing out because he is angry and hurt. Yep, step-parents can get hurt.

However, it's his job to reach out to her, not the other way around. He really needs to grow up and deal with his emotions. I hope he doesn't mean what he say's. If he does, well....of course my kids come first.

I can totally understand you feeling 'stuck in the middle.'

 

[Nishu]

Arnie, have you had issues with your dh in the past? I may be thinking of someone else, but I seem to remember you feeling that you wanted to leave your dh just maybe a year ago. Are you still considering it?

In any case, I'd do what I wished without being secretive or antagonistic and just let the chips fall where they may. He's being unreasonable and controlling. Sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Paws]

Depending on the laws in your state, whether your name is on the house or not, it may be half yours anyway...something to consider or look into.

You really need to do some deep soul searching...either put up with the petty behavior by your DH and miss out on your DD's wedding and future or make a stand and have all. NO ONE should EVER make you choose between your own child(ren) and them...very controlling behavior...not very healthy...raises red flags...:skept:

If my dh attempted this with me and my children,((my ds is dh's stepson)), he would be out the door so fast, he would be wondering what hurricane just blew him through the door...yes, I love my hubby, but I would never tolerate this type issue.

I truly wish you the best of luck with this problem, and I'll be praying you'll find a peaceful solution. :hugz:

 

[mom21ofeach]

I am sure being a step-parent is hard. My sister is a step-parent, and I have many friends who are as well. The best relationships between step-parents and kids I have seen are those where the adult does not try to parent the child. I know it is difficult, especially when the kids are small, but the new spouse is not the parent and should not expect to be treated like one. That is not to say the adult should put up with misbehavior or abuse from the child. It is a tricky situation, and one I have seen several second marriages fall apart over.

You said your husband was strict with your kids. It is very possible they are resentful of him. Have you tried to talk to your daughter honestly? What may have been well meaning parenting on your husbands part could very well have come off as being mean to a young child. She may feel as if you chose your husband over them if you tolerated what she considered mean behavior. Just throwing out ideas.

Your husband is being unreasonable, as others have stated. Do not allow him to come between you and your kids. That is unfair. The fact that he is making you choose is, in my opinion, a form of abuse.

 

[krbshappy71]

Hugs to you. I am so sorry you are going through this. My mom is VERY controlled by my dad, he could totally make her ban any of us kids, she would totally do it. I've been disowned twice.

I, on the other hand, would walk away from anyone that tried to control me in that way. I grew up watching her be controlled and have big relationship issues sometimes because I view almost anything a guy does as controlling. Really annoying habit of mine.

That being said, I just found out I'm going to be a grandma, and there's noooooo wayyyyy any man would tell me what I can and cannot do for my grandchild both financially and physically as far as having them visit, etc.

If my daughter was violent, lying, stealing, those types of behavior then I would probably bow to the the request that she not be allowed in my house because that would be putting his life and valuables at risk in our own house. But I would still pursue my relationship with her outside of that "rule" if it was put in place. So I guess we don't know all the details obviously and there are some situations where yes I would probably bend. But not seeing my grandbaby? Cannot imagine that being put upon me.

I hope you can find a resolution, some boundaries that you can both agree to, rather than this "all or nothing" blanket situation.