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We just moved my Dad here a year ago. He is now 87 - turning 88 this summer.

He lived 8 hours away and I have 2 special needs needs which made it difficult for me to always drop things and run down there. He got to the point to where he was calling 911 for every little sniffle. There was family there who talked a big talk but no one would visit him or care for him.

He refuses to get out and meet people. He is so negative that the people he does meet wants nothing to do with him. He has talked with extended family and said that we put him up in a dump and now they will not communicate with us. (We place we got him in is much nicer than the house he had. I was so embarrassed of the home I grew up in I seldom invited friends over.) Last night at a dinner party he referred to his place as a prison. I am quickly loosing any feelings because of his lack of gratefulness. People here are shocked when I tell them the name of his apartments. They always say..."those are those nice ones on X street aren't they??". Ugh!

He is also forgetful. He will misplace them and then accuse us of stealing from him. His latest is that he is accusing me of stealing his Pyrex casserole pans.

I need to here from someone who has been here.
 

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I was just talking to my husband about how we are their children and in a sense they become our children. I am not caring for my mom but she will be 80 in September. I also remember my parents taking care of my grandma. God bless you for taking care of him and you will problably have to let go of the ungrateful attitude. Unfortunately I think that comes with age. My mom is also very negative and hard to be around for very long. Although she has been that way all of her life. Please, please try to ignore what others say (you know what you are doing). The ones who aren't in the situation and/or who are not helping are always the first to judge. If you can, e-mail them and tell they to go check the place out for themselves maybe that will shut them up. And the stealing thing; I still remember my grandma doing that. Its their forgetfulness, not you. Hang in there and remember you will be blessed for what you are doing and those judging; what goes around comes around.
 

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I took care of my dad for the last few years of his life. He had been the most agreeable person and stayed that way for the most part. there were a few times when he was irrational in his thinking and that was due to age. He was never like that before. The older a person gets and things start not working and things they used to be able to do are not possible or even safe it is hard for them to deal with emotionally. Some do better than others. Often it comes out in anger.

I don't know how your father was in his younger days, he may have always been a grump.

As for the things he tells others that are not true, unless they come to visit him and see for themselves what his living conditions are they should take what he says with a grain of salt. If they are/were so concerned they would be there to see he was safe. I'm sorry that you are doing the very best you can and people who should be sharing the burden with you are just willing to just take his word for it. You know the truth of the situation and at least you are doing something for him.
 
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Your dad sounds pretty typical--I worked for a long time in a geriatric psychiatric facility. Many of the people I took care of were really the family members who were making some tough decisions about what to do with mom or dad. The difficult and often really obnoxious behavior is a combination of losing their independence and associated grief and anger, and loss of their ability to function-mentally and shysically and the associated grief and anger. You need to try to find some support for yourself as what you are doing is hard, very hard. Another consideration is that there is some dementia and/or "Old Timer's" disease which opens up a whole new can of worms. Consult a doctor-who should help you deal and can clarify some of your concerns.:flowers:Hang in there!
 

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I'd like to recommend to you a book called "The 36 Hour Day". It's really geared towards the extreme end of caring for an elder with dementia - but you really have to have a game plan, like you did when your children were small. The anger and resentment is common, it comes with the frustration and embarassment when our elder is actually having a 'good' moment, and has to deal with the realization of something they've done. Sometimes the moments when they 'go back' and are recounting tales of days gone, they seem happy and it's a small relief.
 

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I just want to tell you that I really do feel for you. I know how trying this is. I have been there myself. I am not sure why they become so demanding and sometimes soooo mean.

We had my MIL in a 2600.00 per month (self pay) private senior home and you would have thought by listening to her that we had her living in a cave. Uhg!
 

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It's awfully hard to hear what he's saying, but try to remember you're doing the best for him and that if everyone else were so worried they'd check the situation out for themselves. :hug2:
 

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It's definitely a difficult situation. We have both of my parents in the house with us now. The dementia hasn't gotten bad yet. My mom is good-natured but tends to mix everything up in her head. For example, if you tell her you're going to the doctor tomorrow, in an hour it's to the dentist yesterday. My dad's always been a grump and it's getting worse but I can still handle it.
:hug2: to you!
 

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I think people get grumpy as they get older. My bil is only 60 but he had a stroke and it turned him into a depressed poor me type person. I take my hat off to you for taking care of you dad. What other people think doesn't matter they are not there helping you.
Fern
 

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We took care of my FIL for the last year of his life. It was difficult at best, he was 92 and missing my MIL who had passed away 4 years earlier. He didn't want to live and was extremely angry and grumpy most days! There were days I didn't think I could stand it anymore but we got through it.
 

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My FIL lives with us. At times it is difficult...he is sooooo stubborn! But I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
 

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I cared for my mother for almost 6 years before she died. She had many things wrong with her INCLUDING Alzheimer's. If possible, you need to go to the doctor with your loved one to see, hear, comment and have some input.

Please get the book - The 36 Hour Day. If at all possible, join a support group. I found a monthly support group for Alzheimer's caregivers at a local hospital. It was wonderful to be around people that were going through the same things that I was! We would discuss the different medications our loved ones where taking, dosages, combinations, side effects, etc. We could all give tips, tricks, solutions for solving problems such as incontinence, wandering off, not sleeping at night, bathing, eating, etc.

It was a life saver for me! You are going to have to develop a tough skin when it comes to the comments from your loved one. You also need to know and be aware that the situation is going to become MORE difficult as time goes on and that it is not going to get better.

You also need to not worry about what others think of you. As long as you know you are doing the best that you possibly can, that is all that matters. None of my family really helped care for my mom. And I told more than one of them if they thought they could do a better job, then they could take mom to live with them - THAT shut them up. I also suggested they come and help out with mom, take her out to eat, etc. and noone EVER did it.

I did not waste my time and/or energy being mad or upset with these people. I focused on what was important - my mother, my husband, and myself.

Good Luck! You are on a difficult road, but it is not for the faint of heart. I was not a perfect daughter, but I did the best that I could and I wouldn't trade it for anything!
 

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OH YES. Dad lives with my sister in another state..but they 'fly' him to my house for 6 weeks at a shot~very difficult as I don't even have a bedroom for him.

Plus..he doesn't have a car up here...and is very angry I won't let him drive my chevy avalanche. BUT...he's never even owned a truck....and he's certainly not learning on mine.~at 86~!! We had a bad moment when he found out my 16 year old was driving my vehicle. (he needs 50 hrs to get his license)~

He SCREAMED at me....the HELL with you...PISS on you....you let HIM drive (referring to my 16 yr old)~but you dont' let ME. Hey...I'm over it...but I can't seem to forget it...Y/K? I just call him on it whenever he's mean....(and thats often). ~the other day he called my a 'pansy' because I wouldn't let him talk about how he lost a chunk of his finger..and how they sewed it back up...at the dinner table!!! So...I told him I didn't appreciate him calling me names either.

Calgon..take me away~!!!!:jug:
 
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