Frugal Village Forums banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband and I have no debt, and though he has improved immensely through the years, I'm still getting really fed up with his old ways creeping back. He had credit card debt when we married 10 years ago, and I had a student loan debt that was paid off in 2010... our story is a long one, but basically, he has an addiction to buying Transformers.

We believe that husbands are the heads of their household, so I am doing everything in my power to be a submissive and supporting wife. But at the same time, I have a hard time not FREAKING OUT over those stupid toys. He agreed that he needs a "spending money" limit and gives himself $60 a month. We have a budget, and it always seems like he finds these creative ways to dance around it.

For example, his $60 a month really just becomes his "Transformers money." It was *supposed* to be for take-out, date night, or whatever. But his $60 is gone in one shot, and then he gets take-out on top of that. And we haven't gone out on a date in months. And then he says he's going to sell a bunch of Transformers and use that money to buy other ones (fine, whatever), and they're just sitting there on eBay, not selling. So then he SHOPS on eBay, even though he doesn't have any money (it's spent), and then there is this so-called "amazing" deal that he'll never have a chance to get again (or so he convinced himself) and that he absolutely *must* get it. So there goes $236 on Rodimus Prime.

I feel like my nagging is what keeps it from getting out of control. So annoying. I don't want to say anything about it, but I'm afraid we'll go into debt if I don't. Let alone trying to actually save more than a piddly little emergency fund.

I can usually reason with him, he'll eventually see his error, and counselling with the pastor helps. But then he does his mental gymnastics again and we're back to the same ol' same ol'.

Any recommendation for a book that might help him rewire his brain? His parents definitely don't help. "Oh, everybody has their 'thing.'" And they'll coddle him and stuff (especially his mother; "But I'm just 'encouraging' him!")
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
I was scanning through the Dave Ramsey books, and one that I came across is titled "More than Enough." Would this be a good book? I think the root of his issues are discontentment with what he has. He always has to have more. Whether it's food, or drink (thankfully no drunkeness, though... but he is a BIG GUY and can down a whole bottle of wine easily without being drunk), or whatever. My pastor describes it like an all-consuming black hole vortex thing.

Is that what the book primarily addresses?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
469 Posts
I don't have a specific DR book to offer; although I do think DR comes across a LOT more convincingly to people who LISTEN to him and THEN go read his books rather than read first. Is there any way you could download the podcast of a bunch of his shows onto your husband's smart phone/ipod (assuming he has one of those) and encourage him to listen to them on his commute? Lately, I've been really impressed how much "gentler" DR is toward people that are struggling to grasp and apply his concepts, both on family ethics and on finances. He uses some vocabulary now that is so encouraging and respectful (kudos to him for learning to do that with people). Maybe that would speak family responsibly to your husband in a way you haven't been able to. It might be worth a try. . .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
76 Posts
I like the book The Total Money Makeover. It got me into Dave Ramsey. I agree with Oowl about the podcasts. I listen to them often. They're really helpful, and free!

I think it's important that you do say something about what he is spending. Sometimes being submissive can really backfire. You don't want him to repeat the past and hurt your financial future. I also like Suze Orman's podcasts. The latest one has a couple who she counsels. The man has far too much debt and she warns the woman not to marry him. It would ruin her, financially. Suze is kind about it, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
895 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,930 Posts
Your man is acting like a boy. Children cannot lead. What he is doing is committing financial infidelity. A man leads,has integrity,puts the needs of his family above the needs of himself. a child buys toys to play w/.
If you are Christian remind him that false idol come in many shapes. I would highly recommend personal counciling for him. He is seeking outside validation which means he need work on the inside.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
76 Posts
Ayanka,
I'm glad you could get them. I look forward to listening to that show each week. I play a Dave Ramsey podcast while I knit, too. It's entertaining and educational.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
423 Posts
Transformers? Age 29?

My grandsons have them, we give them gift cards for birthdays, Christmas.
But this doesn't sound like a money problem, you're probably going to have to finish raising him, lol. But how about friends, are his friends way outside of his age-group?
What does he do the rest of the time - a job? school?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,916 Posts
Submissive? Because of religion or ???? You lost me right there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
955 Posts
My husband is a geek who also loves all things cartoon/comic book. If he wanted to collect Transformers I would have no problem with him doing so. In his case, he reigned himself in, but the point still stands. I remember talking with a co-worker a few years after I got married (25 years ago) and she was proudly bragging about how she had "made him stop collecting his comic book". I was appalled.

While I am not "submissive" to my husband per se, I do believe that as adults we have the right to have some money to spend as we wish. Now granted, bills need to be paid first. But since you have stated you have no debt and I assume your monthly bills are being paid, it appears to really come down to two things:

1) you are not comfortable with the amount of money being put into long term savings
2) you are not happy allowing your husband to decide for himself how much money he can spend on his "toys" each month.

Again, so long as your bills are being paid, you are not accumulating debt, I think this is a really minor "flaw" in your husband. If this is the worse problem that you face, I think you need to let it go.

I would talk to him about issue #1. That's a separate issue. Determine what amount of money into long term savings would make you feel more comfortable about the future and discuss that with your husband.

If you really wish to pursue this, you could try talking to him about setting up a Transformers/Toys specific spending category, separate from all other spending, including his allowance. Ask him what he feels is a reasonable amount to spend per month on that category. Before you do that, add up the Transformers related expenses for the last year and see what it actually comes out to on a monthly basis. Are we talking $100 on average or $1000? What dollar amount could you live with?

But the truth of the matter is, in my opinion you are NOT acting submissive in this matter. You are actually acting very controlling and you are not trusting either your husband or God here. I realize others don't understand the role of submission in marriage (hence the sarcastic comments I see in this thread). I'm not particularly religious myself nor am I submissive to my husband, per se. But if you choose to follow those teachings, then you need to follow them. You are essentially either in or not. That doesn't mean you have to be a door mat or that you are not allowed to speak up at all. But it does mean you need to recognize when to let things go. You have stated you have no debt, but you are afraid you will have it in the future. You are living your life from a place of fear, not a place of faith.

I would feel differently if you indicated any other issues - drinking, violence, drugs, partying at strip clubs. But a guy that wants to buy Transformers toys? Really??? That's the worse thing you can say about your husband??? Embrace the boyish quality and let him be.

What's actually stopping you from setting up a date night with your husband? Why is it reliant on his allowance?
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top