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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know this is going to confuse most, and I guess what I'm looking for is suggestions on how to make our situation work... how to help DH to understand my frugality & support it.
DH & I keep (mostly) seperate finances. We have both been married before, & we each have a child from that first marriage. No children together. We each have individual checking, savings, & I have retirement accounts. We also have a joint EF that would cover 6 months of BOTH of us being unemployed. VERY proud of that. We seperate bills into equal amounts (we make almost the same salary, his slightly higher than mine) and each is responsible for our assigned bills. Obviously, DH pays child support for his child. And this system seems to work...
Except, we are not on the same page when it comes to our "extra" money. He does not save for retirement. His first marriage was frugal to the extreme & he's enjoying his money now. He is responsible & carries little to no debt, but he isn't saving either. He also likes to eat out. As we work together & have lunch together most days, this affects me DAILY. He also discourages my use of the kitchen at home because he's a neat freak. I litterally have to cook when he's away. :( DH also doesn't budget. I budget to the last penny. The only way I can do everything (which does include a very unfrugal cheerleader daughter) and stay ahead is to budget. He doesn't understand that I have every penny accounted for...
Any thoughts?
 

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Who's idea was it to keep the finances separate?
 

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ah... i am so sorry...

The budget thing i have no idea... My dh use to not like anything done in the kitchen either...because he to is a neat freak and he still is...he knows that he is a neat freak and knows that he takes it to the extreme and he has started working on it.. kudos to him as i really appreciate it... I mean my dh was to the point that it there are water droplets in the sink it freaks him out...He is working on it...the kids get something out of the cupboard and they don't shut it all the way.. it simply annoys him...we have a german shephard that sheds constantly and i mean constantly...he sweeps 6 times a day and still can't get all the hair...however back to the kitchen thing..if i want to do something in the kitchen.. I do it anyway and if he starts to say something he shouldn't I just ask him if it is all going to be worth it because at this point in our marriage 20 plus years i no longer am going to be silent...he walks away and i do my thing, i clean up by wiping down the counters, sweeping the floor and doing the dishes which to anyone elses standard would be sufficient....He has to come in back of me and redo because he basically can't help it...i seriously think he can't help it... its not a point of being a control freak i seriously think he suffers from a disorder and he admits that he probably does and we are working on it together... I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the clean freak world however your husband has to make compromises because its not fair to you to not feel like you cant breathe in your own home....been there and done that and will not do it anymore..
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Greebo, it was a mutual decision before we were married. We did alot of research on this & decided it would be a good way to keep required, but potentially resented (child support) expenses a non-issue.
I admit it is not ideal, but having had a conventional 1st marriage, I have to admit the financial differences are resented if there are different priorities and a shared bank account just the same, if not more so. Money killed my first marriage. :(
 

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"Dear, you agreed, when we got married, that we'd manage our finances separately. In order for me to manage MY finances to MY satisfaction, I'm saving for retirement. If you think I'm going to then carry YOU when YOU end up broke at 65, forget it. I'll live with you, but if you can't pay your bills when we're old cause you're blowing it now, we may end up moving to something you CAN afford on just social security, if you get any.

As for the kitchen - I need to cook to keep MY finances in order. STFU."

;)

(Ok maybe I'm not the most diplomatic...)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
:lol: Although I LOVE that, I don't think it'd help!
 

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Sorry but i guess I gotta say your kidding yourselves. In the eyes of the law your money and debt are one. As if your retirement. Especially in the eyes of the law.
It doesn't matter what happened before as much as what's happening right now.
The house is 1/2 yours and you should cook in it if you like. You'll clean up, your a big girl. It does kinda seem like your both playing "whose in control". Him about the kitchen,you about spending.
 

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Perhaps your conversation with husband should be about long term financial goals? Can a percentage of the "extra" money be saved toward something the 2 of you will enjoy together? Can you have a third for retirement, a third to long term goals and a third to be frivolous with?

As for the kitchen... it isn't HIS kitchen and it isn't YOUR kitchen. He can always be welcome to clean up after you cook but you are going to cook no matter what.
 
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Sorry but i guess I gotta say your kidding yourselves. In the eyes of the law your money and debt are one.
That's state dependent. In many states if one spouse runs up debt in their name only, the other spouse is not liable.
 

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That's state dependent. In many states if one spouse runs up debt in their name only, the other spouse is not liable.
Yup! And I think there is only four states like this the last time I read about it. It's something I checked before I married the second time. :)
 

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I think if you have separate accounts and finances then you really have no say so over how he chooses to spend any extra, nor does he. Maybe in his mind, if you would tighten up the reigns on the unfrugal cheerleader kid, you would have more money to go out to eat with him.Everyone is a critic when it comes to money and how it is spent.Especially if it is not THEIR money, and your husbands money is not your money.It is your house together, so I would cook all you want. And it is easy to just say no on the offers to eat out. To me, if the object of this situation is to avoid resentments- it's not working.
 

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http://www.bills.com/blog/is-my-spouse-liable-for-my-credit-card-debt/

There are only 9 states where you can be liable for spousal debt even if you didn't sign up - they are "community property" states.

The rest - no.
So there is more now or maybe I didn't remember the exact number because this was about 8 years ago that I read about it.

Where in the link does it say the states because I'm curious which ones. Maybe I missed it. I think Neveda and Cali is one.
 

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Spousal liability in community property states
Let us tackle the difficult states first -- the community property states. The community property states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington or Wisconsin.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Trust me. I would be much more resentful of the mortgage payment my DH makes to his ex-wife if I had to face it every month!

I suppose I am looking for advice on how to compromise with my DH, or at the very least - help him to understand why my decisions are important to me... a sentiment I've heard in other posts and that have recieved encouraging advice.
 

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Trust me. I would be much more resentful of the mortgage payment my DH makes to his ex-wife if I had to face it every month!

I suppose I am looking for advice on how to compromise with my DH, or at the very least - help him to understand why my decisions are important to me... a sentiment I've heard in other posts and that have recieved encouraging advice.
I would ask my husband to sit down with me and envision our retirement together. In my own opinion, it is easier to understand why financial decisions are important if I share a part in them , or if I see that it benefits me.If you do not share a financial future together, then I do not see how your decisions will be of much concern to your DH. Have you considered having at least one retirement fund that you contribute to equally, and that you both share? Maybe the DH just needs a little kickstart and an account that you are working with as a team may be a good learning tool. JMO.
 

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I like the above suggestion. I also think that the division of finances needs to be decided upon by each individual couple. You may want to see if you can approach the lunch out issue by asking if there is anything in particular he enjoys that you could prepare for your lunches to take to the office, just because you enjoy cooking for him.
 

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sorry, I can't think of anything for you to do other than to let him know your thoughts on the matter. Some people respond visually to charts, etc. so maybe you can show him a chart with your goals to retire together as a couple ?

i on my 3 rd divorce now so i do understand your desire to keep the finances separate, I totally get that.

there isn't much you can do to change someone so you may have to accept the facts of your situation and learn to live with them. keep the dialogue open with him though and let him know your concerns. do it in a business like and adult manner though, and try not to get preachy or bratty about it. He may actually not be thinking long term and maybe doesn't even want to think that far in advance. some people never even think retirement until the turn 65, so you may just have to guide him and be patient.

Good luck
 

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How long have you been married?

You mention that his former wife, was really frugal...

maybe he is just enjoying being able to give to you (the extravagance of lunch out), after paying the bills, and is happy to do so....., cause he loves you. You are thinking finances and he is thinking, I can do this for her so, why not....less for her to worry about.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus..........

Maybe he just needs a chance to adjust from (I am assuming every penny of his was accounted for in his previous marriage) to being able to buy you lunch...........(after his debts are paid!), cause he can.....and wants to... (not because of the kitchen, from my understanding he is in control of his money for the first time in a very long time..)

I personally would not bring the $ value of lunch into it, at first, cause I think he is doing it cause he wants to............

I would say let's make a Sat/Sunday where we can cook together (and clean together) and make a once a month cooking so it is easier on us when we get home..... (and make enough so you have left overs for a few lunches a week....) it would be fun, family affair.... and save some dollars....

not that he will know it!

then go to, let's make "a day" the special day to eat out for lunch together.... make it a date

Then move onto retirement... in a totally different conversation............
 
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