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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My dad is getting married in May. I have 'known' his fiance now, for like, 7 years or so, but I really don't know her, because I have a hard time liking her. (background, she is 2 years older than me, and dad and I's relationship crumbled not on her fault, but his to).

So, she left me this card saying she wants me to be a bridesmaid. I did not answer, and dad calls and says did you get her card?? Let her know you got it and everything, and I just feel like I really don't want to be!!! I don't really know her that well. I just feel like I HAD to be a bridesmaid. Its me, her sister, and her friend. I don't know them! Me and the bride never even talk!

The thing that really ticked me off today is when I check my e-mail and I get this:

Bridesmaids: Bridesmaid Duties in Detail - Bridesmaids Mother of the Bride - Bridesmaids - By TheKnot.com

I am geez, is being a bridesmaid all about kissing butt and buying this and that because that is NOT my thing! I don't want to kiss her butt, and geez, I dont have money to buy this dress she wants everyone to wear!!! And throw her a party?! I don't have this kinda money! I am still living in the house they are soon going to kick me out of!

And I am already making and paying for the wedding cake!

I just thought it was kinda snotty! The e-mail said hey girls, read this article. All these things would be helpful.

Well, it only says she sent it to me. You know when you send things to a bunch of people, in the to line, there a bunch of e-mails? Well, not this time.

I mean I just don't know how to feel about it. I already said yes, so I feel like I have to and I am afraid of hurting feelings, but deep down, I really am not comfortable with this marriage, or being a bridesmaid.

I am just not sure what to do here.
 

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If I were in your position I would politely decline. I would explain to her that although you had accepted her offer to begin with, after giving it further thought, you realize there is just no way it can fit into your budget. Explaining that if you were to be a bridesmaid, you feel like you would be doing her an injustice since you cannot afford to spend the money being a proper bridesmaid requires and how that is not fair to her. I would put it to her in a way that makes her feel like you are doing this in her best interest. Tell her in a way that says you are doing this so that nothing is taken away from her on her day thus helping her big day to be the most memorable day she ever has. Make her feel like you are putting her best interest at heart.

Like I said, this is how I would handle it. I am not one to do anything I am not comfortable with or cannot afford so whether or not I hurt someone else's feelings is not priority number one to me. While I do not set out to upset someone, if it comes down to their feelings versus my bills getting paid or doing something I am not comfortable with, I put myself, my hubby or my kids first.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
True! thank you! even though, if I don't have to pay for anything, I am still not comfortable with it, so I am worried she will say like, oh you don't have to pay for anything, or this or that and then I am gonna be like, oh crap.
 

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Well Ashley, you already said yes so you can either have a good attitude about it, or not and be entirely miserable the entire time. I don't see how backing out after saying yes would improve or help this already strained relationship.

So that said, since the bride to be has rudely made sure you understand what's expected of you as a bridesmaid, I suppose I would ask her when I could be expecting to hear from the other bridesmaids about the parties. If she makes it clear you are to contact them, then it looks like it sits squarely, albeit unfairly in your lap. But that's neither here nor there now that you've accepted the invitation to be bridesmaid.

Your quandary is how to pull this off as inexpensively as possible. And believe me girl, it would be a real cheap affair if she did this to me. I'm talking a punch bowl, chips, pretzels, dip and cupcakes. Dollar store favors, plates, cups, flatware. Maybe a few balloons and streamers. That bridal shower would be a $20 affair. If I was responsible for the bachelorette party also, I think you'd see pizza (the cheap ones, you know the $5 deals) a bag of chips and a punch bowl with a $5 bottle of wine, a 3 liter from the dollar store of clear soda, and some fruit punch. It's alcoholic, and cheap. Need need to provide beer/cocktails for everyone. $20 party! Color plates & cups from the dollar store. I'd look up party games for each party on the net, send out e-mail invitations to each. DONE!

And get that coupon in freebies for $10 off a $10 purchase at Hallmark and you've got the gift covered.
 

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If you think she may say that she will pay for everything, then include something in your explanation to her something about just not feeling like you can devote the time needed and how unfair that would be to her.

Also, if she offers to pay for it all you can tell her you cannot accept such a generous offer. Tell her she has enough to pay for any worry about without having the added burden of paying for your things. Keep referring back to how this is all about HER, and how you do not want to take anything away from the focus being on her through the entire process.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You are right, what is backing out going to do now, but cause a fight, or someone being upset, or me being uncomfortable ANYWAY.

I think I will just stick through it, and to be honest, I am just going to ignore this e-mail. They come from a rich family. Her parents don't approve of the wedding, so they are not paying for it, but her sister has money and I am sure her other bridesmaid does to, but I DO NOT, and she KNOWS this because obviously I am still living with dad, so if it comes up that I need to buy something, I will just politely say, I cannot afford it. As for the dress (which I had no idea I had to pay for, I assume that just my fault), if I cannot afford to buy that, then I have no idea what to do about that one.


Well Ashley, you already said yes so you can either have a good attitude about it, or not and be entirely miserable the entire time. I don't see how backing out after saying yes would improve or help this already strained relationship.

So that said, since the bride to be has rudely made sure you understand what's expected of you as a bridesmaid, I suppose I would ask her when I could be expecting to hear from the other bridesmaids about the parties. If she makes it clear you are to contact them, then it looks like it sits squarely, albeit unfairly in your lap. But that's neither here nor there now that you've accepted the invitation to be bridesmaid.

Your quandary is how to pull this off as inexpensively as possible. And believe me girl, it would be a real cheap affair if she did this to me. I'm talking a punch bowl, chips, pretzels, dip and cupcakes. Dollar store favors, plates, cups, flatware. Maybe a few balloons and streamers. That bridal shower would be a $20 affair. If I was responsible for the bachelorette party also, I think you'd see pizza (the cheap ones, you know the $5 deals) a bag of chips and a punch bowl with a $5 bottle of wine, a 3 liter from the dollar store of clear soda, and some fruit punch. It's alcoholic, and cheap. Need need to provide beer/cocktails for everyone. $20 party! Color plates & cups from the dollar store. I'd look up party games for each party on the net, send out e-mail invitations to each. DONE!

And get that coupon in freebies for $10 off a $10 purchase at Hallmark and you've got the gift covered.
 

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Personally, I think the majority of the crap on those bridesmaid's to-do lists is a joke. My wife didn't have her bridesmaids do much of anything, other than be a part of our day. We even paid for their dresses, as well as let the girls pick them out so they could wear the dresses after the wedding.

Anyway, since you said you would be a bridesmaid, I would continue to do so. I would let both her her, and your dad, know that you simply do not have the extraneous time or money to fulfill all of the functions listed on the website. This would probably mean more to your father than your new mother-in-law, but you need to let them know exactly what you can and can't do.
 

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Wow I have never been a part of a huge wedding, they've all been small and peaceful, so that seems really alien to me.

I find that kind of approach to a wedding is totally bizarre.

Congratulations, you are getting married! Now completely ruin what is meant to be a fun day to celebrate one of the most positive aspects of your life by getting really stressed out over napkins.

While you're at it, ruin the experience for your bridesmaids - who are essentially your closest female friends and family - while you're at it :skept:
 

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If you think your going to be made pay for the dress and you really can't afford it I would say something. I was asked to be in two weddings within a few months of each other and I agreed, money wasnt tight at the time and I figured I could do it.. Well a few months passed some unexpected expenses popped up and it just wasnt going to be possible. I sat down wth both brides and explain to them I just didn't have the money, I was excepting the worst but they both understood. One of the brides was given a ton of money towards her wedding and offered to buy my dress, the other was paying out of her pocket and didnt have the extra money but said she completly understood. I was beyond panicing about telling them but it ended up being the best decision.
 

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Extremely tacky of her to send out that e-mail. Also, if I'm remembering correctly, you can do "BCC" or blind carbon copies. It basically hides the e-mail addresses for privacy issues. I'm guessing that's what she did.

I wouldn't back out of being a bridesmaid. Some annoyances are worth it, just to keep the peace in your family.

I would, however, let her know that you cannot afford all of these "extras". Seems to me like she should already know, but weirder things have happened. :scratch:

Just try to have fun. The MoH should be the one doing all of the "hard" work anyway. ;) Just offer to help whenever possible, making favors or whatever.
 

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As for being in the wedding, if you don't have to pay for a thing, you already said yes so I would do it. If you are expected to pay and your dad obviously knows money is tight for you already and the relationship with fmil is not the greatest I would say no.

If your dad is pulling in the money you have said he does then all things considered he should help with the costs for you to participate in his wedding. Not make it a burden to you.

When is this wedding to take place?
 
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i think sh eis extending a olive branch - trying to mak eyou feel part of the family - you can be angry or fight it or realize the past is the past and try to make the future better .

you may well find a friend in her friend; or friends that you will meet through this- maybe someone who will take you to their church - someone to socialize with etc.

never turn up an opportunity to meet new people - esp if you dont really know them - you may find a friend -a future employer etc God works in mysterious ways !
 
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I think with all that is going on in your marriage this would be a great way for you to get your mind off of your troubles. Personally I'd do it come Hell or high water, but I would do it because I love my Dad and want him to be happy. It should be an honor to be in your Dad's wedding. Here is your chance to prove to yourself what you can do without leaning on your husband. It's not major but it is a start. Make the decision on your own and do it.

Cat
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Wow I have never been a part of a huge wedding, they've all been small and peaceful, so that seems really alien to me.

I find that kind of approach to a wedding is totally bizarre.

Congratulations, you are getting married! Now completely ruin what is meant to be a fun day to celebrate one of the most positive aspects of your life by getting really stressed out over napkins.

While you're at it, ruin the experience for your bridesmaids - who are essentially your closest female friends and family - while you're at it :skept:
Thats the funny part. This is not a huge wedding. Its at a firehall. $3000 wedding. Nothing huge at all!!

As for being in the wedding, if you don't have to pay for a thing, you already said yes so I would do it. If you are expected to pay and your dad obviously knows money is tight for you already and the relationship with fmil is not the greatest I would say no.

If your dad is pulling in the money you have said he does then all things considered he should help with the costs for you to participate in his wedding. Not make it a burden to you.

When is this wedding to take place?
I think I am just going to talk to dad about the e-mail and tell him I just don't want to take it the wrong way but I am confused by it, because they both know I cannot afford these things. The wedding is now in May.

i think sh eis extending a olive branch - trying to mak eyou feel part of the family - you can be angry or fight it or realize the past is the past and try to make the future better .

you may well find a friend in her friend; or friends that you will meet through this- maybe someone who will take you to their church - someone to socialize with etc.

never turn up an opportunity to meet new people - esp if you dont really know them - you may find a friend -a future employer etc God works in mysterious ways !
I am 100% sure she is not tying to make me feel like part of the family. She is at dads house 3 times a week, sleeps over often, never says a word to me really. Way to many hurtful things have been said about me by her, and way to many hurtful things have been done by her and my dad that affected me, that I just cannot be friends with her. Sure, I will pray for her, and I will care for her, but to become friends with her, no thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I think with all that is going on in your marriage this would be a great way for you to get your mind off of your troubles. Personally I'd do it come Hell or high water, but I would do it because I love my Dad and want him to be happy. It should be an honor to be in your Dad's wedding. Here is your chance to prove to yourself what you can do without leaning on your husband. It's not major but it is a start. Make the decision on your own and do it.

Cat
While I love my dad and want him to be happy, this wedding is still painful for me. There is SO much that happened in the past when I was really young, that its painful for me. But I am trying to leave the past behind and move forward with it. Where was dad during my wedding?? I really think the only reason they asked me to be in the wedding is so I will make the cake, and do this, and that which for me is mixed emotions because I am happy to help, but I am also annoyed by it as well because my roll in my dads life, is really, like his go to maid.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Oh, and I also decided I am going to be a bridesmaid for her, and try to make their day really special. I will do as much as I can for her, and just bite the bullet and try to deal with my anxieties about it.
 

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Oh, and I also decided I am going to be a bridesmaid for her, and try to make their day really special. I will do as much as I can for her, and just bite the bullet and try to deal with my anxieties about it.
Good for you Ashley! What doesn't kill you will make you stronger and I'm pretty certain this won't kill you. ;)
 

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While I love my dad and want him to be happy, this wedding is still painful for me. There is SO much that happened in the past when I was really young, that its painful for me. But I am trying to leave the past behind and move forward with it. Where was dad during my wedding?? I really think the only reason they asked me to be in the wedding is so I will make the cake, and do this, and that which for me is mixed emotions because I am happy to help, but I am also annoyed by it as well because my roll in my dads life, is really, like his go to maid.
Ok, then do this for you. Here is an opportunity to stand up to all that pain and overcome those feelings. If you have to tell them you are doing this for you then do it. Find that backbone that has been hiding behind your Dad and husband, stand up tall and be the woman we know you are. I know she's there because I remember her posting about getting a job she loved. SHE got it, not her Dad, not her husband, she did. I'm not bashing you I'm supporting you so go get em.:wink:

Cat
 

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Oh, and I also decided I am going to be a bridesmaid for her, and try to make their day really special. I will do as much as I can for her, and just bite the bullet and try to deal with my anxieties about it.
See there is the woman I was talking about. Good for you Ash.

Cat
 
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