Frugal Village Forums banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am not sure this is in the right place - so if it isn't please feel free to move it.

My mother passed away when I was younger. My dad remarried and has been married for 27 years. My stepmother and I have not always gotten along. For her to come into a house with 3 children and she didn't have any of her own (although she was a couple of years older than my father) was very difficult. She spent the years until I went off to college making my life difficult because to some extent I think she felt in competition with us children - I was not one of those horrible step daughters. Just the opposite. I did everything possible to please her. Anyway once I was out of the house we became friends. I even consider her a mother. My children only know her as their Grandmother and she totally adores them and they adore her.

On Monday, when she got home from work my dad was gone. She called on his cell phone to see what time he wanted dinner. He told her he couldn't live with her and he was on his way to the beach. Needless to say she is devastated. Well after a few days of back and forth talks - my dad says that he is "IN LOVE" with some other woman. I have no idea who this woman is or even care at this point. My stepmother is afraid that she is losing everyone. She was surprised when I told her that I will still be there for Easter. I don't know how my sisters will be because I get along with my stepmother the best .

I actually sat my stepmother down and wrote out specific things that she should ask for - example to stay in the house until she retires in October with my dad paying all the bills. He should keep her yard manicured. They have a huge house on the lake with a big yard.

Here is one of the biggest problems. My father "is/was" a deacon in the church. You know the type. Always preaching to my sisters about going to church, etc. How do I tell my children that he ran off with someone? My children are 12 & 15 but they have never really been exposed to divorce other than a few kids that are friends from school whose parents were divorced years ago.

I am just so mad. I don't think I could even speak to my dad right now. Cheating is one of the worst things I think a person can do. I just don't think I can pretend "we are one big happy family".

Sorry for the long vent but I can't really talk to much at home with the kids. I don't want to put down their grandfather in front of them. They love him and their is a limit to what they should know about this whole mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,281 Posts
aweeeeeeeeeeee!!! Im so sorry sorry for what your going through right now. big huuuggssss to you and your step mom.
Alot of people live in glass houses(my MIL) is one too. Always ranting off about other people, shes deffently no saint. I know for fact. My hubby caught her with his fathers brother. anyways .
Take it from me, i feel for you. And I understand how you would be upset with your dad.Just becareful not to say anything around the kids about him(meaning if your on the phone, little ears). Not meaning u will, but this coming from experience.
Yes deffently help your step mom out. . HHUUGGGSSSS
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,281 Posts
oh freedeal pm if u need me ok:hugz:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,079 Posts
youre poor stepmother, kudos to you for not abandoning her and really being her daughter when she needs you. i wouldnt talk to the kids about the specifics just yet i would let things cool and see where things are going then let them know that divorce doesnt mean you wont all be a family and that grandma is still grandma. just my advice. oh and maybe call your sibs and see where they are on this
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,412 Posts
I admire you for standing by your step-mother, and big hugs to you and your SM for such a terrible thing happening.

I agree with no talking to the kiddos yet but either way the SM will always be grandma to them and that should never change, God Bless and keep us posted.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,111 Posts
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm sending a prayer for everyone involved. Big hugs!
 

·
Member
Joined
·
27,948 Posts
I'm sorry. As far as the kids go...In my book they are old enough to know & I'd put it onto their grandfather to be the one to tell them what he's done. You play, you pay, hope it was worth it Pops. Not only did you hurt your wife you hurt many others. Boo hiss.:down: If he wanted out of the marriage he should have done that by leaving, not shacking up with some honey and saying poor misunderstood me. Doesn't fly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,255 Posts
I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time!I think if it were me, I would hold off on saying anything to the kids.Yes, they are old enough to understand. But it is still an adult matter. I would support your s-mom and continue on with family activities, with or without Dad. It would appear as yet, that your parents still have matters to be resolved, will they indeed divorce?Is there any hope of reconciliation?I would have a heart to heart with Dad as well.As deeply as I always loved my parents, this would break my heart. I wish you well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,200 Posts
Well, I can honestly say I feel for you in this matter. My Father was no saint either. I think it's totally awesome that you and your SM are close. I applaud you for not turning your back on her. I agree with the heart to heart with your father, because he needs to know that you will stand by her, even if he won't. There is never any shame in doing what is right.
Good luck with the situation and I hope it all works out for the best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
:hugz: I'm sorry to hear about that. At 12 and 15, your kids are old enough to probably hear some details. I would probably say that you don't agree with what you father did and that you'll still keep in close touch with grandma. Time will tell more details.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,338 Posts
Bless you for doing what's right and standing by your stepmother and giving her the support and encouragement she needs right now. I'm sure after this her self-confidence and self-esteem have hit an all-time low and this is when people feel that everyone is against them. So make sure you tell her every chance you get that you are there to love and support her.

As far as your pea-brained father. I guess I've always been the type that doesn't create confrontation (some have called it running away from my problems). I'd just let him go off and do 'his thing'. Your actions will tell him who you support -- your stepmother not him.

The kids are old enough to know, and are probably already guesssing, that something is going on. Just explain to them that grandma and grandpa are having troubles and that you feel that grandpa is not treating grandma with the respect she deserves. Tell them that grandma needs their love more now that ever. Other than that, right now who grandpa decides to 'be in love with' or 'shack up with' is really none of their concern or worry.

My prayers are with you and your stepmother that you have the strength and faith that things will work out for the best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,293 Posts
:hugz: I'm sorry you're family is going through this. You are doing the right thing in sticking with your stepmother at a time when she really needs you the most and helping her out. It is so sad that there are people who "forget" their wedding vows.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,346 Posts
My own father "got a girlfriend" after 22 years of marriage to my mother. They divorced when mom found out, but he had been making plans to move out while mom and my younger brother were on a vacation a few weeks later.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,454 Posts
I am sorry your going thru this and good for you for standing with her. As far as the kids they are old enough to know the truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
Is he having some sort of mid-life crisis? Wow. What a mess! I am sure your stepmother appreciates you being there as she must be distraught.

I agree with most folks that kids that age are old enough likely to catch on and know the truth...to an extent. If it appears a done-deal that a divorce is in the works and they will not reconcile, then I see no need to lie to the kids. They do not need to know the gory details though. I guess an age appropriate summary is in order. I think there likely is enough stress going on in the family, and having to lie to kids will just add another "thing" to deal with. Best wishes for dealing with this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,241 Posts
This is hard on everyone now but time heals many wounds. I've been there. Dad cheated on my Mom and she divorced him. Things were very bitter for awhile and we all tended to take Mom's side.

I have never discussed this in detail with my dd and she is 15 and they were divorced long before she was born. She has asked my Mom why they split up but all my Mom will say is that they grew apart and decided to divorce. Best to leave the ugly details out and answer questions right away so they will stop asking.

Of course when it first happened I was angry and disgusted, too but that wears off over time.

DD saw how well her other Grandparents got along (fighting and swearing at each other all the time) and so she knows how people sometimes stay together for no good reason and others go their seperate ways and are happier for it.

She still wants to get married. Divorce has not ruined her faith in marriage and family, I'm happy to say.

And finally, I am divorced twice and have no plans on marrying again soon unless some sweet and handsome prince with great health insurance comes along and sweeps me off~ once again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
323 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for all of the responses. My dad is 65 and his new girlfriend is 52. I went over to my stepmothers yesterday for a few hours and this woman's husband showed up. He said this is the third time she has left. She leaves with a man every two years or so. Then he makes her life impossible and after a few months she comes back. He really scared me a bit and I told my SM not to let him in the house again and not to talk to him. He just seemed really different. My dad has money - just bought a new boat and motorhome -the $100,000+ with cash. This lady doesn't and her husband basically says she uses people. I guess she'll try to spend his money and then go back to her husband. Believe me I know this isn't her fault it takes two. I'm sure my dad is just eating up the attention.

My sister has talked to my dad. She usually talks to him everyday anyway so their talking is normal. He just told her to give him a couple of weeks and then they could talk. I have no need to talk to him right now so I won't call. Probably at this point will not talk even if he called.

Here is a funny part to all of this. My sister lives with this guy. Well, when we have family dinners etc. he is not allowed to come because my dad always says "they are living in sin and I can't have that in my house". Now, exactly what is Mr. Sef-Rightous Himself doing. Okay, I'm still mad. Maybe I'll come around later.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top