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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Background- Ex and I have been divorced for three years now and we have DS#2 together. We were together for 15 toxic years and have been on friendly’ish terms for 2 years. We were not a good “couple” but seem to be ok’ish friends

Ex recently admitted to being in serious financial poop> about to lose place and car...credit already probably down the crapper etc! This isn't a surprise to me since I haven't been recieving any of the court ordered monies that he's to pay monthly nor has he been paying his portion (again court ordered) of daycare or extra curricular. This has been going on for a while now.

Anyhoo, today at hockey practice ex turns to me and asks if he can rent a room in my home.

Well knock me over with a feather...that was unexpected!

Currently in my 1900sq ft three bedroom home there's me, DS#2 and a tenant that I had move in when DS#1 moved out for school.

Ex's proposal is he'd like to move in to a small portion of my finished basement for 1 year cash free (1 month trial period first)...he would pay 'room' with home maintenance stuff...ex is a licensed electrician and is quite a handyman. His thinking is that by living rent free he would then be able to pay down his outrageous debt AND get back on track with his financial responsibilities with me. He's basically admitted to me that he knows he needs to support his son but he just doesn't have enough money to pay his bills and live...he claims he's drowning and needs help. He also believes that if we approach this the right way and always be upfront with DS about why (kiddy version) and how long dads going to be living in our home it would be beneficial for his & DS’s relationship. When I brought up my VERY REAL concerns about sharing living space with him (actually being around him too much) he quickly pointed out that he works 4pm-2am so I would never see him during the week (I work full-time). As for the weekends he reminded me that we see each other quite a bit already due to all DS’s hockey/soccer obligations but that having him around would also give me more freedom to run errands child free.

I’d be a total liar if I said that I don’t want the money. He’s supposed to pay an amount that hits my monthly budget HUGE when not there! I also agree that there are huge daddy/ son benefits too if done right.

I’m torn because I see good, ok, great and terrible possibilities/ outcomes with this.

Opinions please.
 

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This is a good idea because he's been so reliable in the past? And this won't confuse child into thinking you are getting back together?? Warning signs. Danger,danger.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
This is a good idea because he's been so reliable in the past? And this won't confuse child into thinking you are getting back together?? Warning signs. Danger,danger.
Good points even though they were short and to the point ;), though I'm not sure about your first comment. Yes ex was an idiot with his money and things snowballed apparently but he did pay until things got out of control. He would pay if in the house that's for sure. DS has no memory of us ever being married or living together so I wasn't automatically assuming that he would think mom and dad are getting married again KWIM. This would be short term and open conversations would happen for a little over 2 months before ex would even be moving in...and at any point I got confused signals from DS it wouldn't even go forward.
Again good points and I appreciate your thoughts...my mind is NOT made up even though it may seem that I'm defending this idea. Just trying to talk it out.
 

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strange situation i think. imo - wouldnt that five false hopes to the child involved? just something to think about.

i don thave an ex...so, i cant comment much more. just trying to think out of the box in your case. dont mean to offend or anything. i do understand you would want what he is to have paid in the past...but, if he hasnt already paid it, is this a true guarantee that he will? just a though also.

best wishes.
 

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Ahhh NO :yikes: 15 toxic years is enough. Run girl, RUN!
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
i don thave an ex...so, i cant comment much more. just trying to think out of the box in your case. dont mean to offend or anything. i do understand you would want what he is to have paid in the past...but, if he hasnt already paid it, is this a true guarantee that he will? just a though also.

best wishes.
It's a matter of having x amount monthly income and x amount of bills/debt...he was irresponsible with his budget or better explanation was he didn't have one and screwed himself. Now he's trying to figure out a way to pay his debt back and get back on track.

I'm not a saint trust me but I also don't want my sons father to be a failure/ loser either. Would I want him to say screw you to me if I came to him?

Also, LOL I was trying to think outside the box myself! I'm usually pretty traditional and well there are soooo many different family setups now a days that I was just trying to keep an open mind to his proposal that's all.
 

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I read this and was like wow...

I would run away as fast as i could and fast.....
 
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imo - it is TOOO out there for me in my realm of comfort. but, to each their own. again, i did not mean to offend in any way...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Ahhh NO :yikes: 15 toxic years is enough. Run girl, RUN!
Yeah that's why I'm totally concerned about how my much actual time ex and I would be together one on one> counciling has only brought me so far forward when it comes to our past. We've come forward but I have a memory like an elephant! The way he presents it is that we'd be on "opposite shift" therefore not really seeing each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
imo - it is TOOO out there for me in my realm of comfort. but, to each their own. again, i did not mean to offend in any way...
Honestly no offense taken...I'm seriously hearing all of you I just need to honestly consider it before I toss it out the window KWIM!
 

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Rosie, Let's just say you did do this, and a year passes and he still is not caught up. What then? Or you meet the man of your dreams and you can't bring him home because your ex is there? Or you want to get married, but your ex is there?

You say your son has no memory of your toxic relationship. Well what if him living there does turn toxic? Your son will have witnessed it, and there is no unringing that bell. It won't do anything good for his relationship between him and his father, or ANY relationship your son has when he grows up. (if it turns toxic)

I can say this because I lived it. As a kid you can't walk away from your parents toxic relationship, and it colors every relationship you have in the future. It is a bell you can't unring. Please run from this as hard and as fast as you can. :hugz:
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Rosie, Let's just say you did do this, and a year passes and he still is not caught up. What then? Or you meet the man of your dreams and you can't bring him home because your ex is there? Or you want to get married, but your ex is there?

You say your son has no memory of your toxic relationship. Well what if him living there does turn toxic? Your son will have witnessed it, and there is no unringing that bell. It won't do anything good for his relationship between him and his father, or ANY relationship your son has when he grows up. (if it turns toxic)

I can say this because I lived it. As a kid you can't walk away from your parents toxic relationship, and it colors every relationship you have in the future. It is a bell you can't unring. Please run from this as hard and as fast as you can. :hugz:
Now this is perspective...something real I can sink my teeth into! :hugz: Thank you for this IRL response!
 

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wishing you the best, once again. i feel for you. sorry you are in this position.

glad you didnt take offense as none was meant...

chin up. deep breath.
 

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I would not even think about it. Your about to create a huge emotional trap for yourself and child.I'm sure your child would love the fact that dad is around.But like other poster what happen the man of your dreams does come along. Chances are he would drop you like a hot potato.I would just tell him the truth and be honest. I bet he will become toxic again because your not giving in. Good luck and I hope you really think twice on this.
 
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No way, no how. I'm afraid you'd be buying a whole bunch of trouble you don't need. He needs to 'man up' and take care of his obligations without expecting you to bail him out.
 

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I wouldn't do it and I really agree with what Polly said. I would hate having my ex all up in my space. Doesn't he have anyone else he can turn to for some help?
 

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My ex and I had a crazy relationship also and he contacted me on facebook awhile ago telling me what a mistake he made in giving me up and how he wanted to be my friend and how he still thinks about me. My reply was good luck to you but please leave me alone.
The thing about toxic relationships is that there are times when they are awsome and its easy to be pulled into that drama because when they are nice or when they are "in love with you" its amazing but the bad times are usually really bad.
I am a person who knows my limits and I know that he holds a certain attraction for me and so I just avoid him altogether (we have no children together) please dont let him pull you back into the quicksand :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Sooo I take it that this is thought of as a bad idea...:animated:

Joking aside I really thought about everything. I'm not worried about meeting the man of my dreams & ex ruining that (I do not bring dates around my children EVER & I'm purposely not looking for a partner) or any attraction issues between ex & I (I'm not the slightest bit sexually/emotionally attracted to him anymore) that might suck me in but I do worry about his unrealistic expectations. He seems to think I'm superwoman and is shocked & disappointed when I don't measure up. I so don't want to go there again. Never mind all the valid points that you brought forward regarding DS's feelings & witness to possible negative outcome.

Thanks for all the feedback and wow 'rereading' my own situation helped the decision too!
 
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