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Thought on Ex moving in as a tenant...

5K views 37 replies 25 participants last post by  angelbumpkin 
#1 ·
Background- Ex and I have been divorced for three years now and we have DS#2 together. We were together for 15 toxic years and have been on friendly’ish terms for 2 years. We were not a good “couple” but seem to be ok’ish friends

Ex recently admitted to being in serious financial poop> about to lose place and car...credit already probably down the crapper etc! This isn't a surprise to me since I haven't been recieving any of the court ordered monies that he's to pay monthly nor has he been paying his portion (again court ordered) of daycare or extra curricular. This has been going on for a while now.

Anyhoo, today at hockey practice ex turns to me and asks if he can rent a room in my home.

Well knock me over with a feather...that was unexpected!

Currently in my 1900sq ft three bedroom home there's me, DS#2 and a tenant that I had move in when DS#1 moved out for school.

Ex's proposal is he'd like to move in to a small portion of my finished basement for 1 year cash free (1 month trial period first)...he would pay 'room' with home maintenance stuff...ex is a licensed electrician and is quite a handyman. His thinking is that by living rent free he would then be able to pay down his outrageous debt AND get back on track with his financial responsibilities with me. He's basically admitted to me that he knows he needs to support his son but he just doesn't have enough money to pay his bills and live...he claims he's drowning and needs help. He also believes that if we approach this the right way and always be upfront with DS about why (kiddy version) and how long dads going to be living in our home it would be beneficial for his & DS’s relationship. When I brought up my VERY REAL concerns about sharing living space with him (actually being around him too much) he quickly pointed out that he works 4pm-2am so I would never see him during the week (I work full-time). As for the weekends he reminded me that we see each other quite a bit already due to all DS’s hockey/soccer obligations but that having him around would also give me more freedom to run errands child free.

I’d be a total liar if I said that I don’t want the money. He’s supposed to pay an amount that hits my monthly budget HUGE when not there! I also agree that there are huge daddy/ son benefits too if done right.

I’m torn because I see good, ok, great and terrible possibilities/ outcomes with this.

Opinions please.
 
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#3 ·
Good points even though they were short and to the point ;), though I'm not sure about your first comment. Yes ex was an idiot with his money and things snowballed apparently but he did pay until things got out of control. He would pay if in the house that's for sure. DS has no memory of us ever being married or living together so I wasn't automatically assuming that he would think mom and dad are getting married again KWIM. This would be short term and open conversations would happen for a little over 2 months before ex would even be moving in...and at any point I got confused signals from DS it wouldn't even go forward.
Again good points and I appreciate your thoughts...my mind is NOT made up even though it may seem that I'm defending this idea. Just trying to talk it out.
 
#4 ·
strange situation i think. imo - wouldnt that five false hopes to the child involved? just something to think about.

i don thave an ex...so, i cant comment much more. just trying to think out of the box in your case. dont mean to offend or anything. i do understand you would want what he is to have paid in the past...but, if he hasnt already paid it, is this a true guarantee that he will? just a though also.

best wishes.
 
#6 ·
i don thave an ex...so, i cant comment much more. just trying to think out of the box in your case. dont mean to offend or anything. i do understand you would want what he is to have paid in the past...but, if he hasnt already paid it, is this a true guarantee that he will? just a though also.

best wishes.
It's a matter of having x amount monthly income and x amount of bills/debt...he was irresponsible with his budget or better explanation was he didn't have one and screwed himself. Now he's trying to figure out a way to pay his debt back and get back on track.

I'm not a saint trust me but I also don't want my sons father to be a failure/ loser either. Would I want him to say screw you to me if I came to him?

Also, LOL I was trying to think outside the box myself! I'm usually pretty traditional and well there are soooo many different family setups now a days that I was just trying to keep an open mind to his proposal that's all.
 
#5 ·
Ahhh NO :yikes: 15 toxic years is enough. Run girl, RUN!
 
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#9 ·
Yeah that's why I'm totally concerned about how my much actual time ex and I would be together one on one> counciling has only brought me so far forward when it comes to our past. We've come forward but I have a memory like an elephant! The way he presents it is that we'd be on "opposite shift" therefore not really seeing each other.
 
#7 ·
I read this and was like wow...

I would run away as fast as i could and fast.....
 
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#10 ·
Honestly no offense taken...I'm seriously hearing all of you I just need to honestly consider it before I toss it out the window KWIM!
 
#11 ·
Rosie, Let's just say you did do this, and a year passes and he still is not caught up. What then? Or you meet the man of your dreams and you can't bring him home because your ex is there? Or you want to get married, but your ex is there?

You say your son has no memory of your toxic relationship. Well what if him living there does turn toxic? Your son will have witnessed it, and there is no unringing that bell. It won't do anything good for his relationship between him and his father, or ANY relationship your son has when he grows up. (if it turns toxic)

I can say this because I lived it. As a kid you can't walk away from your parents toxic relationship, and it colors every relationship you have in the future. It is a bell you can't unring. Please run from this as hard and as fast as you can. :hugz:
 
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#12 ·
Now this is perspective...something real I can sink my teeth into! :hugz: Thank you for this IRL response!
 
#14 ·
I would not even think about it. Your about to create a huge emotional trap for yourself and child.I'm sure your child would love the fact that dad is around.But like other poster what happen the man of your dreams does come along. Chances are he would drop you like a hot potato.I would just tell him the truth and be honest. I bet he will become toxic again because your not giving in. Good luck and I hope you really think twice on this.
 
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#18 ·
My ex and I had a crazy relationship also and he contacted me on facebook awhile ago telling me what a mistake he made in giving me up and how he wanted to be my friend and how he still thinks about me. My reply was good luck to you but please leave me alone.
The thing about toxic relationships is that there are times when they are awsome and its easy to be pulled into that drama because when they are nice or when they are "in love with you" its amazing but the bad times are usually really bad.
I am a person who knows my limits and I know that he holds a certain attraction for me and so I just avoid him altogether (we have no children together) please dont let him pull you back into the quicksand :(
 
#20 ·
Sooo I take it that this is thought of as a bad idea...:animated:

Joking aside I really thought about everything. I'm not worried about meeting the man of my dreams & ex ruining that (I do not bring dates around my children EVER & I'm purposely not looking for a partner) or any attraction issues between ex & I (I'm not the slightest bit sexually/emotionally attracted to him anymore) that might suck me in but I do worry about his unrealistic expectations. He seems to think I'm superwoman and is shocked & disappointed when I don't measure up. I so don't want to go there again. Never mind all the valid points that you brought forward regarding DS's feelings & witness to possible negative outcome.

Thanks for all the feedback and wow 'rereading' my own situation helped the decision too!
 
#21 ·
this is in the category of "NMP" - "not my problem".

you are not his wife or his mommy. his moving in has the feel of moving in with parents.

if you need extra cash, take in another boarder.
 
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#22 ·
Yeah that's what I was thinking too (not so much the boarder part ;))!
 
#23 ·
This isn't a surprise to me since I haven't been recieving any of the court ordered monies that he's to pay monthly nor has he been paying his portion (again court ordered) of daycare or extra curricular. This has been going on for a while now.
I think this is what the previous poster meant about his reliability.
He already owes you money that he hasn't paid.
Do you really think he'll pay if he moves in with you?

I don't know him, but this sounds like a really bad idea.
 
#24 ·
Like others, my biggest concern is how this effects your child.
I think it's high time for ex hubby to man up & sink or swim on his own. I also think it's the best gift you can give him.
 
#26 ·
I would be running the other way. Does sound like a manipulator big time. Not only the emotional toll it can have on you and your son. What about the legalities? Would it affect the amount of money you should be getting from him?, since he can say he does xyz at home and takes care of your son when you are away or out.

I am sure he can find a room to rent or a similar living situation. Which if it worked would be great. Just NOT IN YOUR HOUSE! Just seems he is on the side of desperation right now. It is usually best not to add to any more drama.
 
#27 ·
If I wanted out of the relationship enough for him to be an "ex" I certainly don't need him back in my life again. And an "ok'ish" friend does not a good roommate make....I agree with those who advised you to RUN the other way!
 
#28 ·
Ok...is it just me here that thinks this but how much maintenance does your home need? He may be there 'offering' to do the work but you're going to be putting a roof over his head, keeping him warm, paying for him to do his laundry, feeding him AND THEN paying for your home repair materials? I don't think that's fair for you - you're then put into and awkward position later on - can he borrow money for gas so he can get to work, can you pick up his fave brand of beer on your way home next time. Has he offered babysitting so you'd have a night out on your own?

If he really wants to be there for his son...he can still come around and fix your home and offer to take your son out while living under someone else's roof and paying his own bills. For me, actions speak louder then words. So does consistency.

If you're desiring another tenant - by all means, take the necessary precautions to get one however the whole point of doing so is to make money, no? I have a bad feeling that by going ahead with this awkward arrangement, you're going to open yourself up to a whole new can of worms. His worms.

Sorry to be so harsh/blunt.
 
#29 ·
And what if he finds a new significant other (or even one-night-stand)? Do you want her to be around your house? Do you want your son to see? What happens if she moves in? Will they both leave at the end of the year? Who will pay for groceries, extra heating, etc.? What happens if their relationship turns toxic, too? Do you want to experience it so closely, like reliving your marriage?

I suggest you suggest him to find similar living arrangements somewhere else. Good luck!
 
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#32 ·
I guess I'm the weird one. I would consider it. BUT I don't know anything about the man or your previous marriage. "Toxic" can mean a lot of things.

My only concern would be your son, as other people have already mentioned.

Also, I certainly wouldn't let him stay for free. As part of his newfound "financial responsibility", I would require him to pay SOMETHING.

ETA: I would also go on a month-by-month basis. I definitely wouldn't say, "Okay, you passed the one-month 'trial', so now you're free to stay here for a year," kwim? I would tell him that if, for any reason, you start to feel uncomfortable or it just isn't working out, you will give him 2 weeks notice that he needs to find a new place.
 
#33 ·
Three thoughts:

1) No
2) Hell No
3) OH MY ****ING GOD WHAT THE **** ARE YOU THINKING??? NO!!!!

Hope that wasn't unclear...
 
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