[Daisygirl]

Okay, I know a lot of people thought I over-reacted the last time my kids were late coming home from the X-in-laws.

I tried making some changes and here I am,waiting again.

After the burial ceremony yesterday, DD10 and I came home. Granny and Grandpa offered to drive DD15 home later. Well, at 9:30 she still had not arrived at their house from her outing to the beach. I called and told them not to try and drive her the hour and a half that night, to just bring her after church the next morning.

Today is Father's Day, so I made plans to take them out and do fun stuff all day long. Granny and Grandpa were completely aware of these plans.

And it is almost 3 o'clock and still no word.

No phone call - "We're running late" - no text message - NOTHING.

DD10 is upset and bored and her whole day is shot. She said, "Now I see why you are sad when we are late. My sister should be with ME today."

I would like to just leave and go do stuff with DD10, but then all I'd do is stress about DD15.

I don't know whether to be worried that something has happened to them or to be mad because they all have no respect for my plans.

The flea market we were going to closes in an hour...which kiboshes the farmer's market dinner we were going to have. Sigh. I'm trying to get used to it and expect it but I'm sure having trouble with it.

 

[mauimagic]

Well, they either continue to show their disrespect for you or are selfish people or both or perhaps even neither - have no idea. It must be so frustrating and now they ae negatively affecting your younger DD.

I'd be very inclined to taking your younger one and do something - anything with her that would make her happy. I'd assume - yep - using that word - that the others are all fine and doing their usual thing - drop the anger and go!!

And then please let us know what's happening.

 

[Missy]

I'd have taken the younger one and gone to have a good time with her instead of sitting home seething. My oldest knows the trick to get in the house when I am not home, plus he has a key (he's 12, I think it's a good responsibility thing for him to be able to keep track of a key of his own and to hang out on his own for a few minutes) I'd have left a note on the TV saying where I was and when I would be back, called the inlaws and left a message to go ahead and drop her off, left a snack in the fridge for her and been out enjoying the day.

For what it's worth, I think you might be giving them too much control of your free time. Sitting home waiting on them instead of going out with DD2...Letting them do this time and time again... And for the dd wanting to be declared adult, could they be filling her head with this stuff while they have her? I would concider cutting off them having her at all, and meeting half way instead for a day at the park, all together or something instead of her relying on them for transport.

Just my 2 er...4...maybe 6 cents on the situation. Hope I didn't offend.

 

[Daisygirl]

Well, finally at 3:30 they arrived. And you are right Maui - they have absolutely no idea. They brought cookies and a craft for DD10, as well as quietly passing me some money for the girls' summer clothes. Now I feel like a big meanie.

I should have taken DD out. I have to learn to stop waiting around when stuff like this happens. Really, I swear, that family's clock just runs different than the rest of the world. They always look astounded if you say they are late.

I truly don't think that they are saying bad things to my oldest - they have absolutely no idea what to do with a rebellious teen but it certainly would not involve leaving home.

They are nice, just consistently tardy. Sigh. It is so darned frustrating. We weren't able to go to the flea market or farmer's market, as they both closed at 4.

We did end up having a nice evening. We went to the bookstore for an hour and I gave each of the girls money for a new book. Then we went to dinner, and then we took the dogs to the park.

 

[mauimagic]

Might want to print your post out for the next time this happens - and it will. The only thing you can change is you reaction. Glad it all turned out okay. Keep us posted - if nothing else, we hear you!!

 

[brennasmom]

Have you made the expectations clear? You are the mother and they need to respect your desicions.

 

[Spirit Deer]

Your daughter is fifteen. Have HER call if she's going to be late.

 

[Libby]

This is a day late and after the fact but when this happens next time, now knowing that your DD knows how it feels to sit at home waiting too - focus on her happiness & enjoyment by taking her out, alone. Quality one on one time. Not sure how often you do things with your girls together and apart but I remember enjoying QT with my parents w/o the other siblings around. You may be worried & stressed out about the older DD not being home but know that the grandparents aren't going to drop her off and bolt if you're not home. If they need to wait for you and your other DD to arrive home, so be it. They will then know how it feels to 'wait'. Its not like you're doing it out of spite. KWIM?

Remember, you can only change the future, not the past. No point in dwelling on it.

 

[Hamada]

Since your daughter is fifteen she is old enough to be dropped off when you are not home. Definately would annoy me especially since you had a day planned out. Sounds as if your in-laws were having their own day of celebrating.

I can't help but wonder how they can go about doing whatever they want without a care in the world. Could your older daughter be suggesting places to go and do things so she does not have to come back home right away?

I think I would squash the going with grandparents for a while. How about only one or twice a month instead of weekly?

 

[Greebo]

Question: Did you convey to the Ex-In-Laws the plans for the day? Or did you just say to bring her to church w/ no explanation as to why it was important she be home on time?

Mind you - if they said they'd bring her to church they should have, and you would be well within your bounds to make it clear that if they don't bring her home ON TIME next time and they don't call then it'll be the LAST time for a while.

 

[LuvMyHubby]

Myself, if after I had conveyed that you wish to have the kids home at a specific time for very logical reasons (one of them you are the mother) and they still persist, then I'd probably cut their time from weekly to once a month. I'd also guess perhaps your older daughter might have the grands wrapped around her finger and perhaps she is suggesting things to do to stretch out the weekend.

Short of giving your oldest a key and telling her to lock herself in when she gets home, have a snack, clean up behind herself and stay out of trouble until you and your younger one get home, you may have to gently but firmly say no to the weekly visits until your wishes start being respected.

This may sound harsh and I don't intend it to be but angry 15 year old girls can be extremely manipulative and while the grands are the adults, I'd probably start wondering how much of it rests with her not only legitimately wanting to spend as much time as possible with them but also using it to irritate the heck out of you and trying to play you against them and getting them on her side in any disagreements she has with you.

 

[kita]

Well, at 9:30 she still had not arrived at their house from her outing to the beach. I called and told them not to try and drive her the hour and a half that night, to just bring her after church the next morning.Today is Father's Day, so I made plans to take them out and do fun stuff all day long. Granny and Grandpa were completely aware of these plans.

Okay, I am someone who is chonically late so I can relate to them a little bit. I think you need to be clear when you want them to be HOME. They may feel that when you said...bring her after church...it was more like, "I will be doing stuff in the morning and won't be home so don't bring her until after church." Also if you said that you had plans for all day with your kids, obviously the plans had changed since the oldest wasn't there. Did your parents think that they should at least take the oldest out for lunch to make up for all the fun she was missing at home? Church (noon) +Lunch on Father's Day (two hours)+ Drive Home (one and a half hours) yields three thirty.
But of course I believe I have Jamican blood in my veins despite my German ancestory. My response to most tardiness is "whatever, mon, it's all good"

 

[Nishu]

I think Spirit Deer might be right about having your daughter call. She's also old enough to influence when she gets home, so maybe make it clear to her when you expect her back?

I dunno lady, you're really in a pickle. Haiving them be consistently late is going to be a pain, but I know a lot of folks who'd love to say that's their only complaint about their inlaws. You've handled the last few months really well and it's a shame you and the family have hit this snag. Maybe there's some way you could just minimize the effects of this tardiness on you, rather than let it ruin your weekends and stress you out? Maybe hide a key and continue on your plans as usual and try to do special things during the weeks with your kids?

 

[Nana2two]

It's time to put your foot down or up there behind. Enough is Enough. They do it because you are not getting strong enough with them

 

[ladykemma2]

Today is Father's Day, so I made plans to take them out and do fun stuff all day long. Granny and Grandpa were completely aware of these plans. And it is almost 3 o'clock and still no word.

No phone call - "We're running late" - no text message - NOTHING.

DD10 is upset and bored and her whole day is shot. She said, "Now I see why you are sad when we are late. My sister should be with ME today."

I would like to just leave and go do stuff with DD10, but then all I'd do is stress about DD15.

it's time to make sure they have keys to the house and a working cell phone for emergencies. tell them you're leaving for X outing at noon and if you're not there, you don't get to go. got your key?

let go.

 

[Momto5RN]

this is the grandparents that recently lost their son ( your daughters dad right )( if not ignore the rest of the posting )

yes lateness is an issue but i think perhaps your daughter or even they may have unintentionally extended it because here is a family missing one of the dads ( aka their son ) on fathers day - and if one of the grandparents is the father of said son - may have just been trying to cling to his son somehow through your daughter- the next best thing in their eyes is one of his offspring
especially if you are not remarried and there is no father figure at home - they may have not felt it was an issue on that day to be prompt.

any chance your daughter was also having a hard time with it being fathers day and wanted to be with her dads parents but didnt want to upset you by saying so ?

any other day but fathers day i would be a bit more upset but i might let it go for fathers day you have a teen without a dad- a father without his son etc no matter what the reasons it can be turned to make you look very bad if you bring it up for this time ( esp by a strong willed teen girl during an argument - i have one of them and she will remember things i cant hardly remember if she is mad at me )and approach them for the next visit .

next year unless you have someone special you see on fathers day i would maybe let them have them for most of that day - i know you are both mom and dad to your kids - but they have lost something that just cant be replaced but your kids can make them feel a little closer to that person and better as they go thru their grief.