[my4littlebuffaloes]

We pulled my oldest out of school 2 years ago due to bullying and his behavior because of it. We just started our 3rd year homeschooling. We have had tons of problems throughout with his yelling at me and arguing with me. Mainly it happens during math time. Off and on I have wondered if things move too quickly. I have backtracked, tried different programs etc.

I am starting Math U See and we are on lesson 6. We totally backtracked to the beginnings of multiplication, even though he is in 4th grade. But that is what the company said we needed to do. So it should be pretty easy for him and we are moving quickly. he totally grasps it, he knows the answers to the problems, but this math thinks about things differently and that is what we are learning - a better understanding of the why.

But anyway, we started school on Monday (we did some math over the summer, which is why we are on lesson 6) and it has been nothing but problems. More than just math time, also grammar time. Basically he yells at me, argues with me, complains and whines, says he doesn't have to do what I say, etc. We have really struggled this summer with his behavior and attitude. I do discipline him when he behaves this way, time outs, writing sentences, taking away privileges, etc. We are trying some positive reinforcement. He can earn tickets for the morning and the afternoon school work - with no arguing or yelling - and redeem them on the weekends for playstation time. He is 9, so the delayed reward is fine - but he hasn't earned any tickets.

I am at the end of my rope. I can't do another year of this. I don't understand his temper and anger issues, we have tried everything we can think of, but nothing seems to tame them. I feel like it is ruining my relationship with him, but what can I do? I remember what it was like when he was in school and the second he would walk in the door it would start and go until bedtime. That was in 1st grade, it is only worse now and I get to deal with it all day, not just after school.

In the past I have definitely thought that homeschool is the best place for him, for a number of reasons, but now I am thinking that having him home is not the best option. Dh says if this keeps up we should just send him back to school. He never behaved like this in school - nothing but perfect behavior. WWYD? What should we do? Any ideas?

I also know that we will have to work through these issues regardless of where he goes to school, but how? We are at a loss and past behavior has shown that he would never behave like this AT school, so why does he do it here? It isn't just him we are talking about. I have a dd who would also go back to school if we sent ds back, she is almost 7 - but who knows what grade she would be in? Age wise she should be in first, school work wise, second, but she is very small. Would she be bored?

We just don't know what to do. School starts here next week and I am tempted to relieve the stress that goes on here all day. What to do? Thanks!

 

[sdrjeolsen]

Jennifer, no real suggestions, just sending hugs your way. Some of it is just the fact that he is male. My son is so loving, but then he can turn around and argue with me over every little dumb thing for hours on end and insist I'm wrong the whole time, guilt me, etc. I believe it is programmed into them to be dominant and a conqueror...but at that age, with no regards for who they are trying to conquer, even if it's mom. I have the same issues with my son that you do with your's, sometimes it goes on for days at a time. He can be just awful and then on his way to bed come and give me a hug or nuzzle my cheek as I sit at the computer. I'm beginning to think boys can be just as emotional as girls. I think it's just a guy thing to some extent. They were made to want to exercise authority and take charge and as a mom it can be hard to temper that and still let hem grow toward that end. I do say, my son will impact the world some day...he's definitely headed that direction, lol. And, its my job not to crush his spirit...as much as I would like to crush pretty much anything at times. A friend with the same issues with her teenage son recommended Wild at Heart by Josh Eldridge, but I must say I haven't read it yet, so I can't really say, but she has been right on in the past with book reccomendations. Hang in there and decide what is best for him in the long run. I have to try to remember that my job as a mom is to raise my son the best I can and what is easier is not always best for him down the road. Take some time to decide what will benefit him in the long run and stick to it even if he whines and fights you. Being a mom is so unpopular and not fun sometimes, okay a lot of times Good luck with whichever direction you decide to go.

 

[warramra]

I think you have a male copy of my daughter in your house. My daughter started arguing with me at 14 months and hasn't stopped, she is 7 now. And, I am the ONLY ONE she does it to, other adults find her utterly charming.

Last March I was ready to march her down to the school and be done. But, there was/is a part of me that will not give up on my relationship with her. And everyone I talked to at that time, some of whom have children in p.s. told me that it would not improve our relationship just because she was in school.

Mid-April we just stopped school for the year and I did nothing for the next two months. I let her unschool during that period of time. Since we have started back in July it is like having a different child.

Some of the things I did during the break I think have helped. One, I realized that even if I believed she could do the material, she didn't necessarily believe it. It gave her lots of anxiety, which she expressed as anger. I also read, read, read. I read The Angry Child and I believe the name of it is The Difficult Child. I re-read Raising the Spirited Child. I began to take myself out of the emotional turmoil by constantly reminding myself that she was not attacking me. When I stopped getting riled up, she began to calm down sooner. Sometimes, now it only takes a look from me and she realizes she needs to calm down.

I was looking at MUS for us to use after this year. One of the things I liked about it was that she could do some of it independently. When she can do things alone some of the time, it goes smoother. Could he possibly do some computer-based learning programs (Switched on Schoolhouse), that kind of removes you from being the 'overseer'. I know they can be expensive, but maybe you can find them used.

Almost forgot to add, my daughter's favorite thing I have added. And to me, reduced drastically the number of arguments we had over what she had to do each day - a typed out daily check-off list. She sees it on the list and can mark it off as she finishes the assignments. She is only free after everything has a mark beside it, and I only allow her to mark after I have reviewed the work. The list becomes a neutral party telling her what she needs to do instead of 'mean mommy'.

I would also say that we have limited our lessons to 15 minute intervals, which is appropriate for her age. But, your son is older and should be able to concentrate a little bit longer.

We still have our moments, but much better than 6 months ago.

Good luck

 

[my4littlebuffaloes]

Thanks for the advice, y'all. I do realize that things wouldn't be different if I sent him to school. I just wouldn't have to deal with him for 8 hours of the day. I don't really want that to be the solution though. I don't want to try to solve the problem by not dealing with it, ya know?

I think we are very much alike, which doesn't help things. He does want to always prove he is write. He wouldn't believe me on something today and finally I had him look up a definition in the dictionary to prove that I was right, but not have it come from me. He was better after that.

I like the list idea. Right now though, we are on day 3 and he still needs my guidance, but once we get in the swing of things, he could do things on his own more and maybe it would be better. I have read The Angry Child and it describes him to a T. I will have to reread how to handle things, because they were better for awhile after I read them. I guess, we will just have to work through it, I don't want to put him in school, I just want to figure out how to get him to deal with his anger issues in a healthy way so that he is a joy to be around. Thanks!

 

[amecoy75002]

I admire all of you that have the patience, will power, love and ability to home school. I know that my kids would never had made it out alive LOL!

Hugs and prayers going your way! :smted:

 

[Persimmon Lace]

My dnephew had anger issues and one day dh sat him down at around 10 and explained a few things to him about anger.

A. It was perfectly fine for him to be angry
B. He could be angry yet still act appropriately, meaning no yelling etc.
C. Do things while angry would cause abc to happen, that at his age he knew the consequences and chose to continue.

It took awhile but he finally got it. It took my dsis, me and dh reminding him of the guidelines but he finally got it.

Good luck! We used that technique on the preschoolers as well. The phrase was "It's ok for you to be angry, it is not ok for you to......, if you keep on you will sit in timeout until you can be calm". It was amazing how many children were shocked that we didn't do anything to help them get over being angry! We were not going to sooth their anger for them, we were going to teach what to do and what not to do when they were angry. No one had ever told them that anger was ok, it was the behaviour that was not ok. I had a 5 year old tell me that it was not ok for him to be angry, his mom always had to make him happy! Didn't work for him in my class!

 

[betharoo0]

I have 3 boys and they all "TRY" everything you described above. I do NOT TOLERATE IT! Once you give in to their anger,whines,etc... they use it all the time to get their way. I was totally hating caring for my boys up til about a year ago. Another mom helped me out, she explained to me what was going on(quite simple) and I felt like a fool!!!
Now when they start up they go to their rooms sometime with a spanking, lose privledges, lose toys, lose allowance,etc....
I do use a checklist
each day is consistant(stess routines)
if they want to play they better finish their work and chores
dad is totally on my side(when dad comes home to a harried mom, watch out)
you would think my children walk on eggshells but they don't. They know what is expected, and they know they have to work and work hard!I only expect effort, not perfection.
I too use to be a book parent but I always felt confused. I no longer read any sort of parenting book, I think maybe I have gleaned a few things from them but I would not say my prenting has been shaped by them.
Hope you find a solution, because if he treats you this way imagine what will happen if he goes to school.

 

[lwlynch]

My daughter outgrew all the fighting (now it is only occasionally) by the time she was 14. My son is now 10 and he is always arguing. I really do think it is a male thing. I always just love them more, and try to make it a blessing that they are so determined, and hope that they mellow before they hit the real world...ahahahah

 

[my4littlebuffaloes]

Thanks for the good ideas, the encouragement, and making me realize I am not alone. Big helps! Dh and I came up with a plan, we are being consistent and seeing some progress. Thanks!

 

[i.m.cheap]

I wish you luck with this. I have gone through the same thing myself. My dd is now 11, and I just couldn't take the daily arguing any longer. We enrolled her in school this year. She still argues about going, but she does what her teachers ask of her without arguing. It is too early in the year to see if this will be successful. She homeschooled for 3-5 grades, and is in 6th this year.