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Discussion Starter #1
question for posters with adult kids please- or 20 somethings whose parents may have been in the same situation as me and what their parents did




so situation .
background :

have 22 yo ds -great kid no troubles from him graduated college - got a FT job where he interned- company loves him - sending him to school in January etc.
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grad with alot of student loans ( probably close to 80,000) his choice- he went to a state college could have lived at home but being the oldest in a noisy house of 5 i cant really blame him for living away .

last 2 years of college he lived in a house with 3 friends is use to his independence etc .

now is home

we basically let him come and go as he pleases - i don't monitor him all i ask is if he decided to sleep out at a friends i get a text so i don't worry if his car is in a ditch some where .

We redid his bedroom before he graduated to be more like a sitting area / bedroom - new paint wall unit etc so he could have friends over and it no longer looked like a 12 yo room .


he hates having the loans plans to pay them off asap -he is relatively frugal for a kid his age -wont go out and waste money at a club - casino etc just because theres nothing else to do like many will do - already has paid 2000 more than he needs to pay on student loans that didnt even start asking for money yet .
and also applied to have them consolidated so he can just pay one place ( and get them out of our name too because we are co-signed on 2 of them )

now he is talking about moving out of state closer to where he works with a friend who is known for not being very money wise .

his friend flunked out of college has been taken to court about his student loans from that year has job hopped the past 3 years and its never his fault of course.

Mind you he has known this friend since pre- k - he is kind of like an extended part of the family so i know he doesn't always have the common sense he should have .

my one concern on top of my son loosing the extra money to paydown the debt faster ishow stable is this kid money wise and will my son get left holding the bag - i mean in the past my son wouldn't loan him 5$ because he knew he wouldn't get it back .
according to my son his friend now works with his dad does alot of OT and is making more money then DS . TBH i never really felt he was college material he barely passed HS hated school etc he was best learning some sort of trade as he is very good at that type of thing !


DS says the leases where they may move are for 6 months so if it doesn't work out hes not locked in for a year /


so i am not telling an adult what to do but i am encouraging him to ask his friend if they can run a credit check ( i want the kids to be able to sign for the apartment too not just my son on the lease )

look at a budget ON PAPER ( and at least wait until he finds out if loans will consolidate and if so what his payment will be )
figure in budget -loans rent -cable - utilities - food car insurance etc.

figure the difference between how fast he can pay down his loans if he moves out or stays at home a year or so ( really all he does is sleep eat and shower here between work and going out ) but i figure we are talking 700-800 a month that he could put to loans if he stays at home.

my 19 yo also plays a part in this - she is a bit cranky bossy always rushing here and there from school -to work - to friends and the fact we only have one bath for 7of us and she hogs it alot isn't helping things ( we tried a few years ago to get a second one but the way the house is set up we would have to give up a bedroom and we need all the bedrooms )

going to make sure he knows if things go bad we do not have the financial resources to help him out - .

just trying to think if theres any other things to make sure he considers before making a final choice.

right now the guy who wants them to move in together lives with his grandparents because his parents lost their house in a foreclosure this past spring and the family is living with the 2 sets of grandparents .

i wonder if his friend is making really good money why hasn't he got a 1 bedroom himself by now- i think because of his credit with the school loans issue and i know he skipped out on cell bills before about the same time a few years back.

BUT maybe seeing what happened to his parents made him shape up a bit though financially .

oh and ds wont save any money on not commuting to work because DH works for same company - different branch but in same building and carpools him in 90% of the time unless DH is traveling .

my mom also lives up in that area and would let my son live with her for free if it was just being closer to work but i think its more a wanting his independence back - ability to have his own place for friends to come over etc .

so its going to be his decision 100% in the end just want to make sure he is making a well informed decision .
 

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I think you have done a great job pointing everything out to him, but now its time to let go and watch.

He can only come running back to you if you let him. Perhaps the independence is worth taking longer to pay stuff back, that's his choice to make.

Sounds to me like he has been raised with stable financial upbringing lessons, and everyone makes mistakes even with that in their background. If this is one of his mistakes, or perhaps "not the greatest judgement calls" then so be it, he still has to make them in his life. To push further, in my opinion, is to second-guess his ability to make decisions for himself and you really don't want that.

If thinks he can do it, let him do it with your support, that will go alot further than without it. He wont balk at telling you the truth about things if they start to go a bit sour because he wont be fearing the "I told you so" attitude which is good for your relationship long-term.
 

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I think you have done a great job pointing everything out to him, but now its time to let go and watch.

He can only come running back to you if you let him. Perhaps the independence is worth taking longer to pay stuff back, that's his choice to make.

Sounds to me like he has been raised with stable financial upbringing lessons, and everyone makes mistakes even with that in their background. If this is one of his mistakes, or perhaps "not the greatest judgement calls" then so be it, he still has to make them in his life. To push further, in my opinion, is to second-guess his ability to make decisions for himself and you really don't want that.

If thinks he can do it, let him do it with your support, that will go alot further than without it. He wont balk at telling you the truth about things if they start to go a bit sour because he wont be fearing the "I told you so" attitude which is good for your relationship long-term.[/QUOTE


I agree.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
ohh i wouldnt do i told you so LOL i might think it- but i wouldnt say it .

and i dont see letting him come back as a failure- he isnt being kicked out for not behaving or because he needs to learn to live on his own - he has done that the past 3 years .


and his room will be his room until he is married or out of the house a few years in a row so that i know he is gone for good.

would probably leave it as is ( no way is he taking the new wall unit etc i bought just for that room- ) and let the other kids use it as a study room when they need to hide away to study and dh could use it as an office when he works from home days when kids are home .


he has close friends down here and cousins too so i am pretty sure he will be using his room at least a few times a month to sleep down here after hanging out with them

and if he didnt have these loans i would be asking him what are you doing here LOL !!

i moved out shortly after graduating nursing school which i lived away when i went there so i know how hard it is to go from having your own thing to going back home - and i was the only one at home with my parents when i went home could come and go as a please and still ended up renting a house in manyunk area with 2 other girls .

but i didnt have all the student loans :(
 

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Discussion Starter #5
i KNOW he can do it - i dont know if the other kid can .
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he has co-workers in the apt building he is thinking of has often mentioned how much a 2 bedroom apt was - was kind of thinking next spring when the co-wroker he hangs out withs lease is up they might get a 2 bedroom together - THAT i wouldnt have a problem at all with - if the guy can rent himself a 1 BR its even cheaper to share a 2 BR and i would know his co-renter is responsible $ wise.
 

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I'd be tempted to encourage him to find a place on his own, no roommate. He's going to get stuck with the bill anyway for the rent most likely. I did when I was 20 (I got stuck paying all the rent to save my credit, similar situation as you suspect may happen), so I moved into my own apartment leaving the non-paying "roommate" behind to fend for herself. I was lucky to have a landlord willing to release me from the lease, he might not get so lucky.

But.....that's just an idea. He'd have to pay the full rent, but without the bad influence of the irresponsible roommate. Might be more frugal in the end.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
a one bedroom is 800 a 2 bedroom is 1000/ 500$ each
so it would be 300 more a month for him to go it alone - no one to split utilities or cable with .
i think thats cutting it way to closeif he can even afford it .

he said he was going to make the kid give him 3 months rent in advance to be safe - i dont see that happening but who knows maybe he has hit reality and changed.
 

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Just a thought...is there a way for your son to find another roommate (not the old friend who's unreliable)? Maybe through Craigslist or something?

DH had a co-worker (since relocated) in his 20s who got burned having friends for roommates. It's still a mixing-money-and-friends situation, which rarely works out. Usually the friendship gets lost along with someone's money/credit rating.

I can completely understand your son wanting more independence, but at what price? He could really get those loans paid off fast if he just stays put (or goes to grandma's...not a bad idea, either).

If the company is sending him to school in January, and he's keeping his FT job, that's a lot on your son's plate. Worrying about rent on time, utilities, etc. might be too much to juggle. Especially if there are flaky roommates involved.

When I worked a lot and went to school f/t, it was SUCH a blessing to live with my parents. The home front was taken care of, all I had to do was work and school.

Whew! Sorry so long-winded...good luck, too! :)
 

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He should get a written contract from his room mate.

If you are one month late, you're out. No exceptions.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
i wouldnt want him living with a stranger from craigslist -
you could end up coming home and finding everything you own gone on top of a roommate not paying . and who knows if you would even get along -

i just hope seeing his parents lose their house because of unexpected financial issues may have made him smarter money wise .


my son may not even do it - he just came in my room this AM before he left for work and asked me if my dh told me he was thinking about it .

i just keep thinking live at home for 2 years and you can put a huge dent in those loans making your future so much easier .
if i had an option to free up 800+ a month for debt i would jump at it LOL

i think after reading a few of the posts here am going to tell him to also do his budget like he is stuck with the whole thing .
just to get an idea of what itwould be like .

the other kid is not a bad kid- just doesnt make wise financial choices thus far -he never learned money management when young because his mom knew he would spend it all right away and then have none left when he needed it and my thought processes wasalways better at 14 yo then 24 and once they have no lunch money for a week at 14 = they learn to budget .

has that tomorrow is another day thought processes and when tomorrow comes he is uh oh what do i do .

my oldest dd use to have the same money thought processes until she hit 18 - this year she is paying for college in cash wih money she saved from her waitressing job .. so people can grow up and change money wise so i guess i can hope !
 

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I think you have given your son the best tools and advice you can. It sounds like he will know when it isn't working out and will be capable of backing up and punting if needed. I do agree with Russ that you should encourage him to have something written between him and this kid.

People grow and change, this kid may not have been college material and not always made the best choices but he may surprise and live up to being a relatively decent roomie for your son, if not then make sure that your son has a plan B to disentagle himself from the situation as quickly as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
UPDATE

ds decided to wait a few months when two other friends graduate this december and see if they are looking to move out .

one was his roommate for 4 years of college; the two of them in a dorm or an apt for 2 years and 2 years in a house with 2 other guys so they they can live together well and that trust each other financially too .

really makes more sense also because they will probably want to stay in our area and that is where 99% of his friends are if he wants to hang with co-workers and sleep over in that area he has a co-worker he has slept over at his apt before and my mom has a guest room .


i think it would be great if his friend learned some life lessons and got his act together but if it were me i would need at least a years proof of that before jumping into something that could affect me badly.
 

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He is a big boy and will be fine... I know it is hard but eventually we have to let them go... and it sounds like he is ready...
 

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Discussion Starter #14
i have no issue letting him go - its just who he almost moved out with has a very bad track record-
2 months ago he wouldnt loan him 5$ - and then he was thinking of moving in with the guy- all i can think is it must have been a full moon lol !
 
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